Am I dreaming:

Broken dreams broken heart
I feel like my whole world is falling apart
My heart is hurting no release to be found
I’m a loveless child with no parent around
My head is spinning who really cares
I’m afraid to lie down my thoughts all alone
Am I dreaming is this real
This is a hard pill to swallow my dreams are crumbling like no tomorrow
It hurts but I’m afraid to let people in
I’m not perfect my life is full of sin
I care to much and hurt to deep
It’s often hard for me to fall asleep
No joy just pain all sorrow no gain
I shift my life back to the pain
I try to clear my head but the pain hurts to deep
I guess I will try to see if I can find some sleep
I need to rest I need to breathe
I need to have a dream to believe

I care to much:

Sometimes I feel like a broken record to people. I give my advice, attention, and suggestions. Only to feel like people only care about you when it’s convenient for them. No matter if you say I love you, it’s words. No matter if you show them you love them it’s not good enough. I try to be there for people as much as I can, but lately, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. I’m tired physically and mentally. I have a lot going on between my health and looking for a job. I feel like people take me for granted. I don’t genuinely feel appreciated. My problem I think I care too much about people and how they are feeling. I care about what they think. I need to stop. This is my flaw my thorn and I need to stop.

Love:

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It amazes me how much people love Valentine’s Day. They call this the day of love. But to be honest, the day of love should be every day and not just one day. We should love our spouse daily. We need to show love and appreciation daily. Spending tons of money and buying gifts shouldn’t be a one-day occurrence. What about when she is sad? You can give her the gift of a hug. What about date night? Don’t let February 14th be the only day that you show love to your spouse. We need to be more attentive to one another.

Health update:

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I just wanted to update you on my health. Yesterday I went to see the cardiologist and I have to wear a heart monitor for two weeks. I also have to have a stress test and sonogram done on my heart next week. The doctor thinks I have inflammation and I may have fluid around my heart. I have to call my insurance company today to see how much this is going to cost me. I may have to cancel my appointment if it is too much. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks

Just Stop:

As a woman, I have been independent longer than I have been married. And I’m realizing that I don’t have to do it all on my own anymore. Why is it so hard for me to let others help me? I’m always fussing at my husband and daughter, but I don’t give them the chance to do the things that I fuss about because I’m so busy doing it myself. I get it my way. I don’t allow people to help because I feel like I can do it all on my own and when I can’t I get mad. But why? I’m the problem not them. So many times I do this to myself and I had to stop and say your the problem. Either you fix yourself or you stop complaining about what others are not doing. I don’t give them time to do anything, to be honest. And it’s not like I’m controlling the situation I’m just a doer and I like to have and get things done. I’m working on me and learning not to fuss at them for not doing things.

My marriage:

I’ve been married for 9 years, and I wish I would have had some advice about marriage before I got married. If I could go back in time and tell my newly engaged self anything it would be this. 

  1. It’s okay not to know what your doing everyone feels this way.
  2. It’s okay to be vulnerable with your husband he has your back
  3. Not everything is worthy of getting an attitude about
  4. Know that you are going to have rough times but the true test of your marriage is working it out.
  5. Just because his parents don’t like you doesn’t mean you need to take it out on him.
  6. You don’t have to be right about everything, winning is not always important.

As I have become more seasoned in my marriage I’m realizing that doing life with my husband is so much fun. I don’t need to win every argument. I don’t need to tell him what he is doing wrong all the time. I need to love and support him. I need him to know that when he comes home from work I am his comfort. I don’t always do things right in my marriage but I’m working at it. I felt like love would get me through my marriage, but now I understand it’s commitment. I’m committed to not giving up when it gets hard. I’m committed to doing my best daily. I’m still learning and growing, but I appreciate my marriage more today than ever.

What stinks?:

There are many things that stink, our garbage, your teenager and at times our attitude. I’m learning that my attitude so far this year hasn’t been the best. I had the whoa is me attitude, but there are so many people who are dealing with worse who’s attitude is so much better. I needed to step back in get out of my pity party and understand that what I’m going through is to make me better and stronger. This is a learning lesson that I have failed. Everything in life is a learning lesson but it’s how you treat the lesson. You can either have your pity party and keep going through the same thing or you can learn the lesson. I’m learning that it’s not about me and what I want on my time. It’s about God timing and how I need to learn to be patient in the process. Yes life can stink and my attitude was very funky but not anymore. I’m learning to be content in any season that I’m in. I’m a work in progress and I’m learning daily.

Happy Birthday:

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Today should be a happy day for me but it’s not. Today would have been my grandpa’s birthday. I miss him so much that words can’t explain. I would have loved to hear him cheer for the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday and talk football. That was our thing football and the love of the game. But today I would love to call him and say happy birthday and hear him laugh and say it’s my birthday. I’m doing better about you not being here but it’s still hard. You were like a dad to me grandpa. Happy Birthday. I miss you so much.

I want to win:

There will always be winners and losers in life. I felt like a loser last month. So much has happened to me in one month. I felt defeated and miserable. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of this funk. But nothing comes to those who don’t fight. You can’t fight your way out of depression if you don’t take a step. You can’t fight your way to a better marriage if you don’t take a step. I knew that I didn’t want to lose myself, marriage and life being down. I wanted to win this war that was in my life. I never knew what it meant to be low until last month. I felt like I could sleep and never wake up. Yeah, I felt that way. You don’t win anything not trying. I wanted to fight this dark cloud that was hanging over my head. And I have been. See I’m not going to be a loser. I want to win this war over my life. I don’t take my life for granted or people. So either you’re going to get up and do something or your going to stay defeated. I use to be very competitive in sports and I always wanted to win because losing wasn’t an option for me. I worked too hard training and winning was the only way for me. I’m keeping that mentality right now. Whatever is going on in my life I want to win. How about you? Do you want to win?

Restart button:

Okay, it’s time to hit the reset button on my life. This year I made a vision board about words. Speaking life and speaking good things. So far that hasn’t been what I’ve done. I have done the opposite of this. So it’s time to hit the reset button and do things over again. Just because I have been down doesn’t mean that I’m out. Just because things haven’t gone as planned doesn’t mean greatness isn’t coming. See I look at what’s happening now and not what God is preparing me for. I think that nothing is going to change but it won’t if I keep thinking negatively. So here’s the hitting the restart button in my life. What do you need to hit the restart button on?