As I’m sitting here sipping on my tea I’m thinking back to a conversation that I had with a friend that is troubling me. I’ve been married for almost ten years now and I feel like flirting and just putting yourself in a situation that you shouldn’t when your married is wrong. So a friend of mine was talking to me about a mutual friend of ours who was in town recently. This mutual friend’s grandmother had passed away and he was here for the funeral. Well, my friend and our mutual friend still stay in touch. But she was telling me that he called her when he got to town and that they went and had lunch. So I stopped the conversation and asked her if she told her husband and she said yes. But I said did you tell him this friend was a male and she got quiet and asked me why should that matter? Well first off I wouldn’t want my husband to have a lunch date with the opposite sex and I not know. Because that just tells me your hiding something that you can’t be trusted. She was like it’s nothing like that they are just friends. But she goes on to let me know that the conversation turns toward them. They were talking about what it would have been like to date and what might be now if they did. Am I wrong for feeling that this is crossing the line? Why even let your mind wander about something like this? What difference does it make your married and he’s married. And second of all where was his wife in all this? Is this what people do in marriages? I just don’t get it. I’m not judging but I’m judging. Needless to say, she said that nothing happened it was only lunch. It scares me to think that people can’t be trusted. There are too many red flags in this situation. Maybe I’m just old fashion. What are your thoughts?
As COVID continues to rear its ugly head, I must admit being at home with my husband isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Who wants to be at home with someone 24/7? I mean I miss going places with my friends or just hanging by myself. But this COVID hit a little different for me. While I have read so many stories of couples divorcing or how they don’t like spending so much time together. Well, it has the opposite effect for me. When my husband and I were dating we sent a lot of time together. We truly loved being in each other’s company. Just laughing and enjoying ourselves. And then when we got married it was more about work and this and that. Yes, we spent time together but it seemed so hurried because you only have so much time to get things done. But it’s been nice spending a lazy Saturday just talking, watching movies or just listening to music. I had taken our relationship for granted. We spend more time at work then we do at home, but now it’s all changed. He works from home and I’m unemployed. But the time that we have together is bringing me closer to him. I just feel like we are young and in love all over again. Yes, it may sound silly but what brought us together is keeping us together. I wish more couples took the time to enjoy each other’s company right now. Because to be honest you may not get this chance again. I’m glad for the reconnection and new spark of love that is going on within me. Keep your marriage fresh and remember the simple things that you loved about each other.
Have you ever played the comparison game? Oh, I know that I have played it many times. I use to compare my marriage to my friend’s marriage. She was doing everything so perfectly. I mean they had laughter, love, they would talk things out, it just seemed so perfect. When I use to come to her about problems I was having in my marriage it was like she snubbed me. Like I wasn’t good enough to be in her married friend’s circle. So as time went on I just stopped talking to her which was fine with me. But then one day she called and all the cracks in her marriage began to become exposed. See she was trying to make it seem like they had it all together when they didn’t. She looked down on me because I was asking for advice and come to find out she was needing advice but didn’t want to ask. I told her that I looked up to her and her marriage, but the truth is instead of me looking at her and her marriage I should have been paying attention to my own. See this is my first marriage and I have grown up in a divorced household. I have heard my mom bash my dad and I was scared of marriage, to be honest. When you don’t hear anything positive about it from your mom it just made me feel numb, to be honest. I didn’t know what to do but I tried my best. Like I’ve always said I’m not the best communicator and that is where our problems lied. But when I took my eyes off of her and her marriage my marriage began to turn around. Instead of seeking her advice I prayed more, got into the bible more, talked to other women who were just like me, and read books to help me with my marriage. I stopped trying to compare myself with others or feel like I have to meet their expectations. To be honest, even if our marriages are good we are secretly dealing with something. I don’t mind when other married women come to me asking for advice. I’m here for you and want you to know you don’t have to be like anyone else. Start being like you and pray about it. Change comes when you make some changes about yourself. Let’s stop trying to have the perfect marriage like the next person when you don’t know the next person’s problems. How about you fix your marriage. Water your grass and see how green it can be. I had to make my marriage the best for us, not anyone else.
This weekend was truly wonderful. I see know that when you let go and let God have his way things will be so much better. I’m not the best communicator but this weekend my husband and I had a great time. I’m learning lessons like never before, but one lesson that I have learned is to not dwell on the past. Focus on what is now and in front of you. We dwell too much on the past or what the person is not doing, but we never take the time to see where this person is at right now. I’m on a journey of doing things better in my marriage. Too many people are quick to give up because we don’t want to be married anymore. I have felt like this before but the problem is not always your spouse, it’s you also. I’m working and learning how to do better. We decided early on that divorce was not an option, and it’s always easy to leave but it’s not easy to stay. So many people take the easy road. There is no sticking it out to work it out. We think that the next person will be better. Well, you have to be better before you can be better for someone else.
Yesterday was an amazing day. So my husband and I go walking in the evenings and yesterday when we were walking back home he started holding my hand. I was about to say something, but I didn’t because I know that this isn’t his strong suit but I was smiling on the inside and out. I truly enjoyed the moment and he knew it too. Change doesn’t happen overnight but if you start to take baby steps then things will start to get better. We are not perfect and we are still learning each other and want our marriage to blossom. I’m going to keep doing great things to make my marriage work by doing work on myself. Yesterday was a great day and I want plenty more of those.
So I always want to practice what I preach. So for me, it’s how do I want to be treated? I’ve started treating my husband how I want to be treated. His love language is words of affirmation and gifts. So today I went and got him a toolset. He has been wanting and needing one but they are so expensive. But I got a good deal on a toolset and surprised him with it today. I love to show love through physical touch and doing things for others. My husband isn’t the mushy type of guy which is fine, so I have to do things that I know will speak to him. I love surprising my husband with gifts because the look on his face is priceless and it shows me how much he cares. My love language is acts of service and physical touch. If you wash dishes or give me hugs and kisses well I’m the happiest woman in the world. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. I’m not hard to please at all. I know that the only way that my marriage will improve is if I take the first steps to make it better. If you want your marriage to be better think of your spouse’s needs before your own. Trust my marriage is about two people, not one.
I dislike when people don’t take responsibility for there own actions. When it comes to any relationship what you are doing or not doing starts with you. If you don’t like something about your spouse/boyfriend then you should look at yourself first and not the other person. You could be the cause of your dislike. And then again it could be the other person. You can’t expect someone to read your mind about your wants and needs. Let them know what you want and need. Yes, it would be nice if they saw you crying that they would give you a hug or a shoulder to cry on. But if that doesn’t happen it doesn’t make that person a bad person. Maybe they have done that before and you responded negatively. Working on your issues and being the best person you can be will help make your relationship a lot better. How about if you want your spouse/boyfriend to be more respectful why don’t you start giving them respect. If you want your spouse/boyfriend to be more loving then show them, love. I get tired of people talking about what the other person is not doing. What about you what are you doing besides complaining? It all starts with you, if you be the change that you want to see in your relationship then things will get better. It’s not always the other person who needs to change but ourselves.
One thing that I’m learning is how to make me and my marriage better. It all starts with me because I’m the only person who can change me. But when I look back at the beginning with my husband the one thing that I miss the most is how close I use to be to him. What changed you might ask me. Change is always a good thing but when you don’t want to be close because you think he will be like the other guys in your relationship then why get married right? Well at the time that never crossed my mind. I had never been so close to a man before in the sense of letting down my guard and just being me. I told him my thoughts, fears, dreams, and all that. I let the wall down for him, why you might ask. Because he was so different from anyone that I had ever dated. He taught me to trust, love, and what true friendship means. So what happened to me is what happen. Every time we get into it I build that wall all over again. My husband hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him, but I’ve dated guys who have made me not trust them and now I’m allowing that to happen in my marriage. So yes I need to change. It was nice to talk to my husband about this, this morning and told him I want to be close with him again. And he asked me what is stopping me and I said me and my past. I need to let things go in my life and understand that not everyone is here to do you wrong. Life is a lesson and I’m slowly learning to do things better in my life.
I must admit I haven’t been giving my all to my marriage. Why you might ask? Because I’m afraid that my marriage will fail. I’m so used to people cheating, physical abuse and verbal abuse. But my husband is different right? Yes but he’s still a man. I have had a rough time in my life with men. From my father on and sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be loved or maybe I’m unloveable. It’s hard to explain but I’m realizing that I’m worth more than I think. So why not give my all to my marriage. If he fails me he fails me but at least I gave my all. I’m glad that I have this time to reflect on my life and make some much-needed changes. Life and marriage can be beautiful but you need to be all in. And I’m definitely all in.
I’m blessed to be a wife but what scares me is how to love. I mean I think I know how to love, but not really. I never had anyone to show me what love looked like toward a man. I’m a very affectionate person but as far as my heart goes well how do I know if I’m loving my husband the way he should be loved? I’ve had a lot of past hurts in my life so I have guarded my heart, but how do I know if I have opened up my heart enough to give him what he needs?