I often felt like friendships were so unbreakable and genuine when I was younger. But I was wrong. I learned that some of the friendships that I had were based on who I knew, who I was dating, and what I had. There were two friendships that I had been warned about but I felt that the people who were warning me were wrong. Even though my gut was telling me that they were right. I brought these two into my lives and shared things with them that I wish I could take back. They didn’t intend for our friendship to grow they intended to destroy me and take my then-boyfriend. This was crazy I’m a high school student and you want my boyfriend. So you make it seem like you are friends with me and you make your way into my inner circle trying to gain access to me for what a boy??? This was my first trial of friendships. It came to an end when they tried to fight me over him. That is when I truly knew that they meant me harm. My first mistake was not trusting the people who told me about them and my second mistake was not trusting my gut. To be honest those are relationships that I wish I had never had. They taught me a huge lesson about trusting people and who I give the title of friend to. I have learned that friendship comes with levels. There are the acquaintances and the friend and then the best friend. I don’t tell everyone everything anymore. I learned some huge lessons in high school. But even when I got older I had to learn some even harder lessons with adults that I trusted. Don’t tell everything to everyone. Some friendships I wish I could go back in time and redo or not even have. Lessons are always learned the hard way.
As I’m sitting here sipping on my tea I’m thinking back to a conversation that I had with a friend that is troubling me. I’ve been married for almost ten years now and I feel like flirting and just putting yourself in a situation that you shouldn’t when your married is wrong. So a friend of mine was talking to me about a mutual friend of ours who was in town recently. This mutual friend’s grandmother had passed away and he was here for the funeral. Well, my friend and our mutual friend still stay in touch. But she was telling me that he called her when he got to town and that they went and had lunch. So I stopped the conversation and asked her if she told her husband and she said yes. But I said did you tell him this friend was a male and she got quiet and asked me why should that matter? Well first off I wouldn’t want my husband to have a lunch date with the opposite sex and I not know. Because that just tells me your hiding something that you can’t be trusted. She was like it’s nothing like that they are just friends. But she goes on to let me know that the conversation turns toward them. They were talking about what it would have been like to date and what might be now if they did. Am I wrong for feeling that this is crossing the line? Why even let your mind wander about something like this? What difference does it make your married and he’s married. And second of all where was his wife in all this? Is this what people do in marriages? I just don’t get it. I’m not judging but I’m judging. Needless to say, she said that nothing happened it was only lunch. It scares me to think that people can’t be trusted. There are too many red flags in this situation. Maybe I’m just old fashion. What are your thoughts?
I love learning new lessons, but I don’t love them when I first go through them. Some lessons hurt like hell and you just don’t know what to expect afterward. But this lesson has taught me to stop giving people too much of me. I have/had a really good friend that I have known for years and all through COVID I have been checking on her and making sure she is okay. But one thing that I have noticed is that she never calls or texts to check on me. So during a text that I sent her, I asked her why she never checks on me. She told me why should she, especially since she knows that I will check up on her anyway. She told me that this was my job? Whoa, so this is my job as a friend Ohh okay. I told her that friendship goes both ways and don’t expect someone to do something for you and never get anything in return. I have poured into her and have been a great friend but what I have noticed about her is that she is lazy and doesn’t want to do for someone else. She is a taker and never a giver unless it benefits her. I told her that I can’t have a friendship like this anymore. I’m not going to go out of my way for friendship when you can’t do the same. It hurt because we have been friends for years. She wasn’t always like this. She changed once I got married. I refuse to put all my time and energy into something that isn’t producing anything. I won’t be that person who gives and gives anymore. My friendship tank for her is empty. I can’t anymore. I would rather lose this friendship than lose myself. I’m worth more than what I’m given.
I read a devotional called Yes Sisters, and I believe every woman should have her a Yes Sister. What a Yes Sister is, is someone who will be there for you no matter what you are going through. Someone who will be open and honest with you at all times. Someone who won’t talk about you behind your back but will tell you like it is to your face. I’ve noticed that I have a few of these Yes Sisters in my life and how much I appreciate them. Often women want to compete with one another and I just don’t understand why. Why not encourage, support and commend a woman. Why not fix her crown when it’s crooked. Why not cheer her on and wipe her tears? We don’t need to compete when we are on the same team. Get you some Yes Sisters they will change your life for sure.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about relationships. There have been some relationships that I had lost in 2019 and I’m wondering if I should mend those relationships. But if truth be told some of those relationships should have ended a long time ago. Not everyone is supposed to be with you always. But there is one relationship that I have really been thinking about. This person was my best friend and now we no longer talk. I’m not sure what happened but somewhere along the line we just drifted apart. I know that there is a season in life, but this one is a hard pill to swallow. I’m a very loyal person when it comes to friendships and coming into contact with you. I’m learning that as I get older there are some relationships that are worth holding on to and some relationships that I need to let go of. This is something that I really need to pray about.
I read some different blogs today that talked about tribes and friendships. And I felt like I had to reexamine who and what I consider a friend and tribe members. I was talking to my husband about this earlier and he asked me how do I pick my tribe and friends. And the answer was so simple to me. My tribe is someone loyal and consistent in my life. And friends are people who I have causal conversations and someone that I don’t tell all my business to. Some friends are fun to be around but when it comes to anything complex they don’t get it or have good advice. I’m picky when it comes to my tribe and not everyone is allowed. Friendships are different because they provide laughs and surface conversations. Friends are light and airy to me, but my tribe is complex and won’t let me have a pity party. They tell it like it is whether I like it or not. I value my tribe and my friendships. Do you have a tribe? What’s the difference between your tribe and friendships?
Friendships are so important to me. As I’m going through my journey I spoke with a good friend of mines about my situation. I told her that I’m struggling with being a wife. She was silent for a minute and then she asked me if I ever struggled with being a friend to my husband? I said no. Then she asked me if I struggled with being his girlfriend? I said no. And then she said so why is it so hard being his wife? I told her it’s the word wife, it holds so much power and I’m not sure if I can live up to that word. She told me it’s just a word, it doesn’t make or break you. Being yourself and doing what you are supposed to do is what matters. We put some much power in that word and we try to live up to it. I had to ponder that for a while because she was right. I’m trying to live up to the word and not being who my husband fell in love with.
I put to much time trying to be something that I have seen in others when I should have just been myself. I’m learning that me being me is being a wife. I’m following the bible and I’m submitting and doing all of that. But I took my eyes off of my marriage and was trying to live my marriage as I have seen in other marriages. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only one who is and has struggled in this area. I’m glad to be able to have these types of conversations with other women. I’m learning to understand that being me and making sure my marriage is the best was up to me. I’m very thankful for the friendships that I have because I have strong friendships with women who haven’t turned there back on me when times have gotten hard. I’m blessed to be able to lean on them and gleam from there wisdom. Rich friendships are hard to find. I’m learning to walk on my own path instead of someone else’s path. I’m on a journey to bettering myself.
Have you ever had a really good male friend with whom you could talk to about anything? Someone you could chill with and knew that nothing was going to happen? And then one day they tell you that they have feelings for you. That part really messed me up because I had already been in a relationship with a really good friend and that ended badly for me. That person knew it but wanted to be honest about their feelings anyway. But have you ever stopped to wonder about what might have been? I’m not going to sit here and lie and say I haven’t because I have. I know that this person would have loved me unconditionally and would have seen to it that my every desire was met, but sometimes having a friend who sticks by you is better than not having that friend at all. For me, it was fear of losing a really good friend that might have had become my boyfriend. I can and can’t say that things would or wouldn’t have worked out for us. That we will never know. But to have a real friendship like that is priceless.