Who in your circle is making you better? That was one of the hardest questions that I had to ask myself. Who was making me better? Who was encouraging me and seeking to help me do better in my life? I had to stop and examine the people that are in my life. I had to make some hard choices to let people that I thought that I needed to go. When you mess up do you have people who call you out or just go along with what you did? When you are at your lowest do you have people who will talk to you and encourage you? Or are they not even around? Who in your circle makes you better? I don’t want people in my life who are just there taking up my time and space. I want people who I can go through all seasons of life with. It’s sad to say that my circle is super small right now, which is fine with me. But now that spring is here I had to do some spring friend cleaning. And right now I’m happy where I stand with friends.
As I am taking this time for myself this year. I have noticed that my marriage has grown in ways that I didn’t expect. Or maybe I should say that I have grown in my marriage. I have learned that my husband is truly someone who cares deeply for me. He doesn’t just tell me, but he shows me daily. I wasn’t used to someone wanting the best for me. I wasn’t used to someone who was mature enough for a relationship and all that comes with it. But my husband has shown me that no matter what you go through if you are not friends first, then that relationship might not be right. I say this because I was in a relationship that the person and I weren’t friends. And it didn’t last and there was no trust in it for me. But being his friend first showed me what trust and true friendship looked like. And to this day I don’t take that for granted. I have truly grown in my role as a wife and I feel more comfortable in it. Sounds crazy because we have been married for 11 years. I have witnessed marriages built on everything but friendship. Some people get married because they don’t want to be alone, but can’t stand the person. Some people get married because of the money, thinking that will make the marriage good. Some get married as a business arrangement. But if you can’t be friends then it can’t move on from there. One thing about us is that we value and cherish our friendship.
Am I the only parent that has looked at their friends and wondered why are you hanging out with this person? I have never been the parent who has taught my kids not to be friends with people. I trust them to make their own choices when it comes to friendships. But there are two friends that my daughter has that I just don’t care for. And she hangs with them all the time. One of her friends I just can’t put my finger on this girl but something about her just bothers me and I have told my daughter this. And her other friend well let’s just say this person is pure drama. This person needs attention bad and their personality is just way over the top. My kids have always asked me what I thought about their friends or who they are dating and I have given them my honest opinion. But would it be wrong if I just told my daughter you need to leave these two alone like right now?
Sadly, it takes a pandemic to help you understand friendship. Friendship is a word that I’m not going to use loosely anymore. I need to redefine what I feel a friend truly is. My circle of friends is small anyway but it’s about to get even smaller. For me, I have a best friend, friend, and acquaintance. You are in one of those three categories for me. I only have three best friends, but my “friends” list I’m going to reorganize this list. I’m the type of friend who checks on my friends weekly sometimes 3 times a week. But one thing that I have noticed about some friends is that you always have to be there for them. Whether it’s calling, texting, or providing some type of interaction whether on social media, etc. I just don’t understand if you call yourself a friend why one friend needs to do this and you can’t. I say friend because my best friends I don’t have to worry about this. A few of my friends I have learned this year are selfish and don’t seem to care about anyone else’s needs but their own. Not only that no matter how much support and attention that you give them it’s not enough. If you can support, encourage and always be there for someone but never get that, then why are we friends? I’ve noticed that some people only want you when they want you. I’m still trying to understand why I keep some people around, to begin with. Maybe I want too much out of my friends and maybe it’s not me but for them. Maybe they are only supposed to be with me for a season. Maybe they have served their purpose whatever that was. How do you feel about friendships?
I often felt like friendships were so unbreakable and genuine when I was younger. But I was wrong. I learned that some of the friendships that I had were based on who I knew, who I was dating, and what I had. There were two friendships that I had been warned about but I felt that the people who were warning me were wrong. Even though my gut was telling me that they were right. I brought these two into my lives and shared things with them that I wish I could take back. They didn’t intend for our friendship to grow they intended to destroy me and take my then-boyfriend. This was crazy I’m a high school student and you want my boyfriend. So you make it seem like you are friends with me and you make your way into my inner circle trying to gain access to me for what a boy??? This was my first trial of friendships. It came to an end when they tried to fight me over him. That is when I truly knew that they meant me harm. My first mistake was not trusting the people who told me about them and my second mistake was not trusting my gut. To be honest those are relationships that I wish I had never had. They taught me a huge lesson about trusting people and who I give the title of friend to. I have learned that friendship comes with levels. There are the acquaintances and the friend and then the best friend. I don’t tell everyone everything anymore. I learned some huge lessons in high school. But even when I got older I had to learn some even harder lessons with adults that I trusted. Don’t tell everything to everyone. Some friendships I wish I could go back in time and redo or not even have. Lessons are always learned the hard way.
As I’m sitting here sipping on my tea I’m thinking back to a conversation that I had with a friend that is troubling me. I’ve been married for almost ten years now and I feel like flirting and just putting yourself in a situation that you shouldn’t when your married is wrong. So a friend of mine was talking to me about a mutual friend of ours who was in town recently. This mutual friend’s grandmother had passed away and he was here for the funeral. Well, my friend and our mutual friend still stay in touch. But she was telling me that he called her when he got to town and that they went and had lunch. So I stopped the conversation and asked her if she told her husband and she said yes. But I said did you tell him this friend was a male and she got quiet and asked me why should that matter? Well first off I wouldn’t want my husband to have a lunch date with the opposite sex and I not know. Because that just tells me your hiding something that you can’t be trusted. She was like it’s nothing like that they are just friends. But she goes on to let me know that the conversation turns toward them. They were talking about what it would have been like to date and what might be now if they did. Am I wrong for feeling that this is crossing the line? Why even let your mind wander about something like this? What difference does it make your married and he’s married. And second of all where was his wife in all this? Is this what people do in marriages? I just don’t get it. I’m not judging but I’m judging. Needless to say, she said that nothing happened it was only lunch. It scares me to think that people can’t be trusted. There are too many red flags in this situation. Maybe I’m just old fashion. What are your thoughts?
I love learning new lessons, but I don’t love them when I first go through them. Some lessons hurt like hell and you just don’t know what to expect afterward. But this lesson has taught me to stop giving people too much of me. I have/had a really good friend that I have known for years and all through COVID I have been checking on her and making sure she is okay. But one thing that I have noticed is that she never calls or texts to check on me. So during a text that I sent her, I asked her why she never checks on me. She told me why should she, especially since she knows that I will check up on her anyway. She told me that this was my job? Whoa, so this is my job as a friend Ohh okay. I told her that friendship goes both ways and don’t expect someone to do something for you and never get anything in return. I have poured into her and have been a great friend but what I have noticed about her is that she is lazy and doesn’t want to do for someone else. She is a taker and never a giver unless it benefits her. I told her that I can’t have a friendship like this anymore. I’m not going to go out of my way for friendship when you can’t do the same. It hurt because we have been friends for years. She wasn’t always like this. She changed once I got married. I refuse to put all my time and energy into something that isn’t producing anything. I won’t be that person who gives and gives anymore. My friendship tank for her is empty. I can’t anymore. I would rather lose this friendship than lose myself. I’m worth more than what I’m given.
I read a devotional called Yes Sisters, and I believe every woman should have her a Yes Sister. What a Yes Sister is, is someone who will be there for you no matter what you are going through. Someone who will be open and honest with you at all times. Someone who won’t talk about you behind your back but will tell you like it is to your face. I’ve noticed that I have a few of these Yes Sisters in my life and how much I appreciate them. Often women want to compete with one another and I just don’t understand why. Why not encourage, support and commend a woman. Why not fix her crown when it’s crooked. Why not cheer her on and wipe her tears? We don’t need to compete when we are on the same team. Get you some Yes Sisters they will change your life for sure.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about relationships. There have been some relationships that I had lost in 2019 and I’m wondering if I should mend those relationships. But if truth be told some of those relationships should have ended a long time ago. Not everyone is supposed to be with you always. But there is one relationship that I have really been thinking about. This person was my best friend and now we no longer talk. I’m not sure what happened but somewhere along the line we just drifted apart. I know that there is a season in life, but this one is a hard pill to swallow. I’m a very loyal person when it comes to friendships and coming into contact with you. I’m learning that as I get older there are some relationships that are worth holding on to and some relationships that I need to let go of. This is something that I really need to pray about.
I read some different blogs today that talked about tribes and friendships. And I felt like I had to reexamine who and what I consider a friend and tribe members. I was talking to my husband about this earlier and he asked me how do I pick my tribe and friends. And the answer was so simple to me. My tribe is someone loyal and consistent in my life. And friends are people who I have causal conversations and someone that I don’t tell all my business to. Some friends are fun to be around but when it comes to anything complex they don’t get it or have good advice. I’m picky when it comes to my tribe and not everyone is allowed. Friendships are different because they provide laughs and surface conversations. Friends are light and airy to me, but my tribe is complex and won’t let me have a pity party. They tell it like it is whether I like it or not. I value my tribe and my friendships. Do you have a tribe? What’s the difference between your tribe and friendships?