It’s crazy to expect people to be who you think that they should be. This week was a great learning lesson for me. Tuesday I started having these weird chest pains while cooking. The pains didn’t go away so I called my cardiologist and I was scheduled for an EKG the next day. But during that night I didn’t feel myself and instead of getting some type of empathy for my husband. It’s like he wanted to pick an argument and I wasn’t happy about that at all. Then on Wednesday, I had my EKG done, and when it was done I let my kids know that I had to get an EKG done. And the next day not one of my kids called or even asked about how I was feeling. My daughter who lives at home with me didn’t even ask. She was just worried about what she wanted to do but not me. When I tell you how much that hurt me. I felt like okay I’m not understanding this at all. I got so many what I felt like were excuses from my kids and then on top of that, I told my husband what I felt like was lacking in our marriage. And it felt like he couldn’t understand where I was coming from. When you having a conversation with someone it’s rude to constantly be on your phone. It’s like when we do stuff he’s always on his phone. How hard is it to put your phone down and pay some attention to your wife? I’m not really in a good space right now. It just feels like a lack of respect and concern for me when it comes to my husband and kids. My EKG came back normal but my doctor is still concerned. Thank you for letting me vent.
I don’t know about you but when I’m looking for someone to date their are certain things that I look for or smell for. When I met my husband the one thing that caught my attention was how good he smelled. If you know me then you know that I absolutely love a man who smells good. This is a huge turn on for me. And the other thing that I noticed about him is that for some reason he was just confident not cocky. Well when I started a friendship with my husband he didn’t think he was confident but trust me he was. There are things about people that make me notice or take a second glance. Yes he is fine that is obvious but looks don’t mean that you will treat someone right. He was just a all around great person. So what made you take a second look or become interested in your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend?
Any type of relationship is hard. But the hardest relationships are the ones where you are verbal, mental, and physical abuse. My first experience with abuse started when I was in high school. It wasn’t pleasant at all. I endure so much with my then-boyfriend. I had never been hit or talked to the way that I had. For me, the emotional abuse was worse than the physical abuse. No abuse is okay. And when you have endured years of abuse from people it’s hard to leave a situation that isn’t safe or okay. But I’m more aware of the signs and what to and not to deal with. We all endure some type of abuse in our lives. But we don’t have to continue to take that abuse. If you are being abused they say to tell someone. But that’s hard at times. This is one relationship no one should ever have to endure.
One thing that I have learned is that any type of relationship is hard. But the one thing that hurts the most in relationships is the fact that when you are the one checking up on others and making sure that they are okay. But you never get it back in return. I don’t like one-sided relationships with anyone. I don’t like that the only time that I hear from you is when you want something. I don’t like the fact that I don’t seem that important to you until we see each other. I don’t like the fact that when you are loyal others are not. I have tried my best to see things in a different light because of this pandemic but I’m realizing that people will make time for who and what they want to make time for. I have to let some people go and be okay with it. Making them a priority when I’m not is not going to cut it anymore. I have to be okay with us never speaking again. Life is way to short to give on oneself and get nothing in return. My time is just as valuable as anyone else. Its time to let them go.
I wish that I could go back in time and redo some of my relationships. This week I’m going to talk to you about relationships that I wish that I could redo. The first one is the relationship that I have with my in-laws/outlaws. More so my mother-in-law. We never got off to a good start. Before I was even dating my husband while on the phone with him she said some really mean things about me and he defended my honor. I wish I could say that after that everything was smooth sailing but it wasn’t. She never apologized until years later for what she said. She has always dislike me because she didn’t get to chose who her son would marry. The woman that I am she would have never chosen for him. For one I’m not a Louisiana native. Two I’m older than him and three I had kids. But more importantly, I have her son back and I make him happy. I’m not lazy by no means. I work, cook, clean, and support my husband. While I was there I rarely saw my mother-in-law cook or clean. She was always negative to both my husband and her own husband. As far as I knew she had no friends. She was mean in how she talked to people. But at the end of the day, I wish that I wouldn’t have let her get to me and take me out of my character. There were many times when I blamed my husband for how his parents treated me and that wasn’t fair. I wish that I would have not taken things so personally and spoke up for myself more. To be honest this is one relationship that I don’t care to have. I at this moment don’t talk to my in-laws. I want my husband to continue to have a relationship with his parents. It’s different for them now because of how they treat me. Some relationships are not worth keeping and this is one of them.
I’ve been going through it and I haven’t let anyone in. I’ve been hiding my feelings from everyone. Some of it has to do with my medicine that I’m taking for endometriosis and the some of it just from me. I’m not going lie I have been moody and not wanting to be bothered by anyone. Not like me at all, but it is one of the side effects from the medicine that I was on. I just felt so alone like all the things that were bothering me was just trapped inside of me and I wasn’t sure how to let anyone in. To be honest I didn’t know if I wanted to let anyone in. Then Sunday came and I was lying in bed listening to gospel music and the flood gates of my tears just opened. I can’t explain it, it was like all the pain that I had trapped in me just released. It felt so good, my chest stopped hurting and the crying felt so good. I felt like I had released so much pain. After I had my cry I feel asleep and when I woke up that morning it felt like I was free. Like I understood what I needed to do. I can’t keep holding stuff in and I can’t keep allowing people to hurt me. I can’t be okay with these things anymore. I’m important and I understand my worth. I wrote an email to my husband and other’s expressing how I was feeling and why. I know that some of you are like why didn’t you talk to them. I’m better at expressing myself on paper then I am at talking. And with talking people interrupt you. I needed to get some things off my chest without any interruptions. I needed to say what I had to say. I’m glad that I did it because it brought about better understanding and it brought about a much needed conversation. I’m not perfect but one thing about me that I truly lack is communication when it comes to my marriage and friendships. I HATE telling people how I truly feel because people don’t always understand or care. Well I can’t let that bother me anymore. I have to be me and tell my truth. It’s not to offend anyone because it will be said in love. I have so much to learn and so much to let go of and I’m trying. All I can do is take one day at a time and one step at a time.
I found this quote from a book I’m currently reading. To be honest, this weekend has been the worse. I’m not feeling good. My chest hurts, headache and stomach hurt. Luckily today the only thing that hurts still is my stomach. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of holding the pain in. I’m tired of people not listening. I’m tired of doing it all. I’m tired of not being appreciated. I’m tired of hurting and holding it all in. No, I can’t go back and change the beginning, but I need to change how things are going to end. There are relationships that I’m just tired of putting my time and effort into. I’m at a point where I don’t care if they last or not. I’m tired. I know I’m not the only one who has gotten to this point.
Who’s content with their life is the question? I thought that I was but, to be honest, I’m not. There are things that I wish I had, wish I could do and wish I had more of. But if I”m being honest I wish I had a better relationship with God. It’s my fault, not his. He is always there open and ready but I’m not. Why? Because he knows everything about me. He knows my thoughts, fears, and dreams. But to be honest, what does it look like having a relationship with God? I pray, read my devotionals, read my bible, and listen to sermons. But does that mean that I have a relationship with God? Am I being lazy in this area of my life? I would have to say yes. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be open to you. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning when it comes to having a relationship with God. What does he truly expect from me? I pray to connect and have a relationship with him. I pray for others more than I pray for myself. But what am I missing here? I feel like I”m not content because I’m missing this relationship with God. I feel like I”m not content because I”m not truly seeking him as I should. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?
I’m not going to lie apart of me is torn about what to do next with my life. But also a part of me is torn about what to do with some relationships in my life. I honestly feel like no matter how much you care or try to explain things to people they will never get it. Some people grew up not being loved or cared for. Some people grew up with so much love that they give it back to others. But no matter what you do for someone they will never understand it and will always question it. I’m really at the point in my life if I should even care anymore. There is so much going on in this world and I get it but at the end of the day, we all have to go home and face our problems. We all have friendships and relationships that we know aren’t good for us. We all have to get to a point in our lives where we start to put us first. I don’t know what that looks like to be honest because I don’t do that. I take care of everyone else and leave myself for last. But I feel like this needs to change in my life. I leave the leftover energy for myself and that isn’t enough. Most of the time I’m so tired that I neglect myself. I have to truly love myself and give me time and space to grow and develop. I have to give myself time to be the best me. Looking back in life I have truly neglected myself and I feel like the best me is still inside of me.
I’m sitting here today thinking about my life. My relationships have gotten so much better. Except for one. I haven’t talked to my dad since March and to be honest, I don’t feel bad about it. I stopped talking to my dad because I was tired of him lying to me. All my life that is all my dad did to me was lie. And I had, had enough. At some point, this has got to stop. You can’t continue to lie to me and let me down all the time.
But it bothers me that he doesn’t get it. It’s just another day to him. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset. It doesn’t matter how many times I have told him this already. He just seems to be clueless. I’m the only child that he makes promises to and doesn’t come through on. So I’m tired and done. When I feel like talking to him then I will but right now I need time to heal. Your parents are supposed to set an example for you. Not lie to you and think that it’s okay. My dad has never been there for me in any way in my life. Just trying to figure out what I did so bad to be treated like this.