Well, I’m happy to say that Friday afternoon we got our water back. Those days without water were bad. You don’t realize that you take so many things for granted that you use every day. And then one day it’s gone you learn to appreciate it more. Also, I have learned somethings about myself during that crazy winter storm that we had. It was nice having a talk with my husband and letting him know how I’m feeling. I’ve learned that I have things that I haven’t dealt with or took the time to even acknowledge. It was nice to speak the things that I’m dealing with out loud. It’s crazy to say but I’m having a disconnect with my husband and it’s more me than him. I have never been in a relationship where I have felt that anyone was giving me their all. I haven’t ever felt loved in a relationship either. I felt more like the love came with conditions. And I have to learn to love myself and just because I love people a certain way doesn’t mean that they will love me back that way. And that’s okay as well. We are not all alike I have to learn to receive the love that is given to me. I have made time next month for me time. I just feel like it’s time to get me together. Self-love and self-care are very important right now.
I believe that if you want to change then change will come. Well as some of you know I’m on a fast. And I have been on fast’s before but this one is different. There are so many changes that I want to make within myself, some things that I want to do better at, and some things that I wanted to get rid of in my life. When I tell you how relaxed and happy I am. No, listen I’m truly happy, I’m taking the time to listen to my needs and wants. Taking the time to work on me, really work on me. Taking the time to get rid of some bad habits. My change is from the inside out. Before you can change anything about the outside you first need to make changes from the inside. And man let me tell you this process has not been easy but it has been so worth it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m a changed woman because I’m not. I’m still working on myself. But I am more relaxed, my response to people is a lot better and my anxiety is real low. I’m not sure why this time it’s more of a change within myself, but I feel like this time I’m more willing to focus on me and my issues instead of other’s and their issues.
Since I have been fasting I have been trying to get to know myself. Why don’t I love myself? I love myself but why is it easier to love others more than yourself? And it came to me. When you invest and take time to know others it’s easier to love them. But when you neglect yourself and you don’t take the time to know yourself then you can’t love someone you’re not trying to get to know. And I’m taking the time to get to know myself more. I looked in the mirror and named all the things that I didn’t like about myself. But then I looked in the same mirror and told myself all the things that I like about myself. We live in a world where they dictate what the standard of beauty is. But I’m sorry I don’t want to go off of someone’s standard who doesn’t know me to tell me that I’m beautiful. I have to keep telling myself that. I’m not a supermodel but I am beautiful. It hurts that so many women look at celebrities as a standard of beauty. But most of them have had some type of surgery done on them. I’m a natural beauty and the standard of my beauty starts and ends with me. Women you are beautiful, please stop comparing yourself to other women. We have flaws and insecurities. Love you and know that you are beautiful.
2020 wasn’t the best year for me. It started with me having some health issues. Then in the middle of the year my daughter and I not seeing eye to eye. Then my marriage being I don’t know up and down. Through all of that, I still kept making an effort and helping anyone who needed my help. But I always seem to do it for others and not myself. I feel like I had lost myself and my voice last year. It felt like everything around me is crumbling. But I hadn’t lost my voice at all. I love to blog and write. So between journaling and blogging, I was finding my voice in those lonely hours. When everything around me was crashing down I still had my voice. Things are a lot better with my husband and daughter, but one thing I need not ever forget is that I have a voice and to use it. Trust me losing yourself in others and never saying how you feel is not okay. I will be using my voice this year and not shying away from how I feel.
In 2021 I want to focus more on myself. I have taken care of everyone but myself. My children are grown and my husband well he can fend for himself. I have neglected so much that I need to love myself and find out what I like and who I truly am and if there is more to me. I want to truly love myself for awhile. I have lost myself over the years in other people and just making sure everyone was okay. Time to get back to me and find out what I need. Self-love, self-focus time here I come.
I’ve been taking care of myself and I have been learning me more and more. I have learned what I want and what I don’t want. I have been loving me more and more. But one thing that has truly made my heart swell is the fact that my husband has been so supportive and loving to me. My husband and I have been in a really good place. I haven’t been going out of my way and doing stuff for everyone. And it’s nice to see that my words are important and to be taken seriously. It hurts that I had to go off to get results. It hurts that people don’t seem to care as much as you do. But I learned that my level of caring isn’t always other people’s level of care. They care they just show it in different ways. I’m learning to be patient and understanding when it comes to those things. My chest pain has gone away. I know that it was most definitely stress. I’m learning and growing. But one thing is truly important for me and that’s taking some me time. I’m not going to neglect myself or always be available like I use to be.
I’m learning more than ever that I need to protect my peace. I have let people get to me to a point where my peace isn’t protected. As I look back on last week it has been one of the most stressful weeks in a long time. I have been unappreciated, overlooked, and taken for granted. All while I’m doing the things that I need to do for others. I had to truly ask myself is this stress and anger worth all this? And the answer was no. I honestly never thought my daughter and I would butt heads so much. I’m a very easy-going parent and I feel like maybe that can be the issue. In life, we all have to make decisions that are best for us. And I decide to protect my peace at all costs. We have found ways to compromise but in the end, it’s time for me to be selfish. I’m taking back my peace.
You never know how strong you are until you have to be. I felt like everything within me was giving up. It was the worse pain that I have ever felt, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I didn’t want to deal with it. Maybe, I thought it would go away on its own if I didn’t acknowledge the pain within me. But I had to, I’ve dealt with this storm to many times from too many people. And yet when the same storm from a different person, came I couldn’t handle it. It hurt too much to handle, it. Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I not feel good enough? But God whispered something so powerful to me. He said you are enough. I had forgiven this person but the pain was way more than I knew how to bare. What do you do next? I prayed and cried and prayed and cried. And then it hit me that the person that caused me the pain was in pain also. I had to look at the situation and understand that the enemy will try to knock you down at all costs. I was going to be alright I just had to understand that how I see the situation isn’t how the situation is. I had to learn true forgiveness at that moment and also that people deal with things that we just don’t know about. When you going through situations it might be easy for the person who has never struggled or dealt with it to give you all kinds of suggestions. But if you have never been in that situation, it’s also easy to condemn that person as well. We all deal with things, whether it’s in secret or not. I had to put myself in that person’s shoes and ask myself what, would I want someone to do for me? Sometimes you have to love someone through their issues. Giving up is always easy but staying is hard.
I realized that I have let my self-care go. I have been trying to make sure everyone else is getting what they need and are okay. But I just don’t seem to take care of myself enough. I have let me go for the sake of others. How often we forget our selves for the ones that we love. But we need to stop forgetting about ourselves. If we are not recharging then what can we offer someone else when we are on empty ourselves? It’s been hard but I’ve been operating on empty for too long. I have noticed that my peace and happiness I simply can’t give because I’m empty. I need to recharge and focus on myself. I’m working on me one day at a time for now on.
I’m on this new journey of learning how to breathe, forgive and let things go. I’m not very good at forgiveness but this is much needed in my life. To many things are weighing me down. Life is to short to do the same things and get the same results. After last Sunday I need to find my joy and happiness. I have to move on in order to heal and let love truly in. One step at a time. One day at a time.