Well, I’m happy to say that Friday afternoon we got our water back. Those days without water were bad. You don’t realize that you take so many things for granted that you use every day. And then one day it’s gone you learn to appreciate it more. Also, I have learned somethings about myself during that crazy winter storm that we had. It was nice having a talk with my husband and letting him know how I’m feeling. I’ve learned that I have things that I haven’t dealt with or took the time to even acknowledge. It was nice to speak the things that I’m dealing with out loud. It’s crazy to say but I’m having a disconnect with my husband and it’s more me than him. I have never been in a relationship where I have felt that anyone was giving me their all. I haven’t ever felt loved in a relationship either. I felt more like the love came with conditions. And I have to learn to love myself and just because I love people a certain way doesn’t mean that they will love me back that way. And that’s okay as well. We are not all alike I have to learn to receive the love that is given to me. I have made time next month for me time. I just feel like it’s time to get me together. Self-love and self-care are very important right now.
It’s crazy when you take a moment to work on yourself you realize all the things that you haven’t been working on. As I was sitting by myself reflecting on somethings I noticed that I haven’t been the wife that I want to be to my husband. Why is that you may ask? Well for me I have to be the one who initiates so many things and after a while it just gets tiring. So I stopped initiating a lot of things that we both enjoyed because of my selfishness. But I knew when I met my husband that this wasn’t his strength. But I felt like over the years it would just come natural to him. I’m not saying that he doesn’t initiate anything but he doesn’t do it as much as me. So I was using that as a standard to measure whether or not I was going to do something. And yes that was selfish and unfair of me because he doesn’t do that to me. I have many flaws and many things don’t come naturally to me. But as I’m working on myself this year I had to see the error of my ways. I want him to be like me but he won’t. I didn’t fall in love with him because he was like me, I fell in love with him because he wasn’t like me. We have missed out on so much because of this. I’m working to do much better in this area of my life. You don’t realize sometimes what you do to people until it’s brought to your attention. I realize that there are several areas in my life as a wife that I can get better at. Working on me is way harder than I thought it would be, but it’s worth it because I’m worth it.
I’m taking a break from social media to be able to focus on God and areas where I need to grow. Social media was stressing me out. So much is going on, too many people are dying and so much negative and hate. I felt myself stressing out because of the words that people were using against one another. I had to redirect my focus and what I want for myself. Sometimes you need to step away from things for you to get yourself right. I was too caught up in social media. But now that I have been off of it I don’t have any desire to get on it. I’m doing a 21 day fast and since I have been fasting I feel so much better about myself and how I see things. I feel like we can get too influenced by other people and their thoughts on social media.
In 2021 I want to focus more on myself. I have taken care of everyone but myself. My children are grown and my husband well he can fend for himself. I have neglected so much that I need to love myself and find out what I like and who I truly am and if there is more to me. I want to truly love myself for awhile. I have lost myself over the years in other people and just making sure everyone was okay. Time to get back to me and find out what I need. Self-love, self-focus time here I come.
One thing I know is that this year was hard, but one thing that I appreciate about this year is the fact that I need to make better time for myself. I have given so much to so many people and I need to give back to myself. I use to do self-care but have been slacking. I’m starting today by recharging my batteries. I’m always going and doing and I don’t take care of myself. Well hello, self I’m about to start taking better care of you.
I realized that I have let my self-care go. I have been trying to make sure everyone else is getting what they need and are okay. But I just don’t seem to take care of myself enough. I have let me go for the sake of others. How often we forget our selves for the ones that we love. But we need to stop forgetting about ourselves. If we are not recharging then what can we offer someone else when we are on empty ourselves? It’s been hard but I’ve been operating on empty for too long. I have noticed that my peace and happiness I simply can’t give because I’m empty. I need to recharge and focus on myself. I’m working on me one day at a time for now on.