I’ve been going through it and I haven’t let anyone in. I’ve been hiding my feelings from everyone. Some of it has to do with my medicine that I’m taking for endometriosis and the some of it just from me. I’m not going lie I have been moody and not wanting to be bothered by anyone. Not like me at all, but it is one of the side effects from the medicine that I was on. I just felt so alone like all the things that were bothering me was just trapped inside of me and I wasn’t sure how to let anyone in. To be honest I didn’t know if I wanted to let anyone in. Then Sunday came and I was lying in bed listening to gospel music and the flood gates of my tears just opened. I can’t explain it, it was like all the pain that I had trapped in me just released. It felt so good, my chest stopped hurting and the crying felt so good. I felt like I had released so much pain. After I had my cry I feel asleep and when I woke up that morning it felt like I was free. Like I understood what I needed to do. I can’t keep holding stuff in and I can’t keep allowing people to hurt me. I can’t be okay with these things anymore. I’m important and I understand my worth. I wrote an email to my husband and other’s expressing how I was feeling and why. I know that some of you are like why didn’t you talk to them. I’m better at expressing myself on paper then I am at talking. And with talking people interrupt you. I needed to get some things off my chest without any interruptions. I needed to say what I had to say. I’m glad that I did it because it brought about better understanding and it brought about a much needed conversation. I’m not perfect but one thing about me that I truly lack is communication when it comes to my marriage and friendships. I HATE telling people how I truly feel because people don’t always understand or care. Well I can’t let that bother me anymore. I have to be me and tell my truth. It’s not to offend anyone because it will be said in love. I have so much to learn and so much to let go of and I’m trying. All I can do is take one day at a time and one step at a time.
I found this quote from a book I’m currently reading. To be honest, this weekend has been the worse. I’m not feeling good. My chest hurts, headache and stomach hurt. Luckily today the only thing that hurts still is my stomach. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of holding the pain in. I’m tired of people not listening. I’m tired of doing it all. I’m tired of not being appreciated. I’m tired of hurting and holding it all in. No, I can’t go back and change the beginning, but I need to change how things are going to end. There are relationships that I’m just tired of putting my time and effort into. I’m at a point where I don’t care if they last or not. I’m tired. I know I’m not the only one who has gotten to this point.
Who’s content with their life is the question? I thought that I was but, to be honest, I’m not. There are things that I wish I had, wish I could do and wish I had more of. But if I”m being honest I wish I had a better relationship with God. It’s my fault, not his. He is always there open and ready but I’m not. Why? Because he knows everything about me. He knows my thoughts, fears, and dreams. But to be honest, what does it look like having a relationship with God? I pray, read my devotionals, read my bible, and listen to sermons. But does that mean that I have a relationship with God? Am I being lazy in this area of my life? I would have to say yes. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be open to you. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning when it comes to having a relationship with God. What does he truly expect from me? I pray to connect and have a relationship with him. I pray for others more than I pray for myself. But what am I missing here? I feel like I”m not content because I’m missing this relationship with God. I feel like I”m not content because I”m not truly seeking him as I should. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?
I’m not going to lie apart of me is torn about what to do next with my life. But also a part of me is torn about what to do with some relationships in my life. I honestly feel like no matter how much you care or try to explain things to people they will never get it. Some people grew up not being loved or cared for. Some people grew up with so much love that they give it back to others. But no matter what you do for someone they will never understand it and will always question it. I’m really at the point in my life if I should even care anymore. There is so much going on in this world and I get it but at the end of the day, we all have to go home and face our problems. We all have friendships and relationships that we know aren’t good for us. We all have to get to a point in our lives where we start to put us first. I don’t know what that looks like to be honest because I don’t do that. I take care of everyone else and leave myself for last. But I feel like this needs to change in my life. I leave the leftover energy for myself and that isn’t enough. Most of the time I’m so tired that I neglect myself. I have to truly love myself and give me time and space to grow and develop. I have to give myself time to be the best me. Looking back in life I have truly neglected myself and I feel like the best me is still inside of me.
I’m sitting here today thinking about my life. My relationships have gotten so much better. Except for one. I haven’t talked to my dad since March and to be honest, I don’t feel bad about it. I stopped talking to my dad because I was tired of him lying to me. All my life that is all my dad did to me was lie. And I had, had enough. At some point, this has got to stop. You can’t continue to lie to me and let me down all the time.
But it bothers me that he doesn’t get it. It’s just another day to him. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset. It doesn’t matter how many times I have told him this already. He just seems to be clueless. I’m the only child that he makes promises to and doesn’t come through on. So I’m tired and done. When I feel like talking to him then I will but right now I need time to heal. Your parents are supposed to set an example for you. Not lie to you and think that it’s okay. My dad has never been there for me in any way in my life. Just trying to figure out what I did so bad to be treated like this.
This morning my husband asked me why don’t I love him. I said I do love you. Am I uncapable of loving him? I mean I’ve never had someone say this to me before? This question threw me for a loop. He gets on my nerves but I love him. He pisses me off sometimes but I love him. Maybe I dont show it enough. Maybe I don’t show it at all. I don’t feel like I’m a heartless person. I can be cold at times but it’s nothing personal. I didn’t know that he felt this way. Has anyone ever said anything like this to you before? If so how did you handle it?
I’ve been reading several posts regarding will my relationship last after the coronavirus. And it makes me sad because why would your relationship not last? Have you ever thought about your relationship not lasting if things were fine in the world? Maybe you thought so but the other person didn’t. Maybe you were putting on that your relationship was all good and now you’re seeing that your relationship wasn’t. Maybe we shouldn’t be looking at our relationship but on ourselves. What are you doing to make the relationship better? What are you doing to make it worse? Are you doing your best to love yourself? Are you happy with yourself regardless of the relationship? To be honest I’m working on myself and loving myself in ways that I didn’t know was possible. And in return, I will make my marriage better. So the question isn’t will your relationship survive but will you survive to do things the same way and getting the same results? When are you going to do better for you?
Your relationship matters. I have seen and heard people complain and just look exhausted over there relationships. Marriage is like a full-time job sometimes. What you put in this relationship is what you are going to get out of the relationship. What type of effort do you put into your relationships? What you did to get this person are you still doing it? I have to confess I don’t. I have got so comfortable in my marriage that you do the same thing expecting a different result. I want my marriage to flourish but when my husband annoys me and gets on my nerves my conversation is not sweet. There are things that I need to work on to strengthen my marriage. But you can’t get lazy with your relationships and expect that things will get better. You have to put in some work. It may feel like your the only one who is putting in the work. That’s okay you keep going because your spouse will see a change in you and want to work harder on the relationship as well.
I woke up early this morning because there was a lot on my mind. My relationship with God is not where I want it to be. It’s not because of God but because of me. I use to have a great relationship with God and somewhere along the way, I stopped. I mean I pray but sometimes my prayers are just prayers out of obligation. Something that I’m supposed to do. I only really pray when I’m going through something. I use to read my bible daily I don’t anymore. I read devotionals on my bible app. I feel like I’m a million miles away from God. I don’t know why I stopped trusting in him. I don’t know why I have distanced myself from him. But I feel this longing to be close to God again. I feel this longing to rest in his arms again. I’m not a perfect person and I never claim to be. But this is something that I’m truly longing for. I can’t blame anyone for my relationship with God but myself. I’m trying to get me together and grow my relationship with God. I long for the father and I know that he has never left me but I who has left him.