I’m learning more than ever that I need to protect my peace. I have let people get to me to a point where my peace isn’t protected. As I look back on last week it has been one of the most stressful weeks in a long time. I have been unappreciated, overlooked, and taken for granted. All while I’m doing the things that I need to do for others. I had to truly ask myself is this stress and anger worth all this? And the answer was no. I honestly never thought my daughter and I would butt heads so much. I’m a very easy-going parent and I feel like maybe that can be the issue. In life, we all have to make decisions that are best for us. And I decide to protect my peace at all costs. We have found ways to compromise but in the end, it’s time for me to be selfish. I’m taking back my peace.
It’s crazy to expect people to be who you think that they should be. This week was a great learning lesson for me. Tuesday I started having these weird chest pains while cooking. The pains didn’t go away so I called my cardiologist and I was scheduled for an EKG the next day. But during that night I didn’t feel myself and instead of getting some type of empathy for my husband. It’s like he wanted to pick an argument and I wasn’t happy about that at all. Then on Wednesday, I had my EKG done, and when it was done I let my kids know that I had to get an EKG done. And the next day not one of my kids called or even asked about how I was feeling. My daughter who lives at home with me didn’t even ask. She was just worried about what she wanted to do but not me. When I tell you how much that hurt me. I felt like okay I’m not understanding this at all. I got so many what I felt like were excuses from my kids and then on top of that, I told my husband what I felt like was lacking in our marriage. And it felt like he couldn’t understand where I was coming from. When you having a conversation with someone it’s rude to constantly be on your phone. It’s like when we do stuff he’s always on his phone. How hard is it to put your phone down and pay some attention to your wife? I’m not really in a good space right now. It just feels like a lack of respect and concern for me when it comes to my husband and kids. My EKG came back normal but my doctor is still concerned. Thank you for letting me vent.
As you know I’m an empty nester. Well not really because my daughter still lives at home while going to college online. I’m glad that her college is doing an online course only. But right now I feel confused about where our relationship is going right now. My daughter is a young adult and she has a lot of freedom. But right now I feel like her freedom is going to the extreme. On Sunday I was so mad at her because my husband and I offered to help her out with her parking but she said she had homework due. But yet she went out with her friends. I don’t mind her hanging out with her friends. Okay yes, I do with Covid going on. But I never had an issue with her going places and doing things. But here is my issue with her newfound freedom. I don’t want her grades to slip and I don’t want her to lose focus on her goals. On her off days from work, she hangs out with her friends. My daughter wants to be a doctor and she will be in school for a while. I’m just concerned that by always hanging out she will lose focus. Maybe I’m having a hard time with my baby being a young adult. I’m not sure where this balance is going to come from. At her age, I already had a kid and I wasn’t able to go to college. I’m trying to protect her but I know that I have to let her go and grow up on her own. This is where I’m struggling right now. Any advice for me?
I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read my blogs. Thank you for your comments and encouragement. I love the fact that I have such a great community of bloggers. Sometimes when I’m having a hard day my face lights up when I see your comments or even your post. Thank you for making my day a little bit brighter. I hope I make your day better as well. Thank you again for letting me write my truth and thoughts. Thank you all for being awesome.
I listen to a sermon today it was about being all in. And it made me think about a lot of things. What am I all in and what am I not all in? I’m all in when it comes to my marriage. Just learning and growing with one another has made me appreciate who I have in my life. I’m all in when it comes to being a mother and also when it comes to my friendships. But one thing I don’t seem to be all in about is my writing. I seem to doubt myself and read other people’s work and I just stop writing. But I know what I have to offer when it comes to my writing so why am I not all in? That is a question that I don’t have an answer for. I know that I have a story to tell and I know that the story that I have to tell will help and bless someone. I haven’t written since my friend passed away. I know that this isn’t an excuse, but I have to be all-in when it comes to what I’m passionate about. So what’s your all in?
Two more months and 2021 will be here. Dealing with 2020 had my emotions and anxiety on high. Now COVID is up in Texas and they are still opening things up. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around this. So now people who are on unemployment have to look for work again. Did I remind you that COVID is rising rapidly in my state and city? But what I don’t understand is why are we still putting people at risk? Why are we okay with the rising numbers and nothing is being done about it? I’m not going to lie this has me on edge. But I’m not the politicians. I hope they know what they are doing. People still go into stores without a mask. People still act like this virus is no big deal. To many people who don’t care about other people’s lives. It’s sad to me. People please be safe and think of others and not just yourself.
Yesterday was an exciting day for me. It was my daughter’s first time voting. Early voting started for Texas on Tuesday. We waited for Wednesday to go because the lines on Tuesday was crazy. The line where we voted wasn’t long at all. We waited for about 20 minutes in line. It was an important moment for me because this is your right and you have nothing to complain about if you don’t exercise your right to vote. And she was excited to be able to vote. But seeing the excitement in her eyes was amazing. Most young adults could care less about voting and things like that, but she was serious about her right to vote. Please go out and vote it’s your right.
My prayer for God to work on me from the inside out was because I wanted to be the best me possible. I have always let my past hold me, hostage because I felt like I was repeating the same type of people. But my problem was that I was trying to compare my past with my future. I had to stop and heal from my past and understand some things about myself. I wanted to be the best version of me possible and I felt like I wasn’t giving my all to any relationship because my guard was too high up. I wanted to get out of my way and out of my feelings and see what my life could look like. And to be honest, since praying that prayer my life has been changing for the better. No, it didn’t happen all at once but it did happen. I’m not done growing and changing but I’m a better person because of this prayer. I have learned a lot about myself and what I felt about me. But more importantly, I have changed how I look and treat my relationships. I’m more invested and have a real sense of joy. Trust me I’m still a work in progress my change is what I needed to move forward with my life. There is nothing wrong with change but change for the right reasons. Change to make you better not to stay or keep someone. My change has made me a lot closer to the people I care the most about.
As the seasons are changing I’m changing also. I have prayed this prayer probably since the beginning of this year that God would change me from the inside out. It’s so easy to change who you are from the outside, but changing who you are from the inside is something completely different. Let me explain why I prayed this prayer. I’m a feeling person and I go off of my feelings a lot. Especially when I’m mad or just don’t want to be bothered. And we all know that going off of your feelings isn’t 100% accurate. I might have felt one way about what someone said or did to me and could be completely wrong about their intentions. But I wouldn’t change my mind based on my feelings. Now don’t get me wrong my feelings have been right a lot of times, but I don’t always want to allow my feelings to guide me. I want to be guided by more than just feelings. I want to love and not have to base it on whether or not you hurt me. I want unconditional love always. I want to be able to know that you mean what you say and not base it off on what I think you should be doing. I’m very selfish when it comes to my feelings because I don’t always give people the benefit of the doubt. I accuse without wanting the full story. I think I know so there for my feelings are correct. But they are not. My prayer is for God to work on me from the inside because I know that I’m more than just my feelings. I know that I want to love, respect, and trust people. I know that there is no perfect person and I shouldn’t act like I’m a judge and juror when it comes to people and their mistakes. I wanted to be able to understand things without my feelings being involved why things are the why they are. I’m growing in ways you just can’t imagine. I will have more on this topic tomorrow.
I hope everyone’s weekend was amazing. Mines was truly amazing. Watching movies and hanging out with the hubby is always nice. And it got me to thinking about life and marriage. We get married because we want to spend forever with someone. And we also see this person as our best friend. But yet I notice couples who don’t like spending time with each other. I’m talking about before COVID started. I have always enjoyed spending time with my husband. I don’t always enjoy his driving but that’s another blog post. Why do we say that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but you don’t like to do things with? I must say that a couple that I know they only go to church together and family functions. Other than that they do things separately. I asked her why is this, and she told me she doesn’t like his interest. I don’t like all my husband’s interests but I do like spending time with him. I’ve learned to appreciate the things that he likes. I can go to the book store and I know my husband would rather be somewhere else but he doesn’t nag me about going. He knows that this is one of my happy places and he likes seeing me happy. I told her here is a thought how about you just go and see why he enjoys these activities. And she did and now she enjoys some of the things that he likes. You never know what you like and don’t like it if you never try. You can discover so much from each other. I’ve learned that just because I don’t necessarily like some of the things that my husband does doesn’t mean that I can’t hang with him. I can bring a book or journal while he is taking pictures or whatever. I now have a deeper connection with my husband because we both like to hang with each other, even if we don’t enjoy the other’s activities.