Releasing the pain:

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I honestly feel like I have had so much weight lifted off of my shoulders. I’m very low key when it comes to my feelings. You may say that’s not true because I write how I feel, yes I do but I keep a lot of my feelings inside. Because I don’t like judgment or criticism. But yesterday I felt compelled to speak my heart with my husband and tell him all that I have been feeling. A part of me was fearful that he wouldn’t understand and just look at me differently. But he didn’t he totally understood and supported me and even said that we should talk like this more. WOW, a huge weight dropped at that moment. I’ve always had to be strong and keep my feelings to myself. I mean things that have truly hurt me from my past that has nothing to do with my husband. And there are things that I’m trying to learn and understand to help me move forward and be the wife that I want to be. It was encouraging that when I told him I wanted to go to counseling he was in agreement. I don’t know why I was so afraid to open up to my husband. He knows about my past but he doesn’t know how it’s still bothering me. This is one step in my journey of being a better me and having the time to journal, think, pray and have open honest conversations.

Past:

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I use to feel so unlovable. I have been in relationships where I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I use to think that everything was my fault. No matter how much I loved this person or did for them it never got any better. But that’s because I never loved myself. I never knew at that time what it meant to truly love yourself until I had my first child. He taught me the true meaning of unconditional love and how not to let people treat you anyway. I still let people treat me any way, but I learned how to come out of my shell and protect myself and the ones that I loved. It was hard to talk about for the longest because I was so ashamed until I realized that I wasn’t the only one going through this. Now I know what unconditional love looks like and I will never take that for granted. I’m learning to value myself and love me more. I’ve always been ashamed to let people into my past but it’s my past for a reason. I’m still learning and growing.

Regret

I’m living in regret
What more can I say
I’m living in regret
It’s just not the right way
Tired of looking at my past
I’m living in regret
What a way to waste a life
I’m living in regret
I try not to cry at night
I’m living in regret
This is not a way to live
I’m living in regret
My grave I’m ready to dig