It’s been hard trying to find the right words to say. It’s even harder to blog your feelings when your feelings are all over the place. It’s so much going on in the world right now. When will we stop seeing color and start seeing people as humans? God created us in his image and he loves us. But why don’t we love us? All of us? It doesn’t matter what your skin color is. Love is love and hate is hate. Both are taught actions. It hurts knowing that people don’t care about me but they see the color of my skin as something and someone who needs to die. It hurts when people of color have never been treated right. It hurts period when anyone of any color hurts. We have good and bad people of all colors. When will we stop killing and start loving one another? Life is way to short to keep doing the same thing and getting the same results.
Releasing the pain:
I honestly feel like I have had so much weight lifted off of my shoulders. I’m very low key when it comes to my feelings. You may say that’s not true because I write how I feel, yes I do but I keep a lot of my feelings inside. Because I don’t like judgment or criticism. But yesterday I felt compelled to speak my heart with my husband and tell him all that I have been feeling. A part of me was fearful that he wouldn’t understand and just look at me differently. But he didn’t he totally understood and supported me and even said that we should talk like this more. WOW, a huge weight dropped at that moment. I’ve always had to be strong and keep my feelings to myself. I mean things that have truly hurt me from my past that has nothing to do with my husband. And there are things that I’m trying to learn and understand to help me move forward and be the wife that I want to be. It was encouraging that when I told him I wanted to go to counseling he was in agreement. I don’t know why I was so afraid to open up to my husband. He knows about my past but he doesn’t know how it’s still bothering me. This is one step in my journey of being a better me and having the time to journal, think, pray and have open honest conversations.
I just want to give you an update regarding yesterday. So like I said I’ve had two mammograms done in my life before and there was no pain. But yesterday a mammogram was very painful along with the sonogram. What I don’t like is when they give you generic information. Okay, I’m glad that I don’t have cancer but why am I having so much pain? Well, I should find out later today hopefully. I’m thankful for the doctor who spoke to me after my sonogram but you need to work on your bedside manner. Not everyone who comes to get a mammogram has cancer. How do I know well the lady who was waiting on her sonogram with me told me that this is her second mammogram and sonogram this year because of a cyst and her breast tissue has damage. Don’t get me wrong I do have a family history of breast cancer and women who have dense breast tissue it’s harder to detect breast cancer. But why don’t they say if they found a cyst or anything else? I’m just frustrated right now and still in pain. Anyone else ever experiences anything like this before?
Betrayal can come in all types of forms. It can be a betrayal of a friend, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend or employer. I’ve never felt more hurt then I did with the company that I use to work for. How could I have put my trust in them, just to be betrayed? I worked for this company for almost two years and I felt like people where genuine, but it all changed when my co-worker got fired. It felt like certain people changed toward me. All along I felt like they understood me and cared for me. But in reality, they didn’t. As soon as I put in my two weeks’ notice the girl that they fired they asked her to come back. A true shocker to say the least. I don’t understand how you say we have a zero-tolerance policy workplace but then hire her back??? And the bad part about it was the fact that people thought that I didn’t know. Oh, they showered me with kind and loving words. But little did they know that I already knew. I was hurting but I never took it out on them. I came in and did my job and made sure everything was good before my last day. But the fact that no one had the respect to let me know told me all that I needed to know. You are easily replaceable. You’re not as important as you thought you were. I worked hard every day doing the right thing but only to be betrayed like this. It hurts but in the end, I know that I made the best decision for me. This a huge learning moment. There are people who I knew were genuine and only want the best for me. And then there are those who don’t really care. I don’t wish them ill will. I wish them much success. This moment has made me better. I’ve grown up a lot because I would never have had peace to be able to pray for them and wish them the best. I know that in the end, I will be okay. I’m glad to be growing and learning important life lessons.