So Saturday I was sick with food poisoning and I pretty much had to take care of myself. I had to ask my husband for some water. But other than that I was on my own. And it hurt me to have people in my home who didn’t check on me or ask me how I was doing. That broke my heart because I have never and would never do that to them. I was still sick on Sunday but I was angry and I let it out in an unhealthy way to my husband. And he told me that he never grew up seeing his parents take care of each other when they were sick. He’s also not used to seeing affection and hearing his parents say that they love each other. Just because you don’t see it growing up does that make you not able to help someone in need? If you didn’t see compassion growing up does that make you compassionless? If there was no empathy in the home does that make you not know what empathy is and not show it? I’m just trying to understand some things. Guys, please chime in here. My husband is not the only man who when I have been sick or going through something just didn’t show up for me as I needed them to. Not gonna lie I feel some type of way. And it hurts to go above and beyond for people when they are down but not get it in return when I’m down. Am I wrong to feel this way? Someone, please help me out here.
There is something about reading a good blog that does something for me. But then there is something about blogs that are so negative and disrespectful that make me think are they okay? I’m being truly serious right now. If you feel like something that I am writing about on my blog is disrespectful then please call me out about it. I know that people are allowed to write whatever they want on their blogs but people please use some common sense. You can hide behind your writing but trust me your true intentions are known. I have been coming across some nasty blogs and I’m wondering are they okay? Like what has happened to you for you to be so nasty on your blog? I write about my life and what I’m dealing with. And I admit I’m learning but people please stop and think about the words that you write before you write them. If your words are hurtful and insulting then maybe you shouldn’t write them. I understand we can express ourselves however we want to. But at the end of the day, our words have life and death. And some of the blogs that I read even though my views are different made me feel some type of way. I believe in grace. You may dislike a group of people or whatever but words hurt. And the moral of this post is that if your okay writing those words and there is no conviction in you then something is truly wrong with you. It’s your blog and you have the right to write what you want but please try to be understanding and sensitive to other people.
If you know anything about me from writing on my blogs is that communication and I are not friends. But we are getting better. Well here is another issue that seems to be huge in my marriage and that is understanding. It may seem easy to understand where someone is coming from or someone else perspective. But for me, it’s not. I don’t ask a lot of questions about why people do what they do. I just let people be. But for my husband understanding is something that we argue about a lot. He feels like I don’t understand him and well I don’t. I do see why he ask certain questions and other times I’m irritated by all the questions. We are both extreme opposites. We are both laid back but I’m more go with the flow type of person. I don’t need to know everything to be okay with you. Your vibes will tell me if something is off. But for my husband, it’s totally different. He needs me to understand so that there won’t be so many disagreements and to help me understand him better. I get it but I don’t. I’m working on this as we speak. Somethings should be so cut and dry easy right? Well for me it’s not always that way. But as I have always said I’m learning.
For some strange reason, I felt like when 2020 arrived I would get it together. But I haven’t. I took a long hard look at myself this morning and there was a sadness that I have never seen before from me. Why am I so sad. What’s going on. I had to ask myself this tough question. I feel like I’m shutting down from life. I don’t want to deal with my marriage, I’m too embarrassed to talk about how I feel to others. I know every married couple has had issues before. But for me, I don’t know how to repair what is broken. To be honest I don’t even know where to start. I want to avoid conversation with my husband. I just want to be left alone because I don’t have any answers on how to deal with our issues. I know for some your thinking well that’s the problem you’re not talking. Maybe or maybe not. But I feel like my heart is shutting down and I just don’t want to deal with the issues anymore. I need to understand why I’m shutting down, but right now I have no clue.