Let me get this off my chest:

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Let me just rant a little bit. One thing about me is that I keep it real. This blog is about growth and I tell about what’s happening with me. I love feedback and comments. Except when people email me about me being too personal and honest about my life. Well, this is my blog and I will always be honest. If you don’t like it then please don’t read my blog. I know that others are dealing with or have dealt with what I’m going through or went through. I love it when people encourage me, tell me their stories, and just understand. I understand that for some people this may seem weird or not necessary but as I said this is my blog. I want to have a conversation with the readers. If my life and truth are too much for you to handle then please don’t read my blog. I just needed to get this out. Have a great day.

Time to change:

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One thing that I’m learning is how to make me and my marriage better. It all starts with me because I’m the only person who can change me. But when I look back at the beginning with my husband the one thing that I miss the most is how close I use to be to him. What changed you might ask me. Change is always a good thing but when you don’t want to be close because you think he will be like the other guys in your relationship then why get married right? Well at the time that never crossed my mind. I had never been so close to a man before in the sense of letting down my guard and just being me. I told him my thoughts, fears, dreams, and all that. I let the wall down for him, why you might ask. Because he was so different from anyone that I had ever dated. He taught me to trust, love, and what true friendship means. So what happened to me is what happen. Every time we get into it I build that wall all over again. My husband hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him, but I’ve dated guys who have made me not trust them and now I’m allowing that to happen in my marriage. So yes I need to change. It was nice to talk to my husband about this, this morning and told him I want to be close with him again. And he asked me what is stopping me and I said me and my past. I need to let things go in my life and understand that not everyone is here to do you wrong. Life is a lesson and I’m slowly learning to do things better in my life.

This is not okay:

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Okay, so I’m just trying to understand here. Please don’t take this the wrong way. So the president of the United States is encouraging people to protest in their states so that the country can reopen??? Why is this okay? I thought people’s lives mattered? I’m truly confused right now? This is not okay, Mr. President you are supposed to be setting an example for people to follow and I’m sorry but this isn’t okay. You may not care if people get this virus and die but I do. Am I the only person who feels this is wrong?

Just ranting:

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One thing that I truly dislike is living in an apartment. I dislike the fact that my neighbors feel the need to be loud at night until early in the morning. I have never had an issue with any of my neighbors but this bunch is truly working my nerves. It took everything within me not to get up and go outside and go off on them. The level of disrespect is so unreal. But I can assure you that if it happens again tonight the police will be called. It makes me mad that people don’t have respect when people are sleeping. You shouldn’t be having parties at 11 pm to early in the morning. Okay, I’m done ranting.

Releasing the pain:

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I honestly feel like I have had so much weight lifted off of my shoulders. I’m very low key when it comes to my feelings. You may say that’s not true because I write how I feel, yes I do but I keep a lot of my feelings inside. Because I don’t like judgment or criticism. But yesterday I felt compelled to speak my heart with my husband and tell him all that I have been feeling. A part of me was fearful that he wouldn’t understand and just look at me differently. But he didn’t he totally understood and supported me and even said that we should talk like this more. WOW, a huge weight dropped at that moment. I’ve always had to be strong and keep my feelings to myself. I mean things that have truly hurt me from my past that has nothing to do with my husband. And there are things that I’m trying to learn and understand to help me move forward and be the wife that I want to be. It was encouraging that when I told him I wanted to go to counseling he was in agreement. I don’t know why I was so afraid to open up to my husband. He knows about my past but he doesn’t know how it’s still bothering me. This is one step in my journey of being a better me and having the time to journal, think, pray and have open honest conversations.

Will you survive?:

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I’ve been reading several posts regarding will my relationship last after the coronavirus. And it makes me sad because why would your relationship not last? Have you ever thought about your relationship not lasting if things were fine in the world? Maybe you thought so but the other person didn’t. Maybe you were putting on that your relationship was all good and now you’re seeing that your relationship wasn’t. Maybe we shouldn’t be looking at our relationship but on ourselves. What are you doing to make the relationship better? What are you doing to make it worse? Are you doing your best to love yourself? Are you happy with yourself regardless of the relationship? To be honest I’m working on myself and loving myself in ways that I didn’t know was possible. And in return, I will make my marriage better. So the question isn’t will your relationship survive but will you survive to do things the same way and getting the same results? When are you going to do better for you?

Working on me:

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I’m learning things about myself daily, and one thing that I have learned is that I’m letting my past control me. I learning that I can’t be a good wife until I release my past. I hold back when it comes to love, compassion and giving my all. I have been hurt so much that I don’t want to give my all to anyone. And it shouldn’t be that way. I have let them pass relationships haunt me and build a wall up where I can’t give my all. I’m struggling with this but I am taking steps that are helping me to deal with my issues. It won’t happen overnight but I know that the first step is to deal with the hurt and pain. I need to learn to open up more but right now I can’t.

We are going to be okay:

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As we are living through our new normal it’s nice to see people pick up new skills and passions that they had forgotten about. It’s nice to see people giving back. But it’s sad to see that what was done in the dark is coming to light for some relationships. There is a rise in domestic violence, verbal abuse, and mental abuse. When we get back to the way things were it’s going to be sad because the divorce rate is going to be high, children are going to be taken out of homes for child abuse. This isn’t what God wants from us. Have you ever prayed that you can spend more time with your family? Now you have the chance. Have you prayed for God to give you a new job? He will. Have you ever prayed to know your purpose and passion? So now you’re discovering it. We all need to rest, we all need to be closer to God and we all need to do the best that we can. I’m not coming out of this the same, there are things that will and have changed in me. What I’m trying to say is this even though things are bad doesn’t mean that you have to look at it like your life is over. No look at it as God giving you rest and doing amazing work in your life. It’s time to do better and learn what’s really important. I know we are all tired of being at home but it’s better than being in the hospital sick or dead. Make the best of something that’s not the best right now.

Book review:

So here are my thoughts and opinion regarding this book. I thought that the book overall was good. I wish that she would have gone deeper in certain areas more. It’s a good read overall. I feel like this book can be a huge help to some. It taught me some lessons but overall the book was good. If you have read this book before please let me know your opinion. Thanks