I’m sitting here today thinking about my life. My relationships have gotten so much better. Except for one. I haven’t talked to my dad since March and to be honest, I don’t feel bad about it. I stopped talking to my dad because I was tired of him lying to me. All my life that is all my dad did to me was lie. And I had, had enough. At some point, this has got to stop. You can’t continue to lie to me and let me down all the time. But it bothers me that he doesn’t get it. It’s just another day to him. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset. It doesn’t matter how many times I have told him this already. He just seems to be clueless. I’m the only child that he makes promises to and doesn’t come through on. So I’m tired and done. When I feel like talking to him then I will but right now I need time to heal. Your parents are supposed to set an example for you. Not lie to you and think that it’s okay. My dad has never been there for me in any way in my life. Just trying to figure out what I did so bad to be treated like this.
This morning my husband asked me why don’t I love him. I said I do love you. Am I uncapable of loving him? I mean I’ve never had someone say this to me before? This question threw me for a loop. He gets on my nerves but I love him. He pisses me off sometimes but I love him. Maybe I dont show it enough. Maybe I don’t show it at all. I don’t feel like I’m a heartless person. I can be cold at times but it’s nothing personal. I didn’t know that he felt this way. Has anyone ever said anything like this to you before? If so how did you handle it?
I’ve been reading several posts regarding will my relationship last after the coronavirus. And it makes me sad because why would your relationship not last? Have you ever thought about your relationship not lasting if things were fine in the world? Maybe you thought so but the other person didn’t. Maybe you were putting on that your relationship was all good and now you’re seeing that your relationship wasn’t. Maybe we shouldn’t be looking at our relationship but on ourselves. What are you doing to make the relationship better? What are you doing to make it worse? Are you doing your best to love yourself? Are you happy with yourself regardless of the relationship? To be honest I’m working on myself and loving myself in ways that I didn’t know was possible. And in return, I will make my marriage better. So the question isn’t will your relationship survive but will you survive to do things the same way and getting the same results? When are you going to do better for you?
Your relationship matters. I have seen and heard people complain and just look exhausted over there relationships. Marriage is like a full-time job sometimes. What you put in this relationship is what you are going to get out of the relationship. What type of effort do you put into your relationships? What you did to get this person are you still doing it? I have to confess I don’t. I have got so comfortable in my marriage that you do the same thing expecting a different result. I want my marriage to flourish but when my husband annoys me and gets on my nerves my conversation is not sweet. There are things that I need to work on to strengthen my marriage. But you can’t get lazy with your relationships and expect that things will get better. You have to put in some work. It may feel like your the only one who is putting in the work. That’s okay you keep going because your spouse will see a change in you and want to work harder on the relationship as well.
I woke up early this morning because there was a lot on my mind. My relationship with God is not where I want it to be. It’s not because of God but because of me. I use to have a great relationship with God and somewhere along the way, I stopped. I mean I pray but sometimes my prayers are just prayers out of obligation. Something that I’m supposed to do. I only really pray when I’m going through something. I use to read my bible daily I don’t anymore. I read devotionals on my bible app. I feel like I’m a million miles away from God. I don’t know why I stopped trusting in him. I don’t know why I have distanced myself from him. But I feel this longing to be close to God again. I feel this longing to rest in his arms again. I’m not a perfect person and I never claim to be. But this is something that I’m truly longing for. I can’t blame anyone for my relationship with God but myself. I’m trying to get me together and grow my relationship with God. I long for the father and I know that he has never left me but I who has left him.