Daddy issues: Part 1

I have Daddy issues. Yes, I said Daddy issues. As a girl, I never knew what it was like to be daddy’s little girl. To have a close relationship with my dad. My relationship with my dad was built on disappointments and let downs. My dad would lie to me and say that he was coming to see me or get me but it never happens. I remember growing up and only spent two summers with my dad. I believe I was like 4 or 5 and the other when I was 16. But none of those times can I say that I was super close to my dad. Our relationship is weird. He didn’t come to anything that was going on in my life. I was sick and in the hospital my dad wasn’t there. I had three children and my dad was never there. He didn’t see me graduate. He didn’t come to my wedding. I’ve always had this longing for a relationship that I only seem to want to have with my dad. It’s very awkward, to be honest. My parents were married and my dad got another woman pregnant. That hurt my mom and I grew up reaping the effects of a bad marriage. My dad really to me didn’t seem to have any interest in me and it hurt me to the core. And now growing up it’s still the same. Our conversations are very short and it seems like strangers who are trying to force something. There have been times where I have told him how I felt and even wrote him a letter about it. To have the love of a dad would have been great growing up. But I never got to experience that. It was and still is hurtful.

Why do I feel this way:

Yesterday I felt sad for some reason, even after I had prayed and mediated. Then this morning I woke up with the same feeling. Not sure what’s going on. I know that I have been dealing with a lot of emotions as I’m working on myself. But I’m not sure that’s what it is. To be honest I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Has anyone ever experience anything like this?

My weekend:

I must say that my weekend was great. We didn’t do anything at all. I live in the DFW area so Friday there were storms, tornadoes, and hail in some areas. Then on Saturday morning, we had some snow. I was truly excited about the snow because I’m from the Midwest and it doesn’t snow here in Texas. But one of my favorite things about this weekend is the talks that my husband and I had. It was so nice to be able to open my heart and let him know how I was feeling. It made me feel closer to him. I’m learning that people do care about how you feel and what you say. You just have to give them a chance. It was nice to hear my husband say that I’m communicating better with him about my feelings. I’m on this journey to get better as a person, one day at a time. How was your weekend?

Thankful: Day 21

I’m thankful for being a mom. Motherhood is no walk in the park. But I’m thankful that God has seen fit for me to be able to have 3 kids. All my kids are different in their own way. But they are the best. Having children has given me joy, patience, and unconditional love. I’m thankful for all the mistakes that I’ve made being a mother. I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t have children. My kids have taught me lessons that I will carry forever. My children have made me a better person and mother. I’m very grateful for my children.

Thinking out loud:

What is it about me that people know that I’m a haven in their life? I have always been the person that people can come and talk to about anything. I’ve always been there for anyone who needed me, but have you ever felt alone anyway? You can help solve other’s problems but don’t know where to start when it comes to solving your problems? Yeah, this is where I’m at in my life. I go hard for anyone who needs me, but when I need it in return I get a lukewarm response. Why is that? Why can I be the go-to person but I don’t have that. Naw is it me or is it them? I’m not sure, to be honest. I don’t require or ask much. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to and have someone really listen and be there for you. Maybe I’m more complicated then I realize. I don’t know just thinking out loud. But am I alone with how I feel?

Searching:

I’m drifting and floating in the middle of the sea
Searching and praying that someone will find me
I’m lost in my thoughts and the reflection is deep
I’m lost in the sea and it’s just me
How do you reach to the bottom of my soul
I’m lost in my thoughts with nowhere to go
I’m struggling to make sense of all of this mess
I’m lost in the sea and I might be depressed
I’m floating and drifting with no destination in mind
I have lost a sense of reality and maybe even time
I’m here in the sea just me and my thoughts
Sometimes being alone is better than you thought

Above all else:

Above all else love me when I’m not looking my best
Above all else show me when life puts us to the test
Above all else ride with me when I’m lonely and down
Above all else encourage me when no one else is around
Above all else show me what love looks like
Above all else hold me when I’m afraid and cold at night
Above all else need me as I can never be replaced
Above all else tell me I’m beautiful when it doesn’t show on my face
Above all else be real with me, like I’m real with you
Above all else be yourself and not a fake imitation of you
Above all else shine when it’s dark outside
Above all else remember what’s in your heart is hard to find