All I really want:

Photo by mohamed Abdelgaffar on Pexels.com

I went to church today feeling different. I didn’t want to worship, I half-listened to the sermon. I felt out of place. I feel angry, hurt, sad and just tired. What am I doing wrong? I’m tired of people asking me how I feel when to be honest I don’t know. I’m tired of having a smile that’s not genuine. I’m tired of people thinking I’m acting weird when I don’t know why I feel this way or why I’m going through what I’m going through. I get people care, but stop. I feel like I want to be alone with no one around me. I feel like God left me months ago and my prayers are not being heard and will never be answered. I feel like I’m drowning in my own misery. I try not to think about it and go on like I’m fine but I’m not. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. I really do. I hate not really being able to communicate how I truly feel. I don’t need pity or sympathy. I need someone to care if I don’t know the right words. I need someone to care if they see tears running down my face. I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE. After church, I went up to a lady that I know giving her an update and she asked me why I didn’t go down for prayer. I told her without hesitation that whatever the outcome is I’m okay with it and I have made peace. She wasn’t buying that and took me down for prayer. Something came alive in me again as this lady prayed for me, but it felt like as soon as the prayer was over my heart harden again, because God hasn’t been answering my prayers so far why would he start now? It’s hard and I’m not okay. My tears and pain are real. I’m tired of the test I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I just want a job. I just want this sadness to go away. I just want people to really care about me. That’s all that I want.

I care to much:

Sometimes I feel like a broken record to people. I give my advice, attention, and suggestions. Only to feel like people only care about you when it’s convenient for them. No matter if you say I love you, it’s words. No matter if you show them you love them it’s not good enough. I try to be there for people as much as I can, but lately, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. I’m tired physically and mentally. I have a lot going on between my health and looking for a job. I feel like people take me for granted. I don’t genuinely feel appreciated. My problem I think I care too much about people and how they are feeling. I care about what they think. I need to stop. This is my flaw my thorn and I need to stop.

Health update:

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I just wanted to update you on my health. Yesterday I went to see the cardiologist and I have to wear a heart monitor for two weeks. I also have to have a stress test and sonogram done on my heart next week. The doctor thinks I have inflammation and I may have fluid around my heart. I have to call my insurance company today to see how much this is going to cost me. I may have to cancel my appointment if it is too much. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks

The marriage article:

I read an article that rubbed me the wrong way. It stated that people don’t care about marriage anymore they just like to attend the wedding. That people put more time and effort into the wedding then they do there marriage. Well, let me just say yes I agree with some parts but not all the article. Then the article goes on to say that after the honeymoon couples find themselves not really sure if they want to stay married? WHAT. Okay, I’m old fashion when I said I do I knew that my marriage wasn’t going to be all fun times. I know that we were going to have some rough moments but I was committed to my husband. We all marry someone flawed but if you put more time and effort into that one day then you’re missing the whole point of marriage and being one. So many people go into debt over that one day. It took me years to get married. I didn’t want to just marry anyone I wanted to marry the one. I was 33 when I got married and I’m glad that I waited because just marrying to get married wasn’t my goal. I see so many of my friends get married early and now are divorced and on there second and third marriage. I wish that the younger generation could truly understand the meaning of marriage and how it works. Yes, there are some marriages that people do need to get out of for different reasons and safety. I’m not talking about those marriages I’m talking about waking up one morning and saying you don’t love this person or maybe you made a mistake. Instead of blaming your spouse how about you look in the mirror and do some work on yourself. We are all flawed people. Marriage is not just for this one big day, marriage is for life. And we have to find ways to keep the spark, love, romance and the reason why we fell in love in the first place alive. It’s not about the things that make a marriage, it’s about commitment.

Just Stop:

As a woman, I have been independent longer than I have been married. And I’m realizing that I don’t have to do it all on my own anymore. Why is it so hard for me to let others help me? I’m always fussing at my husband and daughter, but I don’t give them the chance to do the things that I fuss about because I’m so busy doing it myself. I get it my way. I don’t allow people to help because I feel like I can do it all on my own and when I can’t I get mad. But why? I’m the problem not them. So many times I do this to myself and I had to stop and say your the problem. Either you fix yourself or you stop complaining about what others are not doing. I don’t give them time to do anything, to be honest. And it’s not like I’m controlling the situation I’m just a doer and I like to have and get things done. I’m working on me and learning not to fuss at them for not doing things.

Yesterday:

Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

Yesterday was probably the scariest day in some years for me. I went to the ER with chest pains and was immediately taken back to a room where an EKG was done. Then blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan. It was all so fast it made my head spin. The doctor and staff were truly amazing. They talked to me about what was happening and the next steps. It was a comfort to feel truly cared about. The good news is I didn’t have a heart attack, no blood clot or anything serious like that. The bad news is that I have to see a cardiologist on Monday. They think it could be inflammation or something going on with my heart. I have a family history of heart issues on my mom’s side. But I’ve never had anything wrong with my heart. So please keep me lifted in prayer. Yesterday was rough for me and I’m resting today.

My marriage:

I’ve been married for 9 years, and I wish I would have had some advice about marriage before I got married. If I could go back in time and tell my newly engaged self anything it would be this. 

  1. It’s okay not to know what your doing everyone feels this way.
  2. It’s okay to be vulnerable with your husband he has your back
  3. Not everything is worthy of getting an attitude about
  4. Know that you are going to have rough times but the true test of your marriage is working it out.
  5. Just because his parents don’t like you doesn’t mean you need to take it out on him.
  6. You don’t have to be right about everything, winning is not always important.

As I have become more seasoned in my marriage I’m realizing that doing life with my husband is so much fun. I don’t need to win every argument. I don’t need to tell him what he is doing wrong all the time. I need to love and support him. I need him to know that when he comes home from work I am his comfort. I don’t always do things right in my marriage but I’m working at it. I felt like love would get me through my marriage, but now I understand it’s commitment. I’m committed to not giving up when it gets hard. I’m committed to doing my best daily. I’m still learning and growing, but I appreciate my marriage more today than ever.

What stinks?:

There are many things that stink, our garbage, your teenager and at times our attitude. I’m learning that my attitude so far this year hasn’t been the best. I had the whoa is me attitude, but there are so many people who are dealing with worse who’s attitude is so much better. I needed to step back in get out of my pity party and understand that what I’m going through is to make me better and stronger. This is a learning lesson that I have failed. Everything in life is a learning lesson but it’s how you treat the lesson. You can either have your pity party and keep going through the same thing or you can learn the lesson. I’m learning that it’s not about me and what I want on my time. It’s about God timing and how I need to learn to be patient in the process. Yes life can stink and my attitude was very funky but not anymore. I’m learning to be content in any season that I’m in. I’m a work in progress and I’m learning daily.

Love language:

Photo by Ashley Williams on Pexels.com

I’m the type of person who loves the little things. And my husband did just that. I hate all things that have to do with fixing anything. So my truck needed new brakes and my tire patched. So on my husband’s day off he did this for me, plus going grocery shopping with me. It’s the little things that really touch my heart. It’s my love language. And when you speak my love language well it warms my heart. So I’m learning to never take for granted the little things because they matter so much.

New Journey:

Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

A new month and a new journey. I’m still trying to figure out what God is preparing me for. I’m still out of work and my health well……. I went to the doctor and I’m waiting to be scheduled for a CT scan because I’m still having issues. My breastbone is very tender along with chest pain not sure what’s going on. So as I wait I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing? To be honest I feel bored. I pray, read devotionals, cook, clean, read, write and look for jobs but I feel like this is my daily cycle. But I feel like I’m in a waiting season. But what am I waiting for? I’m trusting God to help prepare me for my purpose. Or maybe he is preparing me but I’m missing the point. Either way, I’m okay, because I would rather deal with my health issues now than when I start working. What does your journey look like?