I’m taking a break from social media to be able to focus on God and areas where I need to grow. Social media was stressing me out. So much is going on, too many people are dying and so much negative and hate. I felt myself stressing out because of the words that people were using against one another. I had to redirect my focus and what I want for myself. Sometimes you need to step away from things for you to get yourself right. I was too caught up in social media. But now that I have been off of it I don’t have any desire to get on it. I’m doing a 21 day fast and since I have been fasting I feel so much better about myself and how I see things. I feel like we can get too influenced by other people and their thoughts on social media.
2020 wasn’t the best year for me. It started with me having some health issues. Then in the middle of the year my daughter and I not seeing eye to eye. Then my marriage being I don’t know up and down. Through all of that, I still kept making an effort and helping anyone who needed my help. But I always seem to do it for others and not myself. I feel like I had lost myself and my voice last year. It felt like everything around me is crumbling. But I hadn’t lost my voice at all. I love to blog and write. So between journaling and blogging, I was finding my voice in those lonely hours. When everything around me was crashing down I still had my voice. Things are a lot better with my husband and daughter, but one thing I need not ever forget is that I have a voice and to use it. Trust me losing yourself in others and never saying how you feel is not okay. I will be using my voice this year and not shying away from how I feel.
Okay, so if you know my blog then you know that I keep it real on here. So you may wonder why my word this year is myself. Well have you ever been there for others and honestly lost yourself in taking care of others than you have yourself. I don’t have anything left to give people. I’m completely drained. I need to find my joy, love, and light again. I feel like a mirror broken into a million pieces that I need to put back together again. And to be honest I don’t have a clue where to start. Okay let me take that back I have prayed about it and that is a start. So where do I go from there? I’m not sure. I have so much work to do on myself because I’m starting from the beginning again. I have pain that I need to deal with. I love to love me again. I have to understand that I can’t be everything to everyone. I’m going to grow and glow this year. Well, maybe this is supposed to be my next move. I good at holding things in so maybe blogging about it will help me.
I have so many goals this year but what’s more important is that I try to accomplish these goals. I know that I tend to fall off of my goals to help others. But this year it’s going to be different. My focus is on me and being a better person. Have you ever got so wrapped up in other’s plans and dreams that you forgot about yourself? Yeah, that’s me to the fullest. For as long as I can remember I have always been about helping others succeed just for them to leave me in the end. Broken promises once they got what they wanted. But no more. No matter how small or big my goals are I want to complete at least 80% of them this year. Even though this year has just now started I’m more determined than ever to take me back. So here’s to me taking me back.
I tried to post something every day and I think that I’m going to step back from posting every day. I want to be able to take full advantage of my time. And I haven’t been doing much of that lately. So I think I’m going to start posting three times a week and see how that goes. I get so caught up in posting that I don’t leave myself much time to write, do research and read for my book reviews. I’m trying to use my time more wisely.
Sadly, it takes a pandemic to help you understand friendship. Friendship is a word that I’m not going to use loosely anymore. I need to redefine what I feel a friend truly is. My circle of friends is small anyway but it’s about to get even smaller. For me, I have a best friend, friend, and acquaintance. You are in one of those three categories for me. I only have three best friends, but my “friends” list I’m going to reorganize this list. I’m the type of friend who checks on my friends weekly sometimes 3 times a week. But one thing that I have noticed about some friends is that you always have to be there for them. Whether it’s calling, texting, or providing some type of interaction whether on social media, etc. I just don’t understand if you call yourself a friend why one friend needs to do this and you can’t. I say friend because my best friends I don’t have to worry about this. A few of my friends I have learned this year are selfish and don’t seem to care about anyone else’s needs but their own. Not only that no matter how much support and attention that you give them it’s not enough. If you can support, encourage and always be there for someone but never get that, then why are we friends? I’ve noticed that some people only want you when they want you. I’m still trying to understand why I keep some people around, to begin with. Maybe I want too much out of my friends and maybe it’s not me but for them. Maybe they are only supposed to be with me for a season. Maybe they have served their purpose whatever that was. How do you feel about friendships?
I was the type of person who made yearly goals and when they seemed so out of reach I started making monthly goals. But I must admit I have been slacking in this area. I have neglected what I need to do because I had lost some motivation. But I know now that I don’t need to make unrealistic goals that I may not be able to reach. I have this huge expectation that I have to do so much with so little time. And I have noticed that when I rush and don’t take my time I end up going back to fix all the mistakes that I have made. I use to have like ten to fifteen goals on my list, but not anymore. I have to be more realistic in the future and even now. I need to understand that there are somethings that will just take longer and that I need to focus on myself a lot more. Things will get done and Rome was not built in a day. 2021 will be the year that realistic me gets things done. Just because you set the bar high doesn’t mean you have to stress about getting everything done. Set small goals and watch yourself crush them. Baby steps are what I’m taking.
I honestly feel like this new stage of parenting is difficult. I now have three grown children and it feels like the last one is giving me a run for my money so to speak. Somewhere between May and now we have lost our connection. I feel like we are both in this transition phase of trying to figure out where to go from here. As an empty nester so to speak I’m having trouble navigating this parenting thing. She’s not a child but not quite an adult either. I’m having trouble learning the boundaries. Learning why she doesn’t want to listen or just understand where I’m coming from. Yes with my son’s I went through something like this but it wasn’t the same. I honestly feel like I’m drifting out to sea somewhere. We have had many talks and I feel all talked out. I want only the best for my daughter and it feels like friends and fun are number one on her list of things to do. She’s not a bad kid but I feel like she has taken this much newfound freedom to her head. When I say newfound freedom I mean that she can come and go more and that her time to be home is later. But every day was not a day to go out but now it is. I’m trying to find the balance without losing my mind or just shutting down altogether. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about empty nesters and what they go through? Yes, I’ve said it before so I guess I will talk about it and share my experience with you. Any advice for me?
Even though last week was relaxing it was stressful as well. Navigating my daughter is not as easy as I thought it would be. Since graduation, it feels like she has been just going in a direction that I don’t know how to bring back. She has friends that I don’t necessarily like. And I always share my feelings with her about these friends. On her off days, she is always gone hanging out with her friends. I’m the type of mother who tells it like it is. And one thing that I have to come to terms with is that sometimes you have to let people learn the hard way. One of the friends that she was always hanging with they are no longer friends. I’m more concerned with her grades in college and applying for scholarships. She’s more concerned about hanging out and having fun. I know that I can’t make someone do something but all I want is the best for my daughter. All I can do is pray about it and hope that change will come.
Hey everyone I hope you had an amazing Thanksgiving break. I missed you all. I will have more content this week. Just wanted to let you know that I’m back from my break.