Adult time out:

I’m currently reading a book by Sheila Walsh titled it’s okay not to be okay. I needed to take some time out to get me together. I haven’t quite got me to were I want to be but I’m getting better. It helps to have people around you that care. Tomorrow is my stress test and sonogram and I’m nervous but I know that I will be okay. I know that I don’t have to fake when I’m not okay and that it’s alright not to have all the answers at once. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and just need time to yourself. I want to comfort and be there for people when in reality I need to comfort and be there for myself sometimes. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself in a time out and figuring out your situation. There is nothing wrong with needing time alone to get you together. Love on yourself and spend time with yourself, you’re worth it. And I’m taking my own advice.

Where is my faith?:

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I’ve been down on myself lately and the negative talk that I’m giving myself is not helping. I don’t know why I don’t trust God in my situation. I don’t know why I force myself to make things happen. I want what I want now and if it’s not in God’s will for it to happen now then it won’t. No matter how much I feel like I should be here instead of there. Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Why does it seem like in the hard times I doubt and don’t have the faith that I should? Why is it when things are going right I fully trust the Lord? I don’t always like waiting but there are times when I do need to wait. Because when I take it upon myself to make things happen it just gets worse. I know that I need to make some changes in my life and take this opportunity to pray and trust that God will deliver me from this. Life isn’t always going to be easy but I need to be content in any state that I’m in.

Pride:

As I reflect on this weekend I have learned that I have a heart issue. My heart issue is pride. I didn’t want my husband to stay with me when he drove me to the hospital, but he did. And I was happy about it. I’m the type of person who takes care of others and I don’t want others to take care of me. It’s the pride I know but more importantly, I’m missing out on a blessing. It’s a blessing to have someone want to stay with you to help you. I get home and my husband and daughter didn’t want me to do anything. It felt weird but I was too exhausted to even argue with them. They took really good care of me. I need to work on letting others take care of me. I thought that I had my pride in check but I don’t. I know what it means to want to help someone and I should let others do that for me. I’m a work in progress and I’m learning.

Yesterday:

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Yesterday was probably the scariest day in some years for me. I went to the ER with chest pains and was immediately taken back to a room where an EKG was done. Then blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan. It was all so fast it made my head spin. The doctor and staff were truly amazing. They talked to me about what was happening and the next steps. It was a comfort to feel truly cared about. The good news is I didn’t have a heart attack, no blood clot or anything serious like that. The bad news is that I have to see a cardiologist on Monday. They think it could be inflammation or something going on with my heart. I have a family history of heart issues on my mom’s side. But I’ve never had anything wrong with my heart. So please keep me lifted in prayer. Yesterday was rough for me and I’m resting today.

I want to win:

There will always be winners and losers in life. I felt like a loser last month. So much has happened to me in one month. I felt defeated and miserable. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of this funk. But nothing comes to those who don’t fight. You can’t fight your way out of depression if you don’t take a step. You can’t fight your way to a better marriage if you don’t take a step. I knew that I didn’t want to lose myself, marriage and life being down. I wanted to win this war that was in my life. I never knew what it meant to be low until last month. I felt like I could sleep and never wake up. Yeah, I felt that way. You don’t win anything not trying. I wanted to fight this dark cloud that was hanging over my head. And I have been. See I’m not going to be a loser. I want to win this war over my life. I don’t take my life for granted or people. So either you’re going to get up and do something or your going to stay defeated. I use to be very competitive in sports and I always wanted to win because losing wasn’t an option for me. I worked too hard training and winning was the only way for me. I’m keeping that mentality right now. Whatever is going on in my life I want to win. How about you? Do you want to win?

Welcome back:

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I’m thankful to see a new day and month. What January taught me is not how you start the year but how you finish. January was a tough month for me. But what I failed to realize is that everything that I was going through, people were praying for me and loving on me. I was never alone even though at times it felt like it. I’ve learned that when times get tough I become a wimp. I don’t fight like I know that I should. I coward in the corner somewhere feeling sorry for myself. How am I ever gonna get and be better if I continue to let things and people have the last say in my life? Well thankfully January is over and February is here. I’m not giving up on me. I’m fighting for me again. The enemy can knock me down and throw things at me but I know that I will and can come out fighting. Hello, me welcome back, yeah you had a rough month but get over it. We got work to do and it starts now.

Letter to my 20 year old self:

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When I was in my 20’s I couldn’t have imagined where my life would lead me. But now that I’m in my 40’s life has been a true adventure. Listen I know your struggling with love and understanding love. You have had your heart broken so many times just by being yourself. And trust me there is nothing wrong with being yourself, your going to find that special someone that God has just for you. Trust me I know, I’m in the future. You’re doing a great job with your kids, keep it up. Trust me they hear you and understand the wisdom that you are giving them. You’re a dreamer and it’s okay to dream but you must get your head out of the clouds. You have always been a risker taker and you will continue to be one. Do me a favor and work on you and loving you, because now that you’re in your 40’s you’re doing this. Understand that everything doesn’t need to lead to a misunderstanding. Hear the person out and listen to there heart. It’s okay to have time to yourself we all need it. Please learn to say no before you hit 40, it’s really important. Remember who you are and whose you are. God created a wonderful woman even though you don’t always feel this way. Don’t be so hard on yourself we all go through things, but the important thing is to learn and grow. People will come and go out of your life and it’s okay don’t take it personally. You’re going to meet some truly amazing people along the way. Your doing great don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Trust me your 40’s will be different.

Heart issue:

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Last year ended not very good for me. I felt like I wanted to end my marriage. I felt like separation was the best option. But something was tugging at my heart about why I wanted to leave my husband. I didn’t want to face the truth about my feelings so I placed the blame all on him when all of it wasn’t his fault. I felt like being away from him would make things better, but it wouldn’t because I hadn’t dealt with what I’m going through. Why was I so quick to throw in the towel of my marriage? My marriage wasn’t horrible, it was nice. Do we argue yes, but who doesn’t? My anger and feelings of rejection I took out on him. What others had done to me I took out on him. I left the pain that others had caused me to want to end my marriage. How stupid is that?????? Very if you ask me. I was mad at the wrong person and wanted to leave the wrong person because people had left me. How was that fair? I said some mean and horrible things to my husband in anger because of how others treated me. I’m very thankful to have a patient husband that doesn’t give up on me. I was ready to end 9 years of marriage because of what other people had done to me. I’m learning. I’m not perfect in marriage but I’m trying. I realize that would have been the worse decision that I could have ever made if I had gone through with it. The moral of this post is married couples please look deeper at what the real issue could be. Let’s stop divorcing over things that won’t matter two days from now. You’re not going to agree on everything, you’re not gonna like something the other person loves. But dig deeper into your heart and see what your true issue might be. I have a heart issue that I’m dealing with because I have let so many cause me pain. Don’t let your heart issue cost you your marriage.

Mirror:

I’m a reflection of who I see in the mirror
My beauty is skin deep and the skin that I’m in is skin deep
Loving the women that I see in the mirror is just an image I see
See I’m a reflection of who I see, what lies beyond the mirror is me
I’m perfectly imperfect the reflection is me
Who is this the women that I see, and why is she staring at me
I love her smile and the sparkle in her eyes
The women I see in the mirror is me
I’m going to love you like never before and cherish the women that I see
The women looking back in the mirror is me