Marriage:

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For me to be the best me possible I noticed that one area in my life was lacking. That area is my marriage, and what I mean by that is that I don’t try to understand my husband. I don’t try to listen to understand him. Usually, when my husband comes to me I get an attitude that I don’t want to hear what he has to say. That’s mean I know and I hate that I do that to him. But the crazy part is that he told me so many people come to you and you listen to their problems or what they have going on. But when it comes to him I get an attitude and I don’t want to listen because I have been hearing people’s problems all day. That cut me deep because he was right and I didn’t treat them rudely. I had to learn what was more important and I’m trying to be more intentional when it comes to my husband and our time together. I thought that I was doing a great job in my marriage but I’m not. I had to understand that I was neglecting someone who always makes time for me. I was taking this person for granted for people who took me for granted. Working on myself also means being a better wife to my husband. I need to understand that his time and attention are very important. In my quest to be a better me I have to understand that I can’t neglect the people who care and make my life easier and better. I can’t be okay with not giving my husband my full attention. Marriage is not easy but I need to put more effort into making sure that I have time for my husband.

Is the past really over:?

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Is my past truly behind me? And the answer to that question is no. Interestingly, what I need from my husband is to feel needed, loved, and wanted. Don’t get me wrong he does all that, but I need more of it. I need the verbal aspect of this because when growing up I never got to see my dad. He would make promises to come and see me during the summer and never show up. Then I get into a relationship during my high school years that was verbal, physical, and mentally abusive. There was so much cheating and that followed me through several other relationships. At least I didn’t have to ask the people that I was with how they felt about me because they showed me all the time. Yes, they gave me the verbal as well, but my husband is very different. There is no cheating or abuse but my husband isn’t as verbal as I want him to be with me. And right now I need more validation than I thought that I would need. We all go through different seasons in our marriage and this is my season. And I had to think back to my past and realize that I haven’t let the past relationships go because I have been wondering when my husband was going to do these things to me. And in the 12 years, we have been together and 11 years married he hasn’t done any of this to me. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know how to react and handle that situation. But when someone treats you well and makes sure that you were good, I don’t really know how to handle this in my life. But I have to let my past be my past and understand that we all need someone good in our lives. No, my husband is not perfect but he is perfect for me. He’s not Mr. Touchy feelie but I understand the man he is and what he is to me. I have to move past my past and appreciate who I have and what he brings to my life. It’s time for the past to stay where it is and that’s the past.

Marriage lessons:

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Love is a wonderful thing to have when you have it from the right one. I must say that if you told me that the work my husband and I have put into our marriage and as individuals. That we would be a place that I never thought possible. I’m telling you that marriage is hard, it’s not for the weak at all. I have to say that we have come a long way and I enjoy all the work that we have put in and the results that we are getting in return. If you’re not growing in your marriage then what are you doing? I have noticed that so many people complain about what they want in marriage but never talk about it with their spouse. Or if they do talk about it with their spouse they feel like it’s supposed to happen overnight. Change can happen overnight but we must be patient. That is something that I had to learn the hard way. Change can and will happen but not when you want it to, but it will happen. The important thing to remember is that change will happen we just need to be patient. I have talked with many of felt like their marriage was over because they weren’t getting what they wanted from their spouse. But you have to understand that maybe your spouse isn’t getting what they need from you either. You have to talk about your wants and needs and really listen to each other. Some things can be more important than other things.

Wedding season:

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The wedding season is always joyful and exciting, but the wedding day is only for one day. The marriage lasts longer I hope. I had a conversation with a friend of mine about her wanting to get married again. And I asked her what she would do differently and she said that she would have a bigger wedding. If she could have seen my face at that moment. A bigger wedding I asked? You have done this once before and you would want a bigger wedding? And she said yeah why what’s the problem? I said to her the wedding is never the problem it’s what comes after the wedding that is the issue. Whatever problems you have had before the big day you will still have those problems afterward. It’s okay to dream about the wedding day, but if you have done this before to me that wouldn’t be important anymore. I want a marriage that is built on a strong foundation not on how much money I can spend on one day. I want a marriage where we talk about our problems, a marriage where we talk about our goals and what we want this marriage to be. I wish more people would look at the afterward of the marriage instead of one day. That one day is magical, yes but marriage is more than just one day. How are you going to make it work and last after that day? You spend so much time planning this one day, that I hope you take that same amount of time and energy and put it into making your marriage the best it can be. I told my friend all of this and she told me she honestly hasn’t thought about it this way. Maybe that’s the problem with marriages we don’t plan for them after.

Marriage Journey: Part 4

One thing that I have learned about being married for almost 11 years is this. 

  1. I have someone who wants to do this marriage with me and isn’t giving up.
  2. I have someone who works as hard as me to make sure that this marriage succeeds.
  3. I have someone who encourages me and prays with and for me.
  4. I have someone who asks me how I’m doing and want to make sure that I’m good.
  5. I have someone who feels like having self-care time is important for our marriage.
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We don’t do marriage just to say that we are married we take this seriously. I use to want to model my marriage after some friends but they are not us and they are no longer married. We put in time which is important for a lasting marriage. We talk about the things that are bothering us and how to improve our marriage. One thing that I have learned about being married from some friends is getting someone who really wants to be married and your marriage will be better. What I mean is that many women put pressure on men to have the wedding of their dreams but not the marriage of their dreams. Which are two different things. I got a man who was ready for marriage where I wasn’t so ready. My parents divorced when I was 7 and trust me when I say that it’s something that I never want to experience. But my fear went away when I have seen how much my husband was really wanting this with me. But more importantly, what I have learned from other couples is that you do your marriage your way not someone else’s way. Don’t have everyone in your marriage keep things to yourself. Don’t tell everyone your marriage problems if you’re not seeking advice and not a petty gossip session. Your marriage can and will be successful when you put in the work.

Marriage Journey: Part 3

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My husband is a man I have never known before. I mean he is patient with me, cares for me, and supports me. From the first time that I met my husband, he has made me feel safe. He has supported and encouraged my dreams. While also easing my fears. I’m used to cheating, lying, abuse and mistrust from other relationships. I haven’t experienced any of this with my husband. I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship when I met him. But one thing that I discovered is the fact that he is the opposite of anyone I have ever dated before. My husband is someone who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. He always wants to understand all things about me. He wants to make sure that I feel secure and loved. I never had anyone want to know my hopes and dreams. I never met anyone who wanted to be a part of my dreams and help make them come true. I’m lucky to have my best friend as my husband. He makes me laugh and wants to be his best wife. Marriage wasn’t on my to-do list. I didn’t want to deal with all the pain that comes from some of the marriages that I saw before. But what I had to realize is that not all marriages are the same. You have to make your marriage the best for you. My marriage isn’t perfect but I’m enjoying it and loving who I’m doing life with.

Marriage Journey:

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I can’t believe that on Saturday I will be married for 11 years. And this week I want to talk about my marriage journey. To be honest I never thought that we would make it this far. So when I met my husband I didn’t want to date anymore (well not for some years). It’s funny because when your not looking for someone that is when someone comes along. I was like really????? We became fast friends we spent so much time together that people started thinking that we were a couple. But as much as I was enjoying the friendship something that I have never experienced before happened. There was a serious connection with him. I mean a connection on a deeper level. Not a sexual connection because we were not having sex at that time. But we had a conversation like no other. The peace I found around him was crazy. I started, to think what, if……. But then I put that on the back burner because I thought about my most recent relationships and, I was nope nope nope, I’m good. But something about this man just kept drawing me in. We laughed all the time and talked about things that I didn’t even talk about with other men I was in a relationship with. I’m like this is different in a great way. He made me think about things that I hadn’t really given much thought to. We then went from friendship to relationship and that was amazing. I’m like I have never had a relationship like this before. When I tell you I felt like we had known each other for years. But even though things are all good with the relationship doesn’t mean it’s all good. Well, his mother didn’t like me. But if you have been with me from the beginning you know that she still doesn’t like me. But that became a thorn for our relationship and marriage. But come back tomorrow and I will tell you the rest of the story.

Tomorrow isn’t promised:

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I watched a funeral yesterday and it broke my heart. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my husband. I don’t know how I would be so calm and okay. I’m not saying that the wife was okay. But you could imagine that she was a peace with the passing of her husband. I know that I have faith but I don’t know if my faith would be strong enough to be at peace with the passing of my husband. I’m not going to sit here and say that my marriage is perfect because it’s not. It will be 11 years this month that I have been married to my husband. And each year get’s better and I appreciate him more than he will ever know. I’ve heard a lot of single people say that marriage looks easy. But honey it’s not, it’s work and the work isn’t easy. What you put into it is what you’re going to get out of it. But right now I can’t imagine a life without him. Sometimes we don’t truly understand how blessed we are until something happens. I make sure to tell my husband that I love him and show him daily. I never want him to question if I love him. Please appreciate what you have because one day they won’t be here. Love like there is no tomorrow.

Challenge:

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I believe it was two weeks ago I read a blog post that someone had written and it blew me away. This guy wrote about unrealistic expectations in his marriage. And the points that he made were amazing. But one of the main points that he made that stuck with me was that when you have high expectations there is no way that someone could reach these goals. I had to think if my expectations of my husband were too high? But he also pointed out that how often do you need these expectations met? How much or too little is enough? It had me thinking maybe I’m putting undue pressure on my husband. But the guy of the blog wrote that when his wife had no expectations of her husband how their marriage grew and how the things that she needed from him were meet more often. Okay, I’m like how is that possible because if he wasn’t doing it then what changes? So I made a challenge for myself to have no expectations of my husband and see how that will work. Well, let me tell you that since I’ve been doing this challenge how things have changed. And they have changed for the better. Since I have no expectations I’m not easily offended if something doesn’t get done. But the crazy part is that he is doing the things that I need and more. Why is that you ask? I’m not sure, to be honest. I told him about this last week and he was like really. I can’t explain it but if you don’t put pressure on yourself or your spouse it’s easier to relax and just enjoy one another. Crazy I know but it works.