Thank you for all the love that I received in my last post. It truly means a lot to me and to know that I’m not alone at all in how I feel. Yesterday I was talking to my husband trying to find the words to explain how I was feeling. And he took the words right out of my mouth. Every feeling that I had felt and am feeling he knew. How did he know because he went through the same thing that I’m going through now You should have seen the look on my face like you were going through this also? I honestly thought that it was just a women’s thing and that my husband would never understand. Well, he understood and even gave me some advice. Some tips on what he did and how it helped him. Prayer is a huge part but also knowing it’s okay to reflect on these feelings to see if something is missing. Also just being by myself to reflect on these feelings. He also suggested this app that has helped him. I will let you know if the app has helped me. But it felt so good that he understood what I was going through and also my blogging community. I honestly felt like I was the only one going through this. So yesterday I brought my notebook and pen to the living room and just laid them down. And something sparked me to start writing. It wasn’t a lot but it was a starting point. I plan on listening to the app today and see if I can write a few more words today. This journey is interesting, to say the least, but I’m glad that I’m not alone in it.
In my thoughts:
Sometimes I feel like I’m just existing. I feel like I’m wandering around without a purpose or point to life. I have had a few things rock me this week that has caused me to question so much. I don’t have the same passion for writing or reading anymore. I feel like either I’m going through a phase or it’s something deeper that I just don’t understand. Just trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings.
We all go through things and deal with them differently. But one way that I love to process my thoughts is to journal. I have been dealing with so many emotions that this has been a true outlet for me. How do you get your thoughts out? Do you journal, walk or scream? Either way getting it out is helpful.
I thought that I had my fear under control until recently. And this fear for some may seem crazy or even unnecessary but it’s real. Since George Floyd died my fear of my husband driving somewhere by himself has crippled me. But now when I go somewhere by myself I often wonder will I be okay. Not just driving but going into stores. Yes, I’m well aware of black people being followed in certain stores. But now it seems like people are just being rude and calling the police on innocent people because they feel like they don’t belong there. It amazes me how people can tell other people where they belong and where they don’t. I often find myself wondering if this is the land of the free why it doesn’t feel that way. Like I said for some you will understand what I’m saying. I remember a couple of weeks ago I went to the store and this guy had on a make America great again hat and a trump mask. I didn’t care because those things don’t bother me. It’s called freedom of speech and expression but what bothered me was how he looked at me. And then he had the nerve to say I bet you hate what I have on. And I was like no I don’t, but I bet you hate that I’m not bothered by it. You should have seen the look on his face, even though he had on a mask you could tell that he was surprised by my reaction. I played it cool because I honestly didn’t know where the conversation was gonna go, but he looked at me and said yes I am surprised, and then told me to have a nice day. You should never fear any man, but it hurts when you don’t have the power to defend yourself if need be because you could die. I wish this world was a more equal place to live but it’s not. I don’t care what people wear or what they say, just as long as your not in my face. It’s all about respect for me. But if I was to get pulled over our if I was to defend myself would others see it the same way?
Just my thoughts:
2020 has been one heck of a year. But it also has been a year where people’s true colors have come out. I have never known such hatred and negativity. I have never known so many people stand up and say that they don’t like this group of people. I have never known people to do things to intimated you, just because they can. What is happening to this world? I feel like things are falling apart, to be honest. Where did all this hate come from? Where did all this injustice come from? It hurts to know that we are all in this together but we are so divided. Hate is a powerful thing but so is love. We have got to do so much better. We can’t have white against black. Police against black. We need to come together and do better. I remember this song that we use to sing at church ” This world is not my home, I’m just a passing through. I wish we could get rid of the hate. Just my thoughts.
Have you ever felt invisible to the point that people see you but don’t see you? They look at you but don’t realize you need someone to talk to or just a friend. They don’t understand when your sad or just need a listening ear. Do we even care about people’s feelings anymore than we are rushed in and out of conversations? I do feel invisible at times around people. I’m the comforter and I’m the one that people lean on, but when does it become my turn? I don’t like to impose my questions or problems on people who don’t want to hear them. I’m at an age where I want people to genuinely care about having a relationship/ conversation with me. I don’t want to feel invisible anymore. I don’t want to be the person that others can rely on but I don’t have the same in return. Just letting out some thoughts on how I’m feeling. Anyone else ever felt invisible before?
It’s hard to understand a lot of times what it’s like to be different. I’m very outgoing but for my husband, he is not. I get mad because I feel like he doesn’t try hard enough to socialize. But if you know someone who is dealing with social anxiety then you know what I’m talking about. It’s easier for him to talk one on one or two on two but more than that he gets lost not really sure when to jump in the conversation. I see him struggle with this a lot and it upsets me that more people don’t realize that everyone is not the same. We are all not social butterflies. The anxiety I see and I know he wishes he could be more social. He’s left out of things at work and just in general. He’s not a person who will approach you and just start talking. He has to really be comfortable with you. I wish we could be a more understanding society. It took me a while to be more understanding of what he is dealing with. We need to take the time to care about others who are not like us.
Thinking out loud:
What is it about me that people know that I’m a haven in their life? I have always been the person that people can come and talk to about anything. I’ve always been there for anyone who needed me, but have you ever felt alone anyway? You can help solve other’s problems but don’t know where to start when it comes to solving your problems? Yeah, this is where I’m at in my life. I go hard for anyone who needs me, but when I need it in return I get a lukewarm response. Why is that? Why can I be the go-to person but I don’t have that. Naw is it me or is it them? I’m not sure, to be honest. I don’t require or ask much. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to and have someone really listen and be there for you. Maybe I’m more complicated then I realize. I don’t know just thinking out loud. But am I alone with how I feel?