Struggling thru the storm:

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I’m struggling right now. I’m not going to lie I can’t see the positive right now. I have so much to be thankful for I get that. But when you feel like so much is going wrong at the moment it’s hard to keep a smile on your face. I have so many people texting and calling me about jobs they are getting, or a new house, etc. And I honestly don’t want to answer the phone or text messages. While I am truly happy for them, I don’t feel like the sun is shining in my life right now. I see the good in my life I truly do but right now when there are things that you need and you pray about it and wait. Well, I’m still waiting. I know that God moves on his time not our time but this is hard right now. Going home last week took my mind off a lot of things but it only furthered reminded me of what I don’t have. I know that I should take the focus off of my situation which I have, but when you wake up it’s still there. I’m trying to focus on something besides my problem but it never seems to work for long. I know that problems don’t last always, but right now I feel like I don’t have a solution to my problem.

Wedding season:

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The wedding season is always joyful and exciting, but the wedding day is only for one day. The marriage lasts longer I hope. I had a conversation with a friend of mine about her wanting to get married again. And I asked her what she would do differently and she said that she would have a bigger wedding. If she could have seen my face at that moment. A bigger wedding I asked? You have done this once before and you would want a bigger wedding? And she said yeah why what’s the problem? I said to her the wedding is never the problem it’s what comes after the wedding that is the issue. Whatever problems you have had before the big day you will still have those problems afterward. It’s okay to dream about the wedding day, but if you have done this before to me that wouldn’t be important anymore. I want a marriage that is built on a strong foundation not on how much money I can spend on one day. I want a marriage where we talk about our problems, a marriage where we talk about our goals and what we want this marriage to be. I wish more people would look at the afterward of the marriage instead of one day. That one day is magical, yes but marriage is more than just one day. How are you going to make it work and last after that day? You spend so much time planning this one day, that I hope you take that same amount of time and energy and put it into making your marriage the best it can be. I told my friend all of this and she told me she honestly hasn’t thought about it this way. Maybe that’s the problem with marriages we don’t plan for them after.

Family:

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Last weekend I went home to see my family. It has been two since I have been back home. It was good to see family and friends, but being home reminds me of the person that I use to be and don’t want to be anymore. The memories of all that I have been through and what it took to overcome so many things came back to my mind. But more importantly, it reminded me of how strong I am and how I can overcome anything. This weekend was full of laughs and love. To see my mom and kids again was everything. To be able to hug my grandparents and great uncle was the best. But for me seeing people that I didn’t get along with and who broke me down. But being able to hold my head up and still smile was wonderful. They say home is where the heart is, but I feel like home will always be with you no matter where you are. This weekend has shown me that I miss my family, my sister, and my brother. I miss being with them. But I see my mom and kids often, but I miss having everyone together at the same time. I need to make more time for my family.

How are you?:

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There has been so much going on since the last time that I had blogged. My life has had some ups and downs. But in the end, I’m still staying strong. Death has come upon my life, people leaving my life, and more than that me doubting myself through this whole transition. Life can be a lot at times and I have always been that person to be strong for everyone. Encourage everyone and make sure that everyone is doing great. But yet I have neglected to make sure that I’m doing okay. I haven’t checked in with me to see how I can help myself. I worry about others too often and I seem to lack checking in on myself. This is so important I can’t stress it enough. Please check in on yourself and make sure that you’re okay. It’s good to make sure that others are good but you need to take care of yourself also. I’m trying to understand certain events in my life and how to change or make them better. I’m trying to be more positive when it comes to my self-talk. It’s not always easy and now with so much going on it’s even harder. Life seems to throw a lot at you at once to where it can knock you down. I refuse to be knocked down. So I want to know how are you doing today?

The storm:

We have all been through a storm before. Some storms are small and some storms are huge. Some storms can destroy everything and leave us devastated. But in our own lives we go through many storms. But one thing we always have to remember is that storms only last for a short while. The sun will always shine again. You might have lost something but you will get more back then what you have lost. Life has a funny way of making us realize that whatever you go through. You always come out stronger and better. I have been through some storms in my life lately. But I can tell you that I’m better than before. It’s who you surround yourself with during this storm. It’s how you handle the storm when you’re going through it. Storms don’t last always but we do.

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What’s your worth?:

Why is it that we can work a job and the employer can tell you how much your worth. But you can’t can see your own value? Oh yes please understand I’m talking to myself also. We can search for value and significance in others but not ourselves? Why is it? Do we not see ourselves as important, valuable? Do we not see ourselves as someone who brings something to the table? What is your worth? More importantly how do you see yourself? How loved are you from yourself? How much time do you spend building yourself up? Do you take the time to work on the hard areas in your life? Our are you to busy? How about working on your past to make your future better? Yet again I ask you your worth? It’s not about others opinion of you. It’s your opinion of you that holds value. So how much are you worth?

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Same season:

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Thank you everyone for the anniversary love. We greatly appreciate it. As life takes us on adventures I find myself in a season that I have been in before. I have always felt that seasons are learning lessons for the person that is going through them. But I’m starting to wonder if this lesson is teaching me that I need to let go? I have been here before but a different year and things were different. But this season that is replaying in my life had me in tears daily and well it taught me some very hard valuable lessons. But now I feel like the season is teaching me to let go because it’s not about me anymore. Sometimes in your life, you have to let people go so that they can stand on their own two feet. You have to let them grow, make mistakes, and learn valuable lessons. As hard as letting go is for me I find it peaceful in this season. I have to trust God and the process. I have to understand that it’s bigger than me. I have understood that the seed has been planted and watered. I am ready to see what my harvest is about to produce. This season is like another I have been in but I know that this season will be better than what I have been in before.

Marriage Journey: Part 4

One thing that I have learned about being married for almost 11 years is this. 

  1. I have someone who wants to do this marriage with me and isn’t giving up.
  2. I have someone who works as hard as me to make sure that this marriage succeeds.
  3. I have someone who encourages me and prays with and for me.
  4. I have someone who asks me how I’m doing and want to make sure that I’m good.
  5. I have someone who feels like having self-care time is important for our marriage.
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We don’t do marriage just to say that we are married we take this seriously. I use to want to model my marriage after some friends but they are not us and they are no longer married. We put in time which is important for a lasting marriage. We talk about the things that are bothering us and how to improve our marriage. One thing that I have learned about being married from some friends is getting someone who really wants to be married and your marriage will be better. What I mean is that many women put pressure on men to have the wedding of their dreams but not the marriage of their dreams. Which are two different things. I got a man who was ready for marriage where I wasn’t so ready. My parents divorced when I was 7 and trust me when I say that it’s something that I never want to experience. But my fear went away when I have seen how much my husband was really wanting this with me. But more importantly, what I have learned from other couples is that you do your marriage your way not someone else’s way. Don’t have everyone in your marriage keep things to yourself. Don’t tell everyone your marriage problems if you’re not seeking advice and not a petty gossip session. Your marriage can and will be successful when you put in the work.

Marriage Journey: Part 3

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My husband is a man I have never known before. I mean he is patient with me, cares for me, and supports me. From the first time that I met my husband, he has made me feel safe. He has supported and encouraged my dreams. While also easing my fears. I’m used to cheating, lying, abuse and mistrust from other relationships. I haven’t experienced any of this with my husband. I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship when I met him. But one thing that I discovered is the fact that he is the opposite of anyone I have ever dated before. My husband is someone who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. He always wants to understand all things about me. He wants to make sure that I feel secure and loved. I never had anyone want to know my hopes and dreams. I never met anyone who wanted to be a part of my dreams and help make them come true. I’m lucky to have my best friend as my husband. He makes me laugh and wants to be his best wife. Marriage wasn’t on my to-do list. I didn’t want to deal with all the pain that comes from some of the marriages that I saw before. But what I had to realize is that not all marriages are the same. You have to make your marriage the best for you. My marriage isn’t perfect but I’m enjoying it and loving who I’m doing life with.