I have been taking a much-needed break from blogging and other things. When I tell you that I feel so refreshed and renewed. I have had a lot going on in the past that I needed to take time out for. I needed to do some healing and I needed to get my life in order. There were so many things that I said I was going to do but never did. I have been taking time out for myself and creating my own space and peace. I have canceled out the noise of others and listened to myself. I have a job that I love and the environment is so peaceful. I have given so much of my peace and attention to others when I should have been giving myself those things as well. I have taken the time to work on self-care myself, to have time for myself, and to create healthy boundaries in my life. I could not continue to do things as usual and thought that I’m going to get different results. I was tired and I needed so much peace in my life. I have that now. I’m not done taking time out for myself and working on myself. I just wanted everyone to know that I’m doing well and I’m on a healthier path in life. Dealing with the death of my uncle, not being employed, and always helping others was truly wearing me down. But when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you do something about it. And I’m doing just that. I will be back to blogging more regularly but not right now. I hope everyone understands.
All my life I wanted to feel like I was good enough. I had four men in my life who validated me and let me know that I was loved and cared about. But to me, that wasn’t enough. The main people that I wanted to be enough for I wasn’t. This hurt deeply because as a child you wanted to know that you are cared about. I wanted to be loved and approved of by certain men in my life growing up. And this carried into my adult life where I was seeking to be enough for them. I wanted these men to show up for me, care for me and love me. And as I got older I needed to feel enough in my relationship with men. But never did I stop to think and feel like I was enough for myself. As I was having this discussion with my husband last night he said isn’t being enough for God enough for you? He said people are flawed and we all make mistakes and that being enough shouldn’t be left up to someone else. I’m a people pleaser and all my life I wanted to be enough and matter enough to the men in my life that I deemed important. But I really had to take in the words that my husband spoke to me last night. It doesn’t matter that I’m not enough for everyone else. It matters if God feels like I’m enough. I don’t know why I worry about what others think or feel, to be honest. But I do that’s just who I am. But a change is coming trust me. I need to learn to please and love myself first and more.
Like season we all have to change. I have been trying to heal from the death of my great uncle. But more than that I feel like I’m in a place where I like to be alone. I’m tired of reaching out to others in their time of need. I’m focused on myself and what I need right now. There seem to be so many couples getting a divorce and this has been heavy on my heart because I don’t ever want to go through that. But my heart is heavy because no matter how much I try people will always try to bring me down. I have to let some people go in this season because I just can’t be in a place where it’s okay for them to have an opinion of my life. I’m tired of being the person that I use to be. I’m about to be the person that I need to be in this season of my life. It hurts when you can’t grieve and people don’t understand why you need to. I don’t understand why people feel like you have to have it all together all the time. I don’t and I probably won’t for a while. I won’t be blogging as much because I need to heal and get myself together.
Going back home taught me lessons and showed me blessings. I didn’t know what to feel when I get back home. It hurt losing my great uncle. But I didn’t know realized the void that I felt. The hurt is massive but I just felt lost without him. He was a big part of my life. But when you mix in grief and family well that combination isn’t always the best. You see the worst in people come out. People forget that we are here to celebrate life and not fight over things! People start talking about one another like we are not family. I felt so many emotions while being home but most of my emotions were hurt. Being home showed me why my circle is so small. It also showed me who cares about me. So many times we talk about what was and not what is. Sadly, death can bring more than just the pain of losing someone. It can bring the realization that the people you care about the most don’t care about you as much as you thought. Sadly, it took someone’s death for me to realize this.
Well, a lot has happened since the last time that I blogged. I celebrated my 12th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe it has been 12 years already. I went back home last week to attend my uncle’s funeral. It seems so surreal to me that he is gone. I walked into his house and was expecting to see him and call me by my nickname. I got to see family that I haven’t seen in years. It was a good but sad time. My daughter was sick and needed to have a procedure done during the trip. I got to see my two grandbabies. I’m tired, to say the least. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I have thought a lot about life and what I need to do. I appreciate more than ever my family and those who have always had my back. Death and life teach you may lessons. I hope everyone has a great week.
I still haven’t completely healed from my grandpa passing away. And now my great uncle who was like a second dad to me has passed away. His death hit me so hard that I didn’t have any more tears left that day. I know that everyone has lost someone that they truly care about, but how to heal from the grief is hard. I have lost people in my family that this grief didn’t hit as hard, but when you are close to someone it makes it that much harder. This pain that I’m feeling is a different kind of pain that I felt with my grandpa. I felt like I was getting to a point where I was okay and now this has happened. I feel like maybe I don’t know how to deal with grief. Maybe I just stuff my emotions down and deal with them when I’m ready. I know that going to his funeral is going to be hard. I have cried and screamed but the pain of losing someone hurts like crazy. I know that he isn’t in any pain anymore and it would have been selfish of me to want him to stay around a little longer. But I know going back home and not being able to see him is going to hurt. Going to his house is going to probably bring me to my knees. It’s been a year since I have been back home and that’s the last time that I saw my great uncle. I’m thankful that we talked all the time and he knew how much I cared about him. I pray that I will find a healthy way to deal with my grief. Keeping busy doesn’t always work but it does take my mind off of it for a while. It’s always hard saying goodbye to the people that you love the most.
There have been so many things in my life that have held me back. Those things are called fear, and today I have decided to deal with fear. So many things that I want to accomplish and do I feel fearful about doing. When it comes to going places and just enjoying myself I feel fearful about doing them. When it comes to succeeding I feel fearful about that. Fear has held me back most of my life. I was fearful of what people may think or say. I was fearful of people finding out that I may not be as confident as I let on. But right now today I’m going to tackle fear one problem at a time. I’m tired of being held back and held up by fear. So here’s to fighting past my fear and leaning more on my faith to get me through these situations. I can’t control anything but myself. My fear will not dictate my destination, my faith will lead me to my destination. Time to kick fear out and start letting faith lead the way.
As I have been working on myself I have noticed that something has been missing. Well, nothing missing but me not giving much of my attention. I have a routine every morning, I wake up pray, read my devotional, and get ready for my day. But I have been giving God a few minutes of my day because I have other things to take care of. But I’m feeling empty and like things are just going round and round in my life. Why does it feel like I haven’t accomplished anything? God is not a routine he’s not someone I should just give a few minutes to and go about my day. I should be deliberated about my time with God. Why do I feel so stuck? Well, how can you rush God but not rush things that can wait? How can you rush God but get mad when your prayers are not answered? I started being more intentional about my time with God and I stopped making other things that I deem important, important. I have been spending time with God not only in prayer and devotional but also by reading. God is so much bigger than the little time that I was giving him. I took for granted my relationship with him and made other things a priority. I had to realize that what you give your time to can help or hurt you. My time with God is the most important time of the day for me. Since I have been doing this I have been more relaxed and also not worried about what I deem more important. I don’t know if you feel like God is important to you, but if he is make sure your time with him is intentional.
For me to be the best me possible I noticed that one area in my life was lacking. That area is my marriage, and what I mean by that is that I don’t try to understand my husband. I don’t try to listen to understand him. Usually, when my husband comes to me I get an attitude that I don’t want to hear what he has to say. That’s mean I know and I hate that I do that to him. But the crazy part is that he told me so many people come to you and you listen to their problems or what they have going on. But when it comes to him I get an attitude and I don’t want to listen because I have been hearing people’s problems all day. That cut me deep because he was right and I didn’t treat them rudely. I had to learn what was more important and I’m trying to be more intentional when it comes to my husband and our time together. I thought that I was doing a great job in my marriage but I’m not. I had to understand that I was neglecting someone who always makes time for me. I was taking this person for granted for people who took me for granted. Working on myself also means being a better wife to my husband. I need to understand that his time and attention are very important. In my quest to be a better me I have to understand that I can’t neglect the people who care and make my life easier and better. I can’t be okay with not giving my husband my full attention. Marriage is not easy but I need to put more effort into making sure that I have time for my husband.
I know that at the beginning of the year so many people make goals. Well, I’m about to make a goal in the middle of the year. I’m about to make a one-year goal. People make long-term and short-term goals all the time. And I feel like for me long-term goals work the best. So I have written some things that I want to accomplish this time next year. I have set realistic expectations for my goals. I want to push and stretch myself further than I ever have. I want to be more disciplined in my life when it comes to myself and the things that I want to accomplish. It’s time for me to grow in areas that I have let sit and areas that I have let die in my life. Time to get out of my comfort zone and stretch myself in ways that scare me. Let’s see how much I can accomplish in one year.