Loving me:

I’ve never considered myself as beautiful. I’m not a confident person when it comes to my looks and body. See I have been molested and physically abused. So to me, my self-worth was low. I’ve had to battle forgiving myself for what happened to me years ago. But something happened on my birthday that I can’t explain. I felt confident and beautiful in my skin. I’ve never felt sexy before but it’s like all the layers of me fell off that day. It’s like the little girl and woman that I am coming to realize I’m beautiful. Despite what others tried to take from me I have survived.
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you
I love you for your joys and pains
The strength you give
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you
You hide your pain no one can see
The love you give is beyond beauty
You give so much and get nothing in return
So many lessons all have been learned
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you
They may not see your beauty
And what you have to share
Your joy is endless and some are aware
Your love for other’s never goes unnoticed
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you

It took me a while to look within and understand that no matter what was done they can’t take away my beauty. I’ve always heard that I was beautiful, pretty, etc but I never believed it. Until now my eyes are wide open and no matter what anyone may feel I’m beautiful. I will no longer accept my insecurities any longer.

Self-talk:

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We all do self talk to ourselves whether it’s healthy or not. Lately, my self-talk has been great. I know that there are things that I need to change, do better, and simply stop doing. I’m making a great effort this week to put a lot of things that I have been putting off into practice. My self talk use to be negative and quite depressing but not anymore. I’m learning that that older that I get the more I want to be a better me for me. If I’m better for myself then I can make the people around me better and help them to believe in themselves as well. I know who I am and who I want to be. I’m not easy to persuade by people around me. I know my story and what I have been through. I know what I need to do to get beyond what people think I should be. I believe in me enough to see my dreams come true and those around me. What does your self-talk look like?

Letter to my 20 year old self:

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When I was in my 20’s I couldn’t have imagined where my life would lead me. But now that I’m in my 40’s life has been a true adventure. Listen I know your struggling with love and understanding love. You have had your heart broken so many times just by being yourself. And trust me there is nothing wrong with being yourself, your going to find that special someone that God has just for you. Trust me I know, I’m in the future. You’re doing a great job with your kids, keep it up. Trust me they hear you and understand the wisdom that you are giving them. You’re a dreamer and it’s okay to dream but you must get your head out of the clouds. You have always been a risker taker and you will continue to be one. Do me a favor and work on you and loving you, because now that you’re in your 40’s you’re doing this. Understand that everything doesn’t need to lead to a misunderstanding. Hear the person out and listen to there heart. It’s okay to have time to yourself we all need it. Please learn to say no before you hit 40, it’s really important. Remember who you are and whose you are. God created a wonderful woman even though you don’t always feel this way. Don’t be so hard on yourself we all go through things, but the important thing is to learn and grow. People will come and go out of your life and it’s okay don’t take it personally. You’re going to meet some truly amazing people along the way. Your doing great don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Trust me your 40’s will be different.

Take care of you:

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So how are you doing? Have you been taking care of yourself? If not why not? Even though we are in the house we still need to take care of ourselves. Self-care is so important right now because you can’t do a lot. These are the things that I love to do to take care of me. I will go to my room and read, write, take a long bubble bath, etc. These are just a few ways to take care of you. You need to be healthy and in good shape mentally, spiritually and physically. When this is all over you need to be the best version of you. Take this time to do something for you. Find a spot in the house and just have some you time. How are you taking care of yourself?

About yesterday:

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Yesterday was not a good day at all. My husband got on my last nerve. This was just another way to take something bad and turn it into good. I went to my room and started rewriting my book. Yes rewriting my book. I haven’t really been working on it like I would like to but yesterday I rewrote two chapters. This is certainly a challenging time and the argument was just dumb, but just being together was a lot yesterday. So pretty much all day yesterday everyone was in their own space which was nice because the tension was down. I guess this is another way to learn new things. Personally, space is important. Tension is going to be high you just have to know how to defusive the situation. I was okay reading and rewriting my book. Trying to make this new normal, normal. Have a great day.

Stop complaining:

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Maybe it’s me but I’m tired of hearing people complain that they have to be at home with their spouse and kids. Am I missing something? So would you rather your family have the virus? I’m confused? Most people are working from home, okay you have a job. Be thankful because most people have lost their jobs or were out of work before the virus. So now you have to spend time with your kids! Kids grow up so fast please cherish them while they are still at home. And now you have to be with your spouse all the time. I don’t mind my husband working from home trust me it’s teaching me patience. Something that I seriously need to learn. Why don’t we all look at this situation from a positive standpoint? How about maybe this will create a closer bond with your spouse and kids. Maybe learning how to be creative in the family, our even learning something new about each other. You can go for walks, paint, draw or do something fun. I would rather my family be healthy than sick. I would rather use this time as a learning lesson. I’m not taking anything for granted. Maybe we all need to learn some patience.

Poem:

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God I’m drowning in wanting to have peace
I feel like I place value on trying to please others
God why haven’t I put my trust in you
I was seeking others but didn’t find you
I want to be closer to you Lord and lean on you always
God I need your peace and comfort all around me
God show me your love and let it surround me
God I want to be loved by others but they have faults
You will never leave me nor forsake me
God I need your love and peace
God I need you your the one that I seek

This to shall pass:

I had a really good weekend, but here’s what hurts the most. My dad went to one of my cousin’s wedding this weekend. WHOA. My dad hasn’t shown up for me on anything, but you couldn’t come to see me last weekend. But here you are at my cousin’s wedding. I’m glad that he spent time with my sons but when should I be important in his life? When should I matter? When will you show up for me? Those questions don’t even matter anymore because I have gone on with my life. I still care about him but I don’t talk to him anymore. I don’t want to be around him anymore. But it shows me more and more how less important I am to him.

Forgiveness:

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I need to work on my forgiveness. I went to bed mad last night and I was okay with that. But this morning when I got up I apologized to my husband. I’m lucky because God woke me up this morning. But what if I didn’t wake up this morning? Why am I okay going to bed mad and not caring about saying I’m sorry? I’m not okay with it but I do have a hard time apologizing to people. I’m a work in progress I know. But one thing that I have learned is when I do go to bed mad I don’t sleep very well. Last night was a rough sleep as well. But the point is tomorrow is not promised so don’t let your pride get in the way.

What now:

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I can’t believe that starting a new chapter would be so hard. It seems like the devil has been attacking me so hard. I felt like releasing baggage and letting people go would be so easy and simple but it hasn’t been. I got a bomb dropped on me yesterday from someone I’m super close to. I’m hurt and wondering where our relationship will go from here. I don’t understand why so much has been happening to me. I felt like releasing the bad energy and putting positive energy out would be great but it hasn’t been. I know that I will be okay but man when will I start having a much-needed break. I’m truly continuing to work on me and love me despite what is going on around me.