Struggling thru the storm:

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I’m struggling right now. I’m not going to lie I can’t see the positive right now. I have so much to be thankful for I get that. But when you feel like so much is going wrong at the moment it’s hard to keep a smile on your face. I have so many people texting and calling me about jobs they are getting, or a new house, etc. And I honestly don’t want to answer the phone or text messages. While I am truly happy for them, I don’t feel like the sun is shining in my life right now. I see the good in my life I truly do but right now when there are things that you need and you pray about it and wait. Well, I’m still waiting. I know that God moves on his time not our time but this is hard right now. Going home last week took my mind off a lot of things but it only furthered reminded me of what I don’t have. I know that I should take the focus off of my situation which I have, but when you wake up it’s still there. I’m trying to focus on something besides my problem but it never seems to work for long. I know that problems don’t last always, but right now I feel like I don’t have a solution to my problem.

Family:

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Last weekend I went home to see my family. It has been two since I have been back home. It was good to see family and friends, but being home reminds me of the person that I use to be and don’t want to be anymore. The memories of all that I have been through and what it took to overcome so many things came back to my mind. But more importantly, it reminded me of how strong I am and how I can overcome anything. This weekend was full of laughs and love. To see my mom and kids again was everything. To be able to hug my grandparents and great uncle was the best. But for me seeing people that I didn’t get along with and who broke me down. But being able to hold my head up and still smile was wonderful. They say home is where the heart is, but I feel like home will always be with you no matter where you are. This weekend has shown me that I miss my family, my sister, and my brother. I miss being with them. But I see my mom and kids often, but I miss having everyone together at the same time. I need to make more time for my family.

How are you?:

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There has been so much going on since the last time that I had blogged. My life has had some ups and downs. But in the end, I’m still staying strong. Death has come upon my life, people leaving my life, and more than that me doubting myself through this whole transition. Life can be a lot at times and I have always been that person to be strong for everyone. Encourage everyone and make sure that everyone is doing great. But yet I have neglected to make sure that I’m doing okay. I haven’t checked in with me to see how I can help myself. I worry about others too often and I seem to lack checking in on myself. This is so important I can’t stress it enough. Please check in on yourself and make sure that you’re okay. It’s good to make sure that others are good but you need to take care of yourself also. I’m trying to understand certain events in my life and how to change or make them better. I’m trying to be more positive when it comes to my self-talk. It’s not always easy and now with so much going on it’s even harder. Life seems to throw a lot at you at once to where it can knock you down. I refuse to be knocked down. So I want to know how are you doing today?

The storm:

We have all been through a storm before. Some storms are small and some storms are huge. Some storms can destroy everything and leave us devastated. But in our own lives we go through many storms. But one thing we always have to remember is that storms only last for a short while. The sun will always shine again. You might have lost something but you will get more back then what you have lost. Life has a funny way of making us realize that whatever you go through. You always come out stronger and better. I have been through some storms in my life lately. But I can tell you that I’m better than before. It’s who you surround yourself with during this storm. It’s how you handle the storm when you’re going through it. Storms don’t last always but we do.

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What’s your worth?:

Why is it that we can work a job and the employer can tell you how much your worth. But you can’t can see your own value? Oh yes please understand I’m talking to myself also. We can search for value and significance in others but not ourselves? Why is it? Do we not see ourselves as important, valuable? Do we not see ourselves as someone who brings something to the table? What is your worth? More importantly how do you see yourself? How loved are you from yourself? How much time do you spend building yourself up? Do you take the time to work on the hard areas in your life? Our are you to busy? How about working on your past to make your future better? Yet again I ask you your worth? It’s not about others opinion of you. It’s your opinion of you that holds value. So how much are you worth?

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Same season:

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Thank you everyone for the anniversary love. We greatly appreciate it. As life takes us on adventures I find myself in a season that I have been in before. I have always felt that seasons are learning lessons for the person that is going through them. But I’m starting to wonder if this lesson is teaching me that I need to let go? I have been here before but a different year and things were different. But this season that is replaying in my life had me in tears daily and well it taught me some very hard valuable lessons. But now I feel like the season is teaching me to let go because it’s not about me anymore. Sometimes in your life, you have to let people go so that they can stand on their own two feet. You have to let them grow, make mistakes, and learn valuable lessons. As hard as letting go is for me I find it peaceful in this season. I have to trust God and the process. I have to understand that it’s bigger than me. I have understood that the seed has been planted and watered. I am ready to see what my harvest is about to produce. This season is like another I have been in but I know that this season will be better than what I have been in before.

Marriage Journey: Part 4

One thing that I have learned about being married for almost 11 years is this. 

  1. I have someone who wants to do this marriage with me and isn’t giving up.
  2. I have someone who works as hard as me to make sure that this marriage succeeds.
  3. I have someone who encourages me and prays with and for me.
  4. I have someone who asks me how I’m doing and want to make sure that I’m good.
  5. I have someone who feels like having self-care time is important for our marriage.
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We don’t do marriage just to say that we are married we take this seriously. I use to want to model my marriage after some friends but they are not us and they are no longer married. We put in time which is important for a lasting marriage. We talk about the things that are bothering us and how to improve our marriage. One thing that I have learned about being married from some friends is getting someone who really wants to be married and your marriage will be better. What I mean is that many women put pressure on men to have the wedding of their dreams but not the marriage of their dreams. Which are two different things. I got a man who was ready for marriage where I wasn’t so ready. My parents divorced when I was 7 and trust me when I say that it’s something that I never want to experience. But my fear went away when I have seen how much my husband was really wanting this with me. But more importantly, what I have learned from other couples is that you do your marriage your way not someone else’s way. Don’t have everyone in your marriage keep things to yourself. Don’t tell everyone your marriage problems if you’re not seeking advice and not a petty gossip session. Your marriage can and will be successful when you put in the work.

Marriage Journey: Part 3

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My husband is a man I have never known before. I mean he is patient with me, cares for me, and supports me. From the first time that I met my husband, he has made me feel safe. He has supported and encouraged my dreams. While also easing my fears. I’m used to cheating, lying, abuse and mistrust from other relationships. I haven’t experienced any of this with my husband. I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship when I met him. But one thing that I discovered is the fact that he is the opposite of anyone I have ever dated before. My husband is someone who not only talks the talk but walks the walk. He always wants to understand all things about me. He wants to make sure that I feel secure and loved. I never had anyone want to know my hopes and dreams. I never met anyone who wanted to be a part of my dreams and help make them come true. I’m lucky to have my best friend as my husband. He makes me laugh and wants to be his best wife. Marriage wasn’t on my to-do list. I didn’t want to deal with all the pain that comes from some of the marriages that I saw before. But what I had to realize is that not all marriages are the same. You have to make your marriage the best for you. My marriage isn’t perfect but I’m enjoying it and loving who I’m doing life with.

Marriage Journey:

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I can’t believe that on Saturday I will be married for 11 years. And this week I want to talk about my marriage journey. To be honest I never thought that we would make it this far. So when I met my husband I didn’t want to date anymore (well not for some years). It’s funny because when your not looking for someone that is when someone comes along. I was like really????? We became fast friends we spent so much time together that people started thinking that we were a couple. But as much as I was enjoying the friendship something that I have never experienced before happened. There was a serious connection with him. I mean a connection on a deeper level. Not a sexual connection because we were not having sex at that time. But we had a conversation like no other. The peace I found around him was crazy. I started, to think what, if……. But then I put that on the back burner because I thought about my most recent relationships and, I was nope nope nope, I’m good. But something about this man just kept drawing me in. We laughed all the time and talked about things that I didn’t even talk about with other men I was in a relationship with. I’m like this is different in a great way. He made me think about things that I hadn’t really given much thought to. We then went from friendship to relationship and that was amazing. I’m like I have never had a relationship like this before. When I tell you I felt like we had known each other for years. But even though things are all good with the relationship doesn’t mean it’s all good. Well, his mother didn’t like me. But if you have been with me from the beginning you know that she still doesn’t like me. But that became a thorn for our relationship and marriage. But come back tomorrow and I will tell you the rest of the story.

Doubt:

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I always seem to doubt myself when things happen. Well, last Thursday was the last day of work for me. I felt hurt, but at the same time, I knew I needed to move on. This job was great but very overwhelming and not only that there were miscommunication issues. So instead of having a conversation with me, they decided to let me go. So now I’m back to square one. I feel defeated when things like this happen to me. It seems like when things don’t work out how I thought they would I would doubt myself and feel like things are my fault. But having a conversation with the staffing company put so much in perspective for me. Because up until that day they sang my praises, was so happy that I was there but as soon as I have a problem they were ready to let me go. I need to stop doubting myself and just understand that sometimes things that don’t work out are more of a blessing than a burden. I have to change my thinking on these things. Do you doubt when things go wrong or something happens? How do you handle it?