Me update:

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Good morning everyone. Thank you so much for the anniversary wishes. It was an amazing day. 10 years down and many more to go. My husband took the next week off and so we spent the weekend and week together just hanging out. Let me tell you this was much needed. Just because we are at home all day together doesn’t mean that we get to spend time together. My husband works long hours and when he gets done he wants to just relax, which I understand. I have been pretty much lazy when it came to writing my book. I put it on hold to be able to spend some much-needed quality time with my husband. It seems like when things are good something,comes and tries to destroy your happiness. I had to understand that you will have days when the storm comes into your lives. We had a couple of days of just pain but then the sun shined again. I had to learn to truly trust God at this moment. You don’t know how strong you are until you truly have to be. But I enjoyed so much needed time with my husband. We laughed and just loved one another. When you get so busy with stuff you can forget about your spouse and time with each other is so important. I’m currently reading a really good book about different couples and their marriage. Date nights and quality time is so important for your marriage. My marriage has been through a lot of ups and downs and I know that when you put other things like job, kids, hobbies, etc before your spouse you will never grow as a couple. Just wanted to give you an update on what’s going on with me. So how are you?

Letting love in:

I almost forgot what it was like to let myself go and let someone love me. I don’t like getting to close to people in fear of getting hurt. But when someone hurts me I start to close up. But I had to remember we all need grace when things happen. Just because someone hurt me doesn’t mean that it was intentional. I have learned to release the hurt that others have put on me and enjoy life. I was pushing so many people away because of what others had done. But I have stopped and let love come my way. I’m tired of being held back by past hurts. I’m letting love guide me for now on. I’m letting others show me, love, in ways I never knew that I needed. I have been feeling so much love lately that I’m running over. I love this feeling. And yes I know that love is a feeling but this feeling I don’t want to ever go away. I feel like my life is on the right path.

Let’s talk marriage:

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I met my husband at a time where I had given up on love. I didn’t believe in true love anymore. I thought that men were all the same. I felt down when it came to love. But being around my husband as a friend opened my eyes and heart. I had put a wall up around my heart and I didn’t want any man near it. I could care less about being in a relationship. Until I started getting these weird butterflies in my stomach when we were together. I would love being close to him and just hanging out. When we weren’t together I wanted to be with him. It was a weird feeling because I was starting to want more from him than just a friendship. The odd thing was he was feeling the same way as well. We called this stage in our relationship the in-between stage. Because we weren’t a couple but we were acting like it. The bricks around my heart started coming down. I was able to trust again because with him there were no games. He was a straight shooter. We stayed in this in-between stage until we were ready to be a couple. And trust me it was worth the wait.

Understanding:

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There is something about reading a good blog that does something for me. But then there is something about blogs that are so negative and disrespectful that make me think are they okay? I’m being truly serious right now. If you feel like something that I am writing about on my blog is disrespectful then please call me out about it. I know that people are allowed to write whatever they want on their blogs but people please use some common sense. You can hide behind your writing but trust me your true intentions are known. I have been coming across some nasty blogs and I’m wondering are they okay? Like what has happened to you for you to be so nasty on your blog? I write about my life and what I’m dealing with. And I admit I’m learning but people please stop and think about the words that you write before you write them. If your words are hurtful and insulting then maybe you shouldn’t write them. I understand we can express ourselves however we want to. But at the end of the day, our words have life and death. And some of the blogs that I read even though my views are different made me feel some type of way. I believe in grace. You may dislike a group of people or whatever but words hurt. And the moral of this post is that if your okay writing those words and there is no conviction in you then something is truly wrong with you. It’s your blog and you have the right to write what you want but please try to be understanding and sensitive to other people.

Storm coming:

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I’m sitting here waiting for the storms to come today. We are supposed to get some pretty heavy rain and thunderstorms this afternoon. But one thing that popped in my head is we know when the weather is going to be different. We see it on the news, we smell the rain and see the sky changing. But why don’t we see the storms coming in our own lives? What can’t we see that we should be seeing? I can’t go outside and see the sun shining but there is a storm brewing in my own life. I might feel different but not sure of what is about to happen. Why are some things so easy to predict when other things are not so easy? But I had to stop to ask myself is the reason we don’t see the storm coming because we don’t want to or are we in denial? I know when things in my life aren’t right but there are times I honestly don’t see the storm coming. Maybe I don’t want to face anything else at that time or maybe I don’t truly see it. Is it easy for you to spot storms coming in your life?

Planning:

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Your kids can teach you so much. As I was talking with my daughter the other day I noticed that her planner was highlighted in different colors. I asked her about it and she told me each class is colored coded in a different color. And that she knows when homework is due when quizzes are supposed to be taken, etc. I’m like interesting, my college daughter has her classes and things that she needs to get done planned out already. I set goals but planning things I just don’t really do. If I want to get something done I usually will that day or the next. But what I have learned is if I don’t plan things out I might not accomplish the important things. With my book I kinda have things planned out but not like I really want to. So I am determined this week to get up to chapter 5 out for people to read and give me feedback. After that, I will make a goal for the next chapters and so forth. It makes it easier to stay on task and to know what you need to accomplish that day. So now I’m planning each week what I would like to accomplish and if it doesn’t get done I won’t beat myself up about it. I will just add it to next week’s list of things to do.

Time to do better:

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This three day weekend was definitely what I needed. I did some self-care. I made time for me and made sure that I took care of myself. But there were things that I saw in myself that I need to work on. I have tried to work on me and I have noticed that there are some things in my life where I need to speak to someone about my issues. I know that I can’t do everything on my own no matter how much I try. We all need help in some area of our lives. I have trusted friends to talk to and God but sometimes we need to speak to someone who can dig deeper within us. This is where I am right now. I’m going to seek out counseling. I don’t have all the answers and I know that God placed people on this earth to help us. I’m trying to have a better me daily and so my journey starts.

Chadwick Boseman:

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I know that we have all heard and is mourning the death of Chadwick Boseman. And to think about him having stage 3 then stage four colon cancer without telling the world. To be honest I would do the same thing. I would only tell a handful of people that I knew who would encourage and support me. If you tell to many people that can be stressful. But more important he worked like he was fine. When I’m not feeling good I definitely don’t work like all is fine. You can tell in my face that something is wrong. I’ve heard people say that he should have told someone about his cancer. Why? If he would have let Hollywood know that he was sick he wouldn’t be able to make these amazing movies that he did. But his life and death have taught me a great lesson, don’t tell everyone everything. Move-in silence because you never know who may not want good things for you. I feel like Chadwick was a big brother and he was a great actor. I’m praying for his wife and family.

Change is coming:

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I’m learning that there are areas in my life where I need to change. But change is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. Trust me I don’t like giving up control so to speak. But there are areas in my life where I need to be vulnerable and how to really trust others. More importantly, I need to not be afraid to give my all in things and people. I noticed that my mood and behavior changes to fit the environment or the people around me. And I need to understand that I control my mood and how I feel not anyone else. This is something that I really need to work on. I see my faults and shortcomings and I have to understand that there are changes that I need to make. I’m committed to improving me.

Removing fear:

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This morning I had a heart to heart with my husband. I have been in some hurtful relationships. My husband and I will be married for 10 years in September and I haven’t been in a relationship like this. I’m used to verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. I’m used to cheating and lying. I’m used to disrespect and no love. It was an eye-opener. My husband is different and I have been expecting him to do these things to me. I have been waiting for what I’m used to but this relationship is different. I haven’t let my guard down. And at some point, I have to understand that my husband isn’t like these past men in my life. I have to let my guard down and understand that this relationship is different. I have to understand that my husband committed to me before we got married. He has always been teamed me. He has always had my back. He has always wanted the best for me. Now has he hurt me yes. But it’s never been like the relationships that I have been in before. I’m used to be so scared that one day I will have to go through the same thing again. But I haven’t and it’s time to move on. I understand that you will never have a perfect relationship, but one thing that I understand is that when you have someone who loves you with all your heart then they will make sure that they have your best interest at heart. It makes sense now to me. I have to let go of my past because I’m missing out on a great future. I’m glad that I have a great husband. He isn’t perfect by any means but he loves and treats me better than I am used to.