Any type of relationship is hard. But the hardest relationships are the ones where you are verbal, mental, and physical abuse. My first experience with abuse started when I was in high school. It wasn’t pleasant at all. I endure so much with my then-boyfriend. I had never been hit or talked to the way that I had. For me, the emotional abuse was worse than the physical abuse. No abuse is okay. And when you have endured years of abuse from people it’s hard to leave a situation that isn’t safe or okay. But I’m more aware of the signs and what to and not to deal with. We all endure some type of abuse in our lives. But we don’t have to continue to take that abuse. If you are being abused they say to tell someone. But that’s hard at times. This is one relationship no one should ever have to endure.
One thing that I have learned is that any type of relationship is hard. But the one thing that hurts the most in relationships is the fact that when you are the one checking up on others and making sure that they are okay. But you never get it back in return. I don’t like one-sided relationships with anyone. I don’t like that the only time that I hear from you is when you want something. I don’t like the fact that I don’t seem that important to you until we see each other. I don’t like the fact that when you are loyal others are not. I have tried my best to see things in a different light because of this pandemic but I’m realizing that people will make time for who and what they want to make time for. I have to let some people go and be okay with it. Making them a priority when I’m not is not going to cut it anymore. I have to be okay with us never speaking again. Life is way to short to give on oneself and get nothing in return. My time is just as valuable as anyone else. Its time to let them go.
I’ve been going through it and I haven’t let anyone in. I’ve been hiding my feelings from everyone. Some of it has to do with my medicine that I’m taking for endometriosis and the some of it just from me. I’m not going lie I have been moody and not wanting to be bothered by anyone. Not like me at all, but it is one of the side effects from the medicine that I was on. I just felt so alone like all the things that were bothering me was just trapped inside of me and I wasn’t sure how to let anyone in. To be honest I didn’t know if I wanted to let anyone in. Then Sunday came and I was lying in bed listening to gospel music and the flood gates of my tears just opened. I can’t explain it, it was like all the pain that I had trapped in me just released. It felt so good, my chest stopped hurting and the crying felt so good. I felt like I had released so much pain. After I had my cry I feel asleep and when I woke up that morning it felt like I was free. Like I understood what I needed to do. I can’t keep holding stuff in and I can’t keep allowing people to hurt me. I can’t be okay with these things anymore. I’m important and I understand my worth. I wrote an email to my husband and other’s expressing how I was feeling and why. I know that some of you are like why didn’t you talk to them. I’m better at expressing myself on paper then I am at talking. And with talking people interrupt you. I needed to get some things off my chest without any interruptions. I needed to say what I had to say. I’m glad that I did it because it brought about better understanding and it brought about a much needed conversation. I’m not perfect but one thing about me that I truly lack is communication when it comes to my marriage and friendships. I HATE telling people how I truly feel because people don’t always understand or care. Well I can’t let that bother me anymore. I have to be me and tell my truth. It’s not to offend anyone because it will be said in love. I have so much to learn and so much to let go of and I’m trying. All I can do is take one day at a time and one step at a time.
I honestly feel like I have had so much weight lifted off of my shoulders. I’m very low key when it comes to my feelings. You may say that’s not true because I write how I feel, yes I do but I keep a lot of my feelings inside. Because I don’t like judgment or criticism. But yesterday I felt compelled to speak my heart with my husband and tell him all that I have been feeling. A part of me was fearful that he wouldn’t understand and just look at me differently. But he didn’t he totally understood and supported me and even said that we should talk like this more. WOW, a huge weight dropped at that moment. I’ve always had to be strong and keep my feelings to myself. I mean things that have truly hurt me from my past that has nothing to do with my husband. And there are things that I’m trying to learn and understand to help me move forward and be the wife that I want to be. It was encouraging that when I told him I wanted to go to counseling he was in agreement. I don’t know why I was so afraid to open up to my husband. He knows about my past but he doesn’t know how it’s still bothering me. This is one step in my journey of being a better me and having the time to journal, think, pray and have open honest conversations.