Is the past really over:?

Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

Is my past truly behind me? And the answer to that question is no. Interestingly, what I need from my husband is to feel needed, loved, and wanted. Don’t get me wrong he does all that, but I need more of it. I need the verbal aspect of this because when growing up I never got to see my dad. He would make promises to come and see me during the summer and never show up. Then I get into a relationship during my high school years that was verbal, physical, and mentally abusive. There was so much cheating and that followed me through several other relationships. At least I didn’t have to ask the people that I was with how they felt about me because they showed me all the time. Yes, they gave me the verbal as well, but my husband is very different. There is no cheating or abuse but my husband isn’t as verbal as I want him to be with me. And right now I need more validation than I thought that I would need. We all go through different seasons in our marriage and this is my season. And I had to think back to my past and realize that I haven’t let the past relationships go because I have been wondering when my husband was going to do these things to me. And in the 12 years, we have been together and 11 years married he hasn’t done any of this to me. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know how to react and handle that situation. But when someone treats you well and makes sure that you were good, I don’t really know how to handle this in my life. But I have to let my past be my past and understand that we all need someone good in our lives. No, my husband is not perfect but he is perfect for me. He’s not Mr. Touchy feelie but I understand the man he is and what he is to me. I have to move past my past and appreciate who I have and what he brings to my life. It’s time for the past to stay where it is and that’s the past.

Releasing the pain:

Photo by Philip Barwikowski on Pexels.com

I honestly feel like I have had so much weight lifted off of my shoulders. I’m very low key when it comes to my feelings. You may say that’s not true because I write how I feel, yes I do but I keep a lot of my feelings inside. Because I don’t like judgment or criticism. But yesterday I felt compelled to speak my heart with my husband and tell him all that I have been feeling. A part of me was fearful that he wouldn’t understand and just look at me differently. But he didn’t he totally understood and supported me and even said that we should talk like this more. WOW, a huge weight dropped at that moment. I’ve always had to be strong and keep my feelings to myself. I mean things that have truly hurt me from my past that has nothing to do with my husband. And there are things that I’m trying to learn and understand to help me move forward and be the wife that I want to be. It was encouraging that when I told him I wanted to go to counseling he was in agreement. I don’t know why I was so afraid to open up to my husband. He knows about my past but he doesn’t know how it’s still bothering me. This is one step in my journey of being a better me and having the time to journal, think, pray and have open honest conversations.

Past:

Photo by Tyler Lastovich on Pexels.com

I use to feel so unlovable. I have been in relationships where I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I use to think that everything was my fault. No matter how much I loved this person or did for them it never got any better. But that’s because I never loved myself. I never knew at that time what it meant to truly love yourself until I had my first child. He taught me the true meaning of unconditional love and how not to let people treat you anyway. I still let people treat me any way, but I learned how to come out of my shell and protect myself and the ones that I loved. It was hard to talk about for the longest because I was so ashamed until I realized that I wasn’t the only one going through this. Now I know what unconditional love looks like and I will never take that for granted. I’m learning to value myself and love me more. I’ve always been ashamed to let people into my past but it’s my past for a reason. I’m still learning and growing.

Regret

I’m living in regret
What more can I say
I’m living in regret
It’s just not the right way
Tired of looking at my past
I’m living in regret
What a way to waste a life
I’m living in regret
I try not to cry at night
I’m living in regret
This is not a way to live
I’m living in regret
My grave I’m ready to dig