Let it go:

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Yesterday and today have been huge shockers for me. I never knew how much I needed to take this time to get myself together before something could happen. Yesterday I was talking to my best friend and we don’t talk every day but she told me that she had a heart attack at the beginning of this year. And not only that but a few people that I know had a heart attack this month. We are all the same age, went to the same school and I’m like what is going on? But I know what is going on it’s called life. We take on so many things that we don’t always know how to handle things when they come up. I had to realize that I can’t fix everyone’s problems but I can be a listening ear. Sometimes getting things off your chest can be very therapeutic. But not only that not taking the time to make sure you are good mentally, physically, and emotionally is extremely important. We only have one body and we need to take care of it as much as possible. Not only that but stress is a huge factor in a lot of people’s lives. We need to have healthier ways to deal with stress. I know for me walking, reading, and writing helps me so much when I need to release some stress. We have to get creative and we have to do things that make us the best us. This hit me hard because we are all in our earlier 40s. Me beginning this journey to truly work on myself this time has made a difference in my life. I hope that they all get better soon and heal. I have spoken to a few of them and told them some of the changes that I had made in my life and I hope that they make some of the necessary changes that they need to make as well. We need to learn to let things go, we can’t hang on to anger, fear, doubt, and stress. Find healthy ways to get you in a better space. Life is too short to have all this unnecessary weight on you.

My weekend:

My weekend was absolutely amazing. Words doesn’t do it any justice. My husband and daughter made me feel totally loved and cared about this weekend. We didn’t do anything fancy, but it was still amazing. I haven’t let anyone just love me in a way that they want to love me. I always felt like I needed to be loved a certain way.  But never gave them the benefit of the doubt. We all have different love languages and I needed love in my language. But what I realized is that we love differently and genuine love is the best love. Spending time laughing, talking and eating made my weekend. Im a simple woman I don’t need a lot to be happy. But this weekend was the best weekend in a long time and Im grateful for my husband and kids.

Pep talk for me:

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This year has been hard for me. I felt like I was doing everything right the best that I could. But it doesn’t seem like it now. I have been without a job since September of last year. That was a hard time for me. I felt worthless and like I didn’t have meaning. But I know now that a job doesn’t bring meaning to your life. But I thought that it did. I thought that I was a nobody because I didn’t have one. It was something hard for me to process. People have a way of making you feel like shit because of the things that you don’t have. But now that I have a job does that make me feel more worthy? Does it make me feel better about myself? I notice that at times I try to make myself feel better for others but not for myself. Not anymore because all the pain that I felt not having something is over. The fear of not living for someone else is over. I’m worthy and a job doesn’t define me.

Kindness:

I have noticed that a lot more people are struggling this year. So many people have died and others are taking their own lives. I have seen people divorce and separate like never before. We as people are so quick to judge and give our own opinion. But how about being kind to someone. How about being a listening ear. A shoulder to lean on. So many people are still out of work and just barely making it. Before we judge how about we speak kindness and not judge. How about we be someone safe space. We are all going through something but kindness can go a long way. Let’s make the world better with more kindness and less judgements.

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Friendship:

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As I am taking this time for myself this year. I have noticed that my marriage has grown in ways that I didn’t expect. Or maybe I should say that I have grown in my marriage. I have learned that my husband is truly someone who cares deeply for me. He doesn’t just tell me, but he shows me daily. I wasn’t used to someone wanting the best for me. I wasn’t used to someone who was mature enough for a relationship and all that comes with it. But my husband has shown me that no matter what you go through if you are not friends first, then that relationship might not be right. I say this because I was in a relationship that the person and I weren’t friends. And it didn’t last and there was no trust in it for me. But being his friend first showed me what trust and true friendship looked like. And to this day I don’t take that for granted. I have truly grown in my role as a wife and I feel more comfortable in it. Sounds crazy because we have been married for 11 years. I have witnessed marriages built on everything but friendship. Some people get married because they don’t want to be alone, but can’t stand the person. Some people get married because of the money, thinking that will make the marriage good. Some get married as a business arrangement. But if you can’t be friends then it can’t move on from there. One thing about us is that we value and cherish our friendship.

Wedding season:

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The wedding season is always joyful and exciting, but the wedding day is only for one day. The marriage lasts longer I hope. I had a conversation with a friend of mine about her wanting to get married again. And I asked her what she would do differently and she said that she would have a bigger wedding. If she could have seen my face at that moment. A bigger wedding I asked? You have done this once before and you would want a bigger wedding? And she said yeah why what’s the problem? I said to her the wedding is never the problem it’s what comes after the wedding that is the issue. Whatever problems you have had before the big day you will still have those problems afterward. It’s okay to dream about the wedding day, but if you have done this before to me that wouldn’t be important anymore. I want a marriage that is built on a strong foundation not on how much money I can spend on one day. I want a marriage where we talk about our problems, a marriage where we talk about our goals and what we want this marriage to be. I wish more people would look at the afterward of the marriage instead of one day. That one day is magical, yes but marriage is more than just one day. How are you going to make it work and last after that day? You spend so much time planning this one day, that I hope you take that same amount of time and energy and put it into making your marriage the best it can be. I told my friend all of this and she told me she honestly hasn’t thought about it this way. Maybe that’s the problem with marriages we don’t plan for them after.

What’s your worth?:

Why is it that we can work a job and the employer can tell you how much your worth. But you can’t can see your own value? Oh yes please understand I’m talking to myself also. We can search for value and significance in others but not ourselves? Why is it? Do we not see ourselves as important, valuable? Do we not see ourselves as someone who brings something to the table? What is your worth? More importantly how do you see yourself? How loved are you from yourself? How much time do you spend building yourself up? Do you take the time to work on the hard areas in your life? Our are you to busy? How about working on your past to make your future better? Yet again I ask you your worth? It’s not about others opinion of you. It’s your opinion of you that holds value. So how much are you worth?

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Tomorrow isn’t promised:

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I watched a funeral yesterday and it broke my heart. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my husband. I don’t know how I would be so calm and okay. I’m not saying that the wife was okay. But you could imagine that she was a peace with the passing of her husband. I know that I have faith but I don’t know if my faith would be strong enough to be at peace with the passing of my husband. I’m not going to sit here and say that my marriage is perfect because it’s not. It will be 11 years this month that I have been married to my husband. And each year get’s better and I appreciate him more than he will ever know. I’ve heard a lot of single people say that marriage looks easy. But honey it’s not, it’s work and the work isn’t easy. What you put into it is what you’re going to get out of it. But right now I can’t imagine a life without him. Sometimes we don’t truly understand how blessed we are until something happens. I make sure to tell my husband that I love him and show him daily. I never want him to question if I love him. Please appreciate what you have because one day they won’t be here. Love like there is no tomorrow.

Love story:

We all want that perfect love story. A happy ever after. But what if you’re love story looks like stress and mess? What if you’re spouse works every last nerve you have? Is there a perfect love story? What if you grew up in a home where there was divorce. And you never witness there love story? What if you try to model from your friends there love story? Would that work? Probably not because you’re not them. I have often wonder what a perfect love story would look like for me. But the more I dream it the less I can see it. Im a flawed women married to a flawed man. Lord knows there are things that I wish I could change about him. And I’m quite sure there are things he wished he could change about me. I have heard people say is a love story really worth it? I would like to say it is. But who am I? I haven’t even written my love story. Maybe they don’t exist but one could hope. Maybe some stories are not worth writing. Maybe some stories not worth telling. Maybe love is just meant to be kept inside. I don’t know. Maybe one day I will have a love story to tell.

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