This morning I had a heart to heart with my husband. I have been in some hurtful relationships. My husband and I will be married for 10 years in September and I haven’t been in a relationship like this. I’m used to verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. I’m used to cheating and lying. I’m used to disrespect and no love. It was an eye-opener. My husband is different and I have been expecting him to do these things to me. I have been waiting for what I’m used to but this relationship is different. I haven’t let my guard down. And at some point, I have to understand that my husband isn’t like these past men in my life. I have to let my guard down and understand that this relationship is different. I have to understand that my husband committed to me before we got married. He has always been teamed me. He has always had my back. He has always wanted the best for me. Now has he hurt me yes. But it’s never been like the relationships that I have been in before. I’m used to be so scared that one day I will have to go through the same thing again. But I haven’t and it’s time to move on. I understand that you will never have a perfect relationship, but one thing that I understand is that when you have someone who loves you with all your heart then they will make sure that they have your best interest at heart. It makes sense now to me. I have to let go of my past because I’m missing out on a great future. I’m glad that I have a great husband. He isn’t perfect by any means but he loves and treats me better than I am used to.
I’m reading this book and it is so enlightening for me personally. But there is this quote in the book that I want to share with you. ” Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control”. This quote hit me hard because this reminded me of how I felt and feel about my husband. When I really sit back and think about life I understand that when I met my husband was truly fate because I had just gotten out of a relationship that left me broken and not wanting to date or trust men ever again. This was crazy because we worked together on the same team but I didn’t notice him until one day when I looked up from my computer and was like who is this? He was just so different from anybody I had seen. He walked with confidence. We became friends and it felt like we had known each other all of our lives. But falling in love wasn’t in my sights but I did. And I fell hard for him. He was everything that I needed and wanted in my life. Sometimes we don’t really understand or look back to how we fell in love with our spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. But to be honest when I look back things just all fell in place and it was the easiest and the best friends that I had had in a very long time. We both had dreams and we both wanted the best for one another. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. We love to spend time with one another. Even if we are doing nothing we still have fun. I’m learning to have fun in love and truly listen to my spouse. Things are not always easy but I’m learning to do things better. My favorite time with my husband is pillow talk and cuddling. I’m learning to love without judging and to always be understanding of my spouse.
I still remember how I met my husband. I remember how much fun we use to have and all the times that we would look at each other and bust out laughing. We still enjoy having fun with one another and we still look at each other and just laugh. But something in me has changed since then. I still love him and want to be married to him. I guess for me a huge part of it is that I don’t want to be like my mom and go through a bitter divorce. It took my mom years before she got over my dad and what the divorce did to her. Growing up I had to see her go through depression and just not knowing how she could take care of me. I also heard how angry she was at not getting any help from my dad. My parents were just married for seven years. I’m going on ten years next month. I don’t want to mess this up. I want to get this thing called marriage right. It has been a journey and it hasn’t always been easy. There were times when I just wanted to quit and walk away. But when you are married to someone who truly cares about you and is your best friend it’s hard to give up. You may not always like what they do but it doesn’t mean that you have to give up on them. I didn’t get to see what marriage was really like one on one. Growing up in a single parent home didn’t make me want to be married because of the thought of divorce and how I could end up. But now I realize it’s not like that. There are times when divorce is an option because of how your being treated. I’m learning how to be a much better wife. I’m trying to get it right.
Marriage is hard for sure. And in marriage, I have made a lot of mistakes. I don’t always listen to my marriage. I don’t like to argue. I go to bed angry. It usually takes me a couple of days for me to talk to my husband when I’m angry. I don’t like to argue and my husband doesn’t either, but he wants the best for me. He wants to bring out the best in me. But I don’t always see it at the moment. I struggle with really listen to understand. I can’t stand a bunch of questions. My husband asks a lot of questions. Just to understand me more. He makes me angry with so many questions. There are times to be honest where I just wanted to give up and be like I’m done. But that’s the easy way out. Just because someone is getting on your nerves doesn’t mean that you give up on them. Since we are together all the time now. I feel like some days are harder than the other. But it’s about me and learning how to be honest and say what’s wrong with you? There are times where I’m dealing with something and I don’t share it with my husband. I just take it upon myself and keep it to myself. And I shouldn’t because why keep all that stress and burden on myself. I have a lot to learn about doing things well in my marriage. I feel like I’m failing in my marriage. It’s going to be 10 years next month and I feel like I haven’t gotten it right yet. I’m not good at marriage, but I’m learning to do better with my marriage. Am I the only one feeling this way?
If you know anything about me from writing on my blogs is that communication and I are not friends. But we are getting better. Well here is another issue that seems to be huge in my marriage and that is understanding. It may seem easy to understand where someone is coming from or someone else perspective. But for me, it’s not. I don’t ask a lot of questions about why people do what they do. I just let people be. But for my husband understanding is something that we argue about a lot. He feels like I don’t understand him and well I don’t. I do see why he ask certain questions and other times I’m irritated by all the questions. We are both extreme opposites. We are both laid back but I’m more go with the flow type of person. I don’t need to know everything to be okay with you. Your vibes will tell me if something is off. But for my husband, it’s totally different. He needs me to understand so that there won’t be so many disagreements and to help me understand him better. I get it but I don’t. I’m working on this as we speak. Somethings should be so cut and dry easy right? Well for me it’s not always that way. But as I have always said I’m learning.
Can we talk about marriage? So I know that a lot of you have heard about the Red table talk between Jada and Will. I have so much to say about this topic. I’ve been married for almost 10 years now. And like all marriages, we have had our ups and downs. But in no way have I ever felt like it was okay to test the waters outside of my marriage. Because truth be told I’m still married. It doesn’t matter whether we are having issues, separated or he is just getting on my nerves. It remains that I’m still married. Cheating is still cheating no matter what type of word you want to use like entanglement. I would be so hurt to be married to someone and we are having issues and my spouse cheats on me. That would be painful. They were talking about this guy needed help and they were there to help him, but what happened is that you now we’re in a full-blown relationship with someone who wasn’t your husband. To me, that doesn’t sit well with me. No matter how they joked about it being a bad marriage for life, marriage still needs to be taken seriously. I know that you all have a comment about this so please let me know what you think.
As I’m sitting here sipping on my tea I’m thinking back to a conversation that I had with a friend that is troubling me. I’ve been married for almost ten years now and I feel like flirting and just putting yourself in a situation that you shouldn’t when your married is wrong. So a friend of mine was talking to me about a mutual friend of ours who was in town recently. This mutual friend’s grandmother had passed away and he was here for the funeral. Well, my friend and our mutual friend still stay in touch. But she was telling me that he called her when he got to town and that they went and had lunch. So I stopped the conversation and asked her if she told her husband and she said yes. But I said did you tell him this friend was a male and she got quiet and asked me why should that matter? Well first off I wouldn’t want my husband to have a lunch date with the opposite sex and I not know. Because that just tells me your hiding something that you can’t be trusted. She was like it’s nothing like that they are just friends. But she goes on to let me know that the conversation turns toward them. They were talking about what it would have been like to date and what might be now if they did. Am I wrong for feeling that this is crossing the line? Why even let your mind wander about something like this? What difference does it make your married and he’s married. And second of all where was his wife in all this? Is this what people do in marriages? I just don’t get it. I’m not judging but I’m judging. Needless to say, she said that nothing happened it was only lunch. It scares me to think that people can’t be trusted. There are too many red flags in this situation. Maybe I’m just old fashion. What are your thoughts?
As COVID continues to rear its ugly head, I must admit being at home with my husband isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Who wants to be at home with someone 24/7? I mean I miss going places with my friends or just hanging by myself. But this COVID hit a little different for me. While I have read so many stories of couples divorcing or how they don’t like spending so much time together. Well, it has the opposite effect for me. When my husband and I were dating we sent a lot of time together. We truly loved being in each other’s company. Just laughing and enjoying ourselves. And then when we got married it was more about work and this and that. Yes, we spent time together but it seemed so hurried because you only have so much time to get things done. But it’s been nice spending a lazy Saturday just talking, watching movies or just listening to music. I had taken our relationship for granted. We spend more time at work then we do at home, but now it’s all changed. He works from home and I’m unemployed. But the time that we have together is bringing me closer to him. I just feel like we are young and in love all over again. Yes, it may sound silly but what brought us together is keeping us together. I wish more couples took the time to enjoy each other’s company right now. Because to be honest you may not get this chance again. I’m glad for the reconnection and new spark of love that is going on within me. Keep your marriage fresh and remember the simple things that you loved about each other.
Have you ever played the comparison game? Oh, I know that I have played it many times. I use to compare my marriage to my friend’s marriage. She was doing everything so perfectly. I mean they had laughter, love, they would talk things out, it just seemed so perfect. When I use to come to her about problems I was having in my marriage it was like she snubbed me. Like I wasn’t good enough to be in her married friend’s circle. So as time went on I just stopped talking to her which was fine with me. But then one day she called and all the cracks in her marriage began to become exposed. See she was trying to make it seem like they had it all together when they didn’t. She looked down on me because I was asking for advice and come to find out she was needing advice but didn’t want to ask. I told her that I looked up to her and her marriage, but the truth is instead of me looking at her and her marriage I should have been paying attention to my own. See this is my first marriage and I have grown up in a divorced household. I have heard my mom bash my dad and I was scared of marriage, to be honest. When you don’t hear anything positive about it from your mom it just made me feel numb, to be honest. I didn’t know what to do but I tried my best. Like I’ve always said I’m not the best communicator and that is where our problems lied. But when I took my eyes off of her and her marriage my marriage began to turn around. Instead of seeking her advice I prayed more, got into the bible more, talked to other women who were just like me, and read books to help me with my marriage. I stopped trying to compare myself with others or feel like I have to meet their expectations. To be honest, even if our marriages are good we are secretly dealing with something. I don’t mind when other married women come to me asking for advice. I’m here for you and want you to know you don’t have to be like anyone else. Start being like you and pray about it. Change comes when you make some changes about yourself. Let’s stop trying to have the perfect marriage like the next person when you don’t know the next person’s problems. How about you fix your marriage. Water your grass and see how green it can be. I had to make my marriage the best for us, not anyone else.
This weekend was truly wonderful. I see know that when you let go and let God have his way things will be so much better. I’m not the best communicator but this weekend my husband and I had a great time. I’m learning lessons like never before, but one lesson that I have learned is to not dwell on the past. Focus on what is now and in front of you. We dwell too much on the past or what the person is not doing, but we never take the time to see where this person is at right now. I’m on a journey of doing things better in my marriage. Too many people are quick to give up because we don’t want to be married anymore. I have felt like this before but the problem is not always your spouse, it’s you also. I’m working and learning how to do better. We decided early on that divorce was not an option, and it’s always easy to leave but it’s not easy to stay. So many people take the easy road. There is no sticking it out to work it out. We think that the next person will be better. Well, you have to be better before you can be better for someone else.