Freedom:

As the celebration of my birthday and my husband’s birthday dies down. I have been having this weight on my shoulders. The weight of life, the weight of me wanting to change some things in my life, the weight of becoming an empty nester, and more. But if you want to change something it starts with you. So I’ve been wanting to cut my hair for 2 years now, and yesterday I finally decided to do it. Yes, I cut my hair, and no I have never cut my hair before. But it felt good, I felt free for some reason. I smiled a smile I haven’t seen in a while. Yes I know it’s only hair but sometimes things can weigh you down and this Texas heat is just crazy. But as the hair fell so did my insecurities about my looks. As my hair fell so did my insecurities about my weight. As my hair fell I felt love for me sweep back in. As my hair fell I felt a freedom like never before. I have been defined by my hair for as long as I could remember. I have always had long hair and cutting it felt like freedom to me. Yes, I have had my hair cut before. But this time I held the scissors and I didn’t have anyone discouraging me about how short to cut my hair. Has anyone else ever felt this type of freedom from doing something?

Deeper relationship:

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We all have a voice. But how are you using your voice? Have you lost your voice? Has your voice been silent? I’ve always been a haven for others and people have told me stories that I have never repeated to anyone. But I’ve never found that person to tell my secrets, fears, etc with. I tell people things but I never go deep and I want to change that. But how do I change that? I’ve always wanted to let people know how much fear and insecurity that I have. I have always had a love/fear relationship with men and women. I had friends who I had known for years but they did things to lose my trust so I guarded myself. And I have guarded myself for so many years that I don’t know how to break it. People will always hurt me I know that but we are flawed and imperfect people. But I have to understand that not all people mean me to hurt and pain. But I have put up a wall to the point where I don’t know how to tear it down. I’m on a mission to tear down these walls within myself to let people in without fear and pain. I have always wanted a deeper relationship with people. And it’s time for me to start learning how to let go and try. But right now it’s hard. Am I the only one who has gone through this?

Happiness:

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I must admit that yesterday felt like I could breathe. I mean I felt free yesterday. I’m not a big shopper at all. I hate shopping, but there were a few things that I was looking for. Yesterday was just a relaxed day filled with no stress. I felt free to explore and rediscover me. My likes and dislikes, it was just a happy moment for me to be honest. I’m always worried about others and doing for others. But yesterday was about me. I forgot how much I enjoyed doing certain things. How much I enjoyed rediscovering old passions. Yesterday made me realize I need to change and live. I have gotten so caught up in being a wife and mom that I honestly forget about me. No more it’s time that I live, love, and enjoy life. It’s too short to not think about myself sometimes. I have been missing out on a lot. Not anymore.

Hard lesson:

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It seems like no matter what you do or how much you are there for someone. You will never be what you thought you are to someone. I love to have a circle of sisters around me, but this year has taught me not everyone is for you. I’m not the spotlight type of female. I don’t do things to get people’s attention. I do things because I care. And I’m seeing that just because you care doesn’t mean that everyone else cares. I always seem to let my guard down when I should have my guard up. This is a mistake that I won’t make again. There is nothing wrong with being there for people but it is something wrong when your there for them and they’re not there for you. You know how much you mean to someone just by what they don’t do or say. Lessons are worth learning and this lesson I have learned the hard way.

It’s weird:

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I’m an empty nester. I don’t know how to feel about this. With everything that is going on in the world, I haven’t given it much thought until now. What am I going to do with all my free time? There is honestly a lot I can do in my free time. I’ve been working on two books, reading and just trying to get me together. It’s hard to make the transition now that I have grown kids. I don’t have to go to school events, school sports, etc. My schedule no longer has to revolve around there’s. No more back to school shopping. It just feels really weird to me. My daughter will be starting her 1st semester in college in August. My husband and I will have more time to do things. It just feels weird. We are looking to buy a home within the next year. And to be honest I might want a dog. I have taken time to take care of everyone else, it’s now time to take care of me. But where do I begin with this? First I need to love me more. Take care of my mental health more and just say NO more. I have done so much and it’s my time to rest and enjoy myself. I never thought that would be possible until now. If your an empty nester do you have any advice for me?

When:

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Will things get back to normal again? I mean will we be able to go to the grocery store and be able to get the normal things that we normally get? When will we be able to worship at church again? When will life get back to what it used to be? When can I go to the doctor without wearing a face mask? When can I find toilet paper when I go to the store. When can I go see my grandmother without putting her at risk? This year is so depressing. I feel like so much has happened this year that I’m ready for this year to be over. It’s been hard to blog lately, it’s been overwhelming. I know that things will be different for a while and maybe this is the new normal.

How are you doing:

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How are you doing? What are you doing to make you a better you? What are you needing to change? When was the last time you picked up the phone and called someone to say I love you or I was just checking on you? Are you growing or staying the same? I’ve learned through my health journey that life is way too short. And it’s nice to have a circle of support who love and encourage you. As I make yet another doctor’s appointment this week I keep in mind that I’m not alone. I’m doing my best to be the best of me. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold but I know that today people can say that they enjoyed my time. I love it when I get a text or phone call and someone says I was just thinking about you. There is so much going on in this world. But what about you? What are you doing? We have the power to change ourselves and those around us. But we have to be better for people to see the change in us. Life can get busy and we would rather do other things. But one thing that won’t change is you if you don’t make an effort to fix what’s going on in your life. So again I ask what are you doing to change you? Will you leave a lasting memory on others? Or will they forget you when you leave? Do you like who you are? Or are there some areas where you need to change? So what are you waiting for tomorrow? Because tomorrow isn’t promised.

Love over hate:

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As 2020 is in full effect what I can’t understand is why we still have hate for one another. We hate someone’s color, we hate people’s hairstyles and we hate other people’s sexual orientation. So much hate in this world. We can cure hate with love. Have you ever stopped to talk to someone who is a different color than you? Have you ever talked with someone who is in a same sex marriage? Have you ever thought why do I hate this person? Why do I hate that they are not like me? Is hate taught? Are we all not lovable? It hurts my heart that people are hated for things like not being social, to thin, too fat, too tall, not light enough, don’t have enough money and other dumb things. I may not like certain things about people but what I won’t do is talk down about them and make them feel less than. We are all in this world trying to figure out life. We need to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why do I hate people? Is it them or is something else going on within me? I pray that one day we will get over ourselves and start loving ourselves and love other people. So please stop the hate and start to love. Love over hate.

Letter to my 20 year old self:

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When I was in my 20’s I couldn’t have imagined where my life would lead me. But now that I’m in my 40’s life has been a true adventure. Listen I know your struggling with love and understanding love. You have had your heart broken so many times just by being yourself. And trust me there is nothing wrong with being yourself, your going to find that special someone that God has just for you. Trust me I know, I’m in the future. You’re doing a great job with your kids, keep it up. Trust me they hear you and understand the wisdom that you are giving them. You’re a dreamer and it’s okay to dream but you must get your head out of the clouds. You have always been a risker taker and you will continue to be one. Do me a favor and work on you and loving you, because now that you’re in your 40’s you’re doing this. Understand that everything doesn’t need to lead to a misunderstanding. Hear the person out and listen to there heart. It’s okay to have time to yourself we all need it. Please learn to say no before you hit 40, it’s really important. Remember who you are and whose you are. God created a wonderful woman even though you don’t always feel this way. Don’t be so hard on yourself we all go through things, but the important thing is to learn and grow. People will come and go out of your life and it’s okay don’t take it personally. You’re going to meet some truly amazing people along the way. Your doing great don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Trust me your 40’s will be different.

Thinking out loud:

Yesterday was harder than I imagined that it would be. She just returned books, laptops, and picked up a cap and gown. Just imagine what next Saturday is going to be like. But it got me to thinking what do I do now? All three of my children are grown. So now it’s hubby and me. But what do I do with myself? I’m used to running around with my daughter to events and stuff like that. Now I will have time on my hands. I’m like you will have more time to work on your book, you will have more time to relax. But is this all that I am? Is this what I’m meant to do after all the kids are gone? Do I have nothing left to give or offer? This next season of life is truly stressing me out. I know that I shouldn’t be that concerned about it but I am. I know there will be more time with the hubby and travel and stuff like that but I feel like I was created for more to do more. Just thinking out loud. Maybe I am thinking too much into it.