Yesterday was Father’s Day and it’s always been a strange holiday for me. I don’t have a good relationship with my dad. It’s not like I don’t want one but other things have always been more important to my dad than me. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. My dad would tell me every summer that he was coming to get me and it never happen. I was always watching and waiting and the same excuses year after year was told to me. But a part of me was hurt but more importantly a part of me wanted to be a part of my dad’s life. And as I got older the same story different day was told to me. And I had had enough of broken promises and lies from him. So I don’t talk to him anymore. I have read so many stories of how awesome some dads are and I wish my dad was like that. I always wondered why I wasn’t that important to him. I always wondered why not having me in his life even mattered to him? The older I get the more I have realized people will always be there for those that they want to be there for. As much as it hurts trust me I’m okay with it. I want someone who will show up for me no matter what. Who will love me unconditionally? And I have that in God, so I’m very content. I don’t know when I will talk to my dad again, to be honest. And I’m okay with that. I know what I deserve and need and it’s not someone who will lie to me.
Will things get back to normal again? I mean will we be able to go to the grocery store and be able to get the normal things that we normally get? When will we be able to worship at church again? When will life get back to what it used to be? When can I go to the doctor without wearing a face mask? When can I find toilet paper when I go to the store. When can I go see my grandmother without putting her at risk? This year is so depressing. I feel like so much has happened this year that I’m ready for this year to be over. It’s been hard to blog lately, it’s been overwhelming. I know that things will be different for a while and maybe this is the new normal.
Well, I had my doctor’s appointment yesterday. It wasn’t good news but it wasn’t bad news either. We have a plan and hopefully, it will help. I also had to do an Ambry Genetics test to see if I have any genetics for cancer. I’ve been having so much going on in my life. With my marriage, health and just trying to have a positive mindset about what’s going on in the world. My marriage is very important I’m bad at it, to be honest, but I’m trying to work it out for the best. I’m doing things to improve me so that I can be a better wife and person. My health or lack of knowing what’s going on is stressing me out. But I will be fine no matter what the results are. I hope people understand that life is short and not doing things to help you stay safe and others around you. We have to be patient. With the coronavirus and now these killer bees. A lot is going on and now the class of 2020 is having virtual graduations, which is better than not having graduation at all. We all need to have patience and be kind to one another. We are all going to be better one person at a time.
I’ve seen so many people complain about what’s going on in the world. And to be honest, it’s getting on my nerves, so I posed a question. People complain that they don’t get to spend enough time with there kids, spouse, rediscover a dream, etc so what’s the problem now? The problem is even though we are given this time we still complain. Nothing satisfies people anymore! I truly don’t understand. How about sitting down with yourself and work on you for a better you. How about spend more time with your kids and talk with them to see how they are doing and what’s been going on with them. How about thinking about others besides yourself. Yes, we are all in this together but no one wants to hear you complain day after day. It could be worse and you could be sick and not able to have your family visit you. So please people have some compassion and stop complaining. Everything could be taken away from you but it’s not. There are people without a job who are not complaining, there are people who have lost people who are not complaining. How about being more grateful for what and who you have.
I have Daddy issues. Yes, I said Daddy issues. As a girl, I never knew what it was like to be daddy’s little girl. To have a close relationship with my dad. My relationship with my dad was built on disappointments and let downs. My dad would lie to me and say that he was coming to see me or get me but it never happens. I remember growing up and only spent two summers with my dad. I believe I was like 4 or 5 and the other when I was 16. But none of those times can I say that I was super close to my dad. Our relationship is weird. He didn’t come to anything that was going on in my life. I was sick and in the hospital my dad wasn’t there. I had three children and my dad was never there. He didn’t see me graduate. He didn’t come to my wedding. I’ve always had this longing for a relationship that I only seem to want to have with my dad. It’s very awkward, to be honest. My parents were married and my dad got another woman pregnant. That hurt my mom and I grew up reaping the effects of a bad marriage. My dad really to me didn’t seem to have any interest in me and it hurt me to the core. And now growing up it’s still the same. Our conversations are very short and it seems like strangers who are trying to force something. There have been times where I have told him how I felt and even wrote him a letter about it. To have the love of a dad would have been great growing up. But I never got to experience that. It was and still is hurtful.
Yesterday I felt sad for some reason, even after I had prayed and mediated. Then this morning I woke up with the same feeling. Not sure what’s going on. I know that I have been dealing with a lot of emotions as I’m working on myself. But I’m not sure that’s what it is. To be honest I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Has anyone ever experience anything like this?
I must say that my weekend was great. We didn’t do anything at all. I live in the DFW area so Friday there were storms, tornadoes, and hail in some areas. Then on Saturday morning, we had some snow. I was truly excited about the snow because I’m from the Midwest and it doesn’t snow here in Texas. But one of my favorite things about this weekend is the talks that my husband and I had. It was so nice to be able to open my heart and let him know how I was feeling. It made me feel closer to him. I’m learning that people do care about how you feel and what you say. You just have to give them a chance. It was nice to hear my husband say that I’m communicating better with him about my feelings. I’m on this journey to get better as a person, one day at a time. How was your weekend?
I’m thankful for being a mom. Motherhood is no walk in the park. But I’m thankful that God has seen fit for me to be able to have 3 kids. All my kids are different in their own way. But they are the best. Having children has given me joy, patience, and unconditional love. I’m thankful for all the mistakes that I’ve made being a mother. I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t have children. My kids have taught me lessons that I will carry forever. My children have made me a better person and mother. I’m very grateful for my children.
What is it about me that people know that I’m a haven in their life? I have always been the person that people can come and talk to about anything. I’ve always been there for anyone who needed me, but have you ever felt alone anyway? You can help solve other’s problems but don’t know where to start when it comes to solving your problems? Yeah, this is where I’m at in my life. I go hard for anyone who needs me, but when I need it in return I get a lukewarm response. Why is that? Why can I be the go-to person but I don’t have that. Naw is it me or is it them? I’m not sure, to be honest. I don’t require or ask much. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to and have someone really listen and be there for you. Maybe I’m more complicated then I realize. I don’t know just thinking out loud. But am I alone with how I feel?
I’m drifting and floating in the middle of the sea
Searching and praying that someone will find me
I’m lost in my thoughts and the reflection is deep
I’m lost in the sea and it’s just me
How do you reach to the bottom of my soul
I’m lost in my thoughts with nowhere to go
I’m struggling to make sense of all of this mess
I’m lost in the sea and I might be depressed
I’m floating and drifting with no destination in mind
I have lost a sense of reality and maybe even time
I’m here in the sea just me and my thoughts
Sometimes being alone is better than you thought