All I really want:

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I went to church today feeling different. I didn’t want to worship, I half-listened to the sermon. I felt out of place. I feel angry, hurt, sad and just tired. What am I doing wrong? I’m tired of people asking me how I feel when to be honest I don’t know. I’m tired of having a smile that’s not genuine. I’m tired of people thinking I’m acting weird when I don’t know why I feel this way or why I’m going through what I’m going through. I get people care, but stop. I feel like I want to be alone with no one around me. I feel like God left me months ago and my prayers are not being heard and will never be answered. I feel like I’m drowning in my own misery. I try not to think about it and go on like I’m fine but I’m not. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. I really do. I hate not really being able to communicate how I truly feel. I don’t need pity or sympathy. I need someone to care if I don’t know the right words. I need someone to care if they see tears running down my face. I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE. After church, I went up to a lady that I know giving her an update and she asked me why I didn’t go down for prayer. I told her without hesitation that whatever the outcome is I’m okay with it and I have made peace. She wasn’t buying that and took me down for prayer. Something came alive in me again as this lady prayed for me, but it felt like as soon as the prayer was over my heart harden again, because God hasn’t been answering my prayers so far why would he start now? It’s hard and I’m not okay. My tears and pain are real. I’m tired of the test I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I just want a job. I just want this sadness to go away. I just want people to really care about me. That’s all that I want.

Get me together:

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Yesterday was a very emotional and interesting day. I talked with one of my good friends and she asked me did I think that what I was dealing with could be related to age and hormones. And then talking to my husband yesterday he asked me could what I’m going through possible be because my daughter is a senior this year. And then another question was asked to me am I depressed? I honestly have never been depressed but what I have being reading I think I might be. And I think it is a combination of age, hormones and my daughter last year of high school. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME!!!!!!!!! I have never felt this way in my life. I feel, I don’t know how I feel to be honest. Just sad that’s the only way that I can describe it. I’ve been praying and meditate and it helps but I need to get out of this funk I don’t like it at all. I feel like I need to see someone regarding my issues. I need to get me together for real.

Traveling Alone:

Life has a funny way of showing you that it cares
You’re left all alone with no one there
It gets lonely sometimes when your traveling alone
Nowhere to go no place to call home
I’m trying my best to understand why life has no answers but only lies
I feel disconnected with nowhere to go
I’m traveling alone while searching for a home
I’m left to wonder will I truly understand
What I’m to do without a plan
I’ve traveled as far as this road will go
I’m traveling alone on an empty road