This is a very hard post for me to write, but I feel like right now people are hurting. It’s okay to tell your truth when you have healed from it to help others out. 20 odd years ago I had an abortion. No, I’m not happy about it at all. It was honestly one of the darkest moments in my life. A part of myself died that day, it’s something that will stay with me until I die. I can’t tell anyone what to do with their bodies, but I feel like people who have had an abortion are looked at as evil. Trust me I’m not an evil person at all. The only person who knew that I had an abortion was my kid’s dad and then I told my husband later. I was ashamed and felt empty. But no one know what was going on with my body but my doctor and myself. I’m not telling anyone that abortion is right or wrong, but understand we all have made hard decision’s in our lives that we are not proud of. I have friends who were raped by family members and people that they didn’t know and had to make the difficult decision to abort a child. Not everyone who has an abortion is irresponsible things have happened to them that made them make this decision. Please before you judge me and other’s her their story. I have read so many stories about how people feel about people who have had an abortion. We are not bad people, just made a decision that’s not right for everyone. Just know that people who have had one deal with this pain daily.
Where should I begin… I guess at the beginning. I have never been depressed before. I have known many people who have and as I look back I made judgments. Well, one reason was that what they were experiencing and projecting on the outside I wasn’t dealing with it that way. I wasn’t sleeping all day or moody. I wasn’t locked in my room or didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was the same old me, but different. I didn’t know know what it was at first. I was sad all the time, but I kept up this face like everything was okay.
I said to myself whatever I’m dealing with or going through I will handle it on my own. Well, let me go back and explain how all this started. Last year I lost my job in September and it took me many months just to get one. I felt like a failure in so many ways. But I masked how I felt with a smile and made sure that everyone else was okay. Our bank account kept getting low and my husband and I were going through it. But I kept believing that I would be okay. I kept feeling like whatever I was dealing with I would be fine.
At this time I was in counseling but I never talked to my counselor about what I was dealing with inside. We talked about other things during my session. I felt like I could deal with whatever I was going through on my own. Well, it got so bad that I would cry myself to sleep. I didn’t know how to talk about everything that I was going through. My focus was on finding a job so that we don’t have to worry about having one income anymore.
I felt hopeless but I was waking up every morning and going about my day like I was perfectly fine until I wasn’t. My husband voiced his concern to me regarding what I could do more to help out. And well I just lost it. All the sadness, hopelessness and just plain old I can’t fix me anymore just came out. As you can imagine my husband had no clue that I was going through this. I can make this look great when inside I’m dying. With all this out the weight of my depression felt somewhat light. But I still had a long way to go. I stopped going to counseling because the money was low.
So I started to do some research and I came across some great articles that changed my life. I was going to be okay. I have depression but not so bad that I need medicine. I have found some great tips to help me deal with it. I’m really taking the time out to work on myself. I know that a lot of people on my blog have reached out because I wasn’t blogging like I use to and to be honest I didn’t want anyone to know what I was struggling with. But right now I’m ready to talk. I might not be blogging as much as I use to but know that I’m working on myself to be a better me. I’m getting better but I feel that there are some areas that I need to concentrate more on.
It helps that I have a job that I really like and that I have people who care. Knowing that I have a community of fellow bloggers who have my back and care about me means the world to me. I might be struggling with some things right now, but just know it’s not going to last forever. This pandemic has been a struggle for everyone. Everyone has been going through it whether they tell you or not. Just know that you and I will get through this together. It takes one day at a time and one step at a time. If you have any tips or suggestions I’m open to hearing them. So smile I’m going to be okay.
I have seen and heard so many people losing their minds to buy gifts for everyone. I’m so confused about why we spend so much money on one day thinking that gifts will make things better. Why wait to show love and appreciation to one day? Christmas is about Jesus it’s not about spending money to make the kids, spouse, and everyone else happy. You can’t buy happiness. You can go into debt for happiness. How many more toys and games do your kids need? How do you explain the stress and all the debt that you have? What about doing something special for the ones you love often. Why wait for the last month of the year? We have gotten away from the real reason for the season. I use to be that parent that had to make sure that I got my kids all the things that they wanted just for them to use for a while and then I’m giving it away. And I had to sit back and think about the real reason for the season. How about giving back? How about making sure that families that don’t have food, clothes and whatever else gets it? Why go into debt just because you feel like you have to be like everyone else? Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but like I said this is just my opinion. I hope your time off and the holiday is good.
I’m sitting here listening to the rain and reflecting on my life. Here is a question that has been on my mind. Why don’t you tell your spouse what you need from him? Well, I’m not a great communicator. That shouldn’t be an excuse right? RIght. But the truth is I’m not. I’m a physical touch type of girl. I have always been a physical touch type of girl. I love hugs, kissing, hand holding all of that. But my husband is not that type of guy. When I was hurt I got none of that. And that made me mad. Why didn’t I just tell him that’s what I needed? Well, I’m a surfer talker. It’s easy just say that you want some affection right? Wrong. I don’t know why I can’t say it. But this morning I told my husband this is what I need the most. He was like why didn’t I just tell him instead of always being angry with him about my expectations that he knew nothing about. Well, that’s where communication comes in. I’m working hard on my communication. I love just taking the time to sit back and just think. Working on me is bettering me. I have a long way to go but I’m going to get there. When you tell people what you need it makes life a little easier.
Sometimes I feel I give you to much
When in the end I feel like you don’t give a fuck
Who was I without you
Was my day joyous or was it blue
I love you maybe too much
But right now it seems like you don’t give a fuck
Who was I without you
Was I happy, joyful and true
Maybe I care about you too much
Or maybe you just don’t give a fuck
Who was I without you
I know I was enough this much is true
I’m not Superwomen
I thought I could be
I’m not Superwomen
No, she’s not me
I’ve tried to do all the things she’s done
But her strength
I’m not Superwomen. I’ve been labeled that but I don’t want to be her anymore. I do so much for other people that I rarely take the time out to do something for myself. If I’m tired and stressed, then I’m no good for myself or other people. Women we try to do it all. But we can’t do it all. It wasn’t meant for us to do it alone. I find myself being overwhelmed, but it’s my fault. Ladies stop trying to do it all. We need to ask for help. It’s okay to not be able to handle it all. STOP LADIES-STOP!!!!!!!! We are not Superwomen. I’m not Superwomen. I’m okay being me and not doing it all.