As I am taking this time for myself this year. I have noticed that my marriage has grown in ways that I didn’t expect. Or maybe I should say that I have grown in my marriage. I have learned that my husband is truly someone who cares deeply for me. He doesn’t just tell me, but he shows me daily. I wasn’t used to someone wanting the best for me. I wasn’t used to someone who was mature enough for a relationship and all that comes with it. But my husband has shown me that no matter what you go through if you are not friends first, then that relationship might not be right. I say this because I was in a relationship that the person and I weren’t friends. And it didn’t last and there was no trust in it for me. But being his friend first showed me what trust and true friendship looked like. And to this day I don’t take that for granted. I have truly grown in my role as a wife and I feel more comfortable in it. Sounds crazy because we have been married for 11 years. I have witnessed marriages built on everything but friendship. Some people get married because they don’t want to be alone, but can’t stand the person. Some people get married because of the money, thinking that will make the marriage good. Some get married as a business arrangement. But if you can’t be friends then it can’t move on from there. One thing about us is that we value and cherish our friendship.
Have you ever felt like the weight of the world was on you? Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? That’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. No matter how many jobs that I apply to it’s a rejection either they don’t respond, say I’m overqualified or don’t meet all of their skill sets. I feel hopeless. I’m like there are so many companies that claim that they are hiring and you don’t want to hire people who are qualified. I applied for a job that I had done before for years and they told me that I was overqualified. One company told me that the money that they are paying might be too low for the job for me. If it was too low I wouldn’t have applied!!!!!!!! I’m not on unemployment and we are living off of my husband’s salary. But let me tell you every time I pay a bill that account gets lower and lower. So tell me how are people supposed to live when you apply but can’t get the job???? And trust me I have applied everywhere. I’m not in a good space today, but I know that tomorrow is another day. I’m just really fed up, to be honest. Rejection over and over again is so hard to take.
I feel like I need a time out or a pause in life. Or maybe I don’t because isn’t that what 2020 and 2021 were for? I feel like I’m in this funk or routine of doing the same thing and getting the same results. Is there a way to separate from me? Of course not. I just feel like some things have to change and get better. Not only for me but for the world. I wish I could make the pandemic go away. I feel stuck and trying to move to something else just feels bland. The more I try to make sense of my life the more confused I feel. I know that there are people out there that are still jobless, want to be in a relationship, and just want things back to normal. I was talking to a friend of mines who is single and she was like being alone during this pandemic is not easy. I told her being with someone during this pandemic hasn’t been easy either. I just feel like a caged bird that is ready to fly again. One day this will all make sense.
This year I’m shedding dead weight. I’m leaving behind the things that don’t bring me joy. I’m leaving behind friends who I thought were friends. I’m leaving behind the shame and disappointment that I have placed on myself. I’m leaving behind trying to do it all on my own. I’m leaving behind disappointment and hurt. One thing about me is that I will carry someone else’s burden around me all the time. It’s not my burden so why am I caring about it? Because I care about the people who are in my inner circle. But one thing that I noticed is that there are some people who won’t carry around your burden. They barely call or text you, but when they are going through something you are the first one they call. Hello, 2022 Colleen is putting herself in a position to win and heal. No more will I be more to people than they are to me. No more will I go out of my way for some. I’m leaving the dead weight that has held me down for years in the past. My focus is firmly on me. I haven’t put myself first ever. There is a first time for everything. 2022 is a year of letting go and becoming better than before.
I went back and forth with myself about blogging this. I got my booster shot on Monday. And I felt fine on Monday, then around 1 pm I began to feel tired so I went and took a nap. When I woke up I felt like I didn’t have any energy at all. I kept sleeping then I started getting hot. And not just any hot. I felt like my body was on fire. By the time my husband got to bed, I was burning up. He put his cold feet on my feet and it felt like someone threw ice-cold water on me. I had never felt this way in my life. That night I got 2 hours of sleep. I was so dehydrated. I finally got up and got some bottled water. I went from being on fire to feeling like someone had thrown ice-cold water on me. The next day I was so exhausted. I had to take a shower because my clothes were soaking wet. I had no appetite at all. I pretty much slept all day. Today I’m much better but my energy level is still low. I don’t know who has gotten the booster. But if you did, did you feel like this? I had no pain at all. Just the chills then hot. I was also tired and not hungry at all.
My word for this year is healing. I started working on it last year, but something always came up. My healing to a back seat to what I felt like was more important. And then it all came crumbling down. I couldn’t push my healing to the side anymore. So I dug in deep and found a therapist and started doing the work. I have things that I need to forgive and let go of. I have things that need some serious attention. But it feels good to finally be doing the work. I’m sticking with it this year. Nothing is going to be so important that I don’t work on myself. I have taken care of others and made sure they were good. Now it’s my time to do the same for myself. I haven’t written anything this year regarding my book. I only blog right now. I’m reading books that will help me be a better me and some just for entertainment. Self-love, self-care, and healing are all important to me right now. It’s time to be the best me possible in 2022.
New Year new me. I have so many things that I want to accomplish this year. Last year was pretty well, we all know about last year. I have so many things that I want to accomplish this year. So many goals that I want to accomplish. But one thing that I will keep doing is working on myself. No matter if no goals are accomplished at least this year will have been worth it for me. I need to take care of myself. So just know that if you don’t see my post as much I’m working on me or any other goals that I have going on. I hope that everyone how has made goals this year will accomplish them and more. I hope that 2022 is the best year not only for me but for you as well. Here’s to an amazing year.
My favorite books of 2021:
- Overcoming: By Natasha Ickes-Saman
- What happened to you: By Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey
- You are your best thing: By Tarana Burke and Brene Brown
- My Dear Hamilton: By Stephanie Dray and Laura Kamoie
- Never let go: By Chevy Stevens
- Just as I am: By Cicely Tyson
What were your favorite books of 2021?
Well, this will be my last post for the year. Let’s recap 2021, shall we? We all have been dealing with this pandemic and so many people have died from it. I’m not gonna lie this pandemic had me depressed for a while. It just felt like nothing was going to change. But this pandemic has been a blessing in disguise because it has helped me focus on myself and to start my healing process. The job search was very overwhelming. So many people claimed to be hiring just to hear that you are overqualified it left me hurt and wondering if people were really looking to hire. Then once I got a job it didn’t turn out to be what I hoped it would be. Never will I be okay with the lack of respect just so that I can say I have a job. So I have been jobless ever since. I’m not giving up hope that I will get one. I’m just over the email saying overqualified and we need someone with more experience. Not only that I have two new grandchildren. I can’t believe that I’m a Gigi, this has taken a whole new level for love. My daughter’s birthday was Sunday and it’s crazy to think that all my children are in their 20’s. There was so much that I was hoping to accomplish this year that didn’t even happen. But I’m grateful for what has happened. I’m grateful that I found an amazing counselor who is helping me work on myself. I’m growing and understanding myself more. I have so many things that I want to accomplish and I know that they will happen. I have to be okay with where I am at and look at this as a blessing. I’m greater is coming and I claim that. I hope your 2021 was good and that your 2022 will be even better. Have a safe and Happy Holiday season and a beautiful New Year.
One thing that I have noticed about life is when someone is hurt by you. They don’t have a problem telling you how they feel about you. Why do we wait until we have anger in our hearts to lash out at people? It hurt me when someone said that they felt like I want to do anything great. The person who said it is someone that I’m truly close to. But for them to feel like I’m not going to succeed at anything changed the course of how I view people. But I can show people better than I can tell them. And at that moment it made me pause and think about if I have ever hurt anyone that way before? I probably have, but I never want anyone to feel low because I’m angry in the moment. We should always be honest with people and not just when we are angry with people. I’m learning to control my words and never hurt anyone the way that I was hurt. Words have so much power but don’t give them power.