I have wasted a lot of time this year. This year just like last year has had me down. So much uncertainty and not knowing what was happening. But more than that I have wasted a lot of time doing nothing. I could have had my book written by now and done some other things. But I have put a lot of that on the back burner. Yes, I still write for my book now and then. But I’m not consistent with it. I had this drive and passion to write, I still do at times. But I’m not gonna lie I have no motivation. There are other things that I feel like I should be concentrating on right now. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t get my butt in gear and do the things that I’m passionate about right? There are times that I feel defeated. The job search is stressing me out, not feeling like I’m doing enough to bring in income is stressing me out. Having just said they need help only to tell you that you’re overqualified for the job. Having others succeed and want you to celebrate with them, but not feeling like it. No this isn’t a pity party post just expressing how I’m feeling right now. I have so much to be grateful for right now that I do understand. And I know that things will work themselves out. But how to get over this funk is what is breaking me right now.
Thank you for all the love that I received in my last post. It truly means a lot to me and to know that I’m not alone at all in how I feel. Yesterday I was talking to my husband trying to find the words to explain how I was feeling. And he took the words right out of my mouth. Every feeling that I had felt and am feeling he knew. How did he know because he went through the same thing that I’m going through now You should have seen the look on my face like you were going through this also? I honestly thought that it was just a women’s thing and that my husband would never understand. Well, he understood and even gave me some advice. Some tips on what he did and how it helped him. Prayer is a huge part but also knowing it’s okay to reflect on these feelings to see if something is missing. Also just being by myself to reflect on these feelings. He also suggested this app that has helped him. I will let you know if the app has helped me. But it felt so good that he understood what I was going through and also my blogging community. I honestly felt like I was the only one going through this. So yesterday I brought my notebook and pen to the living room and just laid them down. And something sparked me to start writing. It wasn’t a lot but it was a starting point. I plan on listening to the app today and see if I can write a few more words today. This journey is interesting, to say the least, but I’m glad that I’m not alone in it.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just existing. I feel like I’m wandering around without a purpose or point to life. I have had a few things rock me this week that has caused me to question so much. I don’t have the same passion for writing or reading anymore. I feel like either I’m going through a phase or it’s something deeper that I just don’t understand. Just trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings.
We are going on four days without water. We have been boiling snow to flush the toilet, wash our hands and bathe with. My husband was able to find one pack of water yesterday. Texas is running out of gas and food. And on top of that, I’m just irritated. I just feel trapped in this apartment with no way out. It’s not like I would go anywhere anyway it’s just the freedom to walk around my neighborhood or sit on the porch. It’s way too cold for all that. I’m ready for some water. We have been eating snacks because you can’t cook or clean without water. And the more snow we get the more we have to get. I’m just over it right now.
I’m naturally a feeling person. And when I feel a certain way it’s hard for me to not feel that way anymore. As a parent, I want nothing but the best for my children. I don’t tell my kids how to live their lives but I do try to direct and guide them when it’s asked. For some reason no matter how I try to guide my daughter it always seems to be the opposite with her. She wasn’t feeling good yesterday and I as mom was helping her, but then her friend calls and takes her for ice cream. Talk about a slap in the face. I have had it with her. I feel like no matter what I do or say she will do what she wants anyway. And I want to help her, but honestly, I feel like she needs to bump her head and learn the hard way in life. No matter what I say it’s her friends always. Well, we are going to see how many of your friends will care if you caught COVID our not get a scholarship for next semester. How many of your friends are going, to be honest about you doing what you need to do for things to be better for you in the future? It’s frustrating because she is such a bright girl but just so naive when it comes to who has your back. I think it’s time for me to let go and let God. I have prayed about it and have spoken to her about it but only God can move her heart. We’ll keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This is hard for me right now.
I’m the type of person who can make friends easily. But have you ever no matter how many friends you have felt lonely? Have you felt like no matter how much interaction you have with people you still feel alone?
I’m just trying to have a conversation with you
But you don’t hear me and you say it’s not true
Stop trying to fix me and listen to my heart
I have so much to say but where do I start
You interrupt me like you know what I’m about to say
You can’t understand why you push me away
I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs
Are you finish are you done
You don’t know what it means to be friends
How do I start and where do I begin
You don’t see the pain deep in my heart
You use to always listen to me from the start
What has changed and what has gone wrong
I just need you to be my friend, so what went wrong
Stop trying to fix what’s not broken
My heart is on the verge of about to be broken
I don’t know how much more I can take
I use to love how you listen and supported me
But that’s all gone and there is no more of me
Yesterday was Father’s Day and it’s always been a strange holiday for me. I don’t have a good relationship with my dad. It’s not like I don’t want one but other things have always been more important to my dad than me. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. My dad would tell me every summer that he was coming to get me and it never happen. I was always watching and waiting and the same excuses year after year was told to me. But a part of me was hurt but more importantly a part of me wanted to be a part of my dad’s life. And as I got older the same story different day was told to me. And I had had enough of broken promises and lies from him. So I don’t talk to him anymore. I have read so many stories of how awesome some dads are and I wish my dad was like that. I always wondered why I wasn’t that important to him. I always wondered why not having me in his life even mattered to him? The older I get the more I have realized people will always be there for those that they want to be there for. As much as it hurts trust me I’m okay with it. I want someone who will show up for me no matter what. Who will love me unconditionally? And I have that in God, so I’m very content. I don’t know when I will talk to my dad again, to be honest. And I’m okay with that. I know what I deserve and need and it’s not someone who will lie to me.
Will things get back to normal again? I mean will we be able to go to the grocery store and be able to get the normal things that we normally get? When will we be able to worship at church again? When will life get back to what it used to be? When can I go to the doctor without wearing a face mask? When can I find toilet paper when I go to the store. When can I go see my grandmother without putting her at risk? This year is so depressing. I feel like so much has happened this year that I’m ready for this year to be over. It’s been hard to blog lately, it’s been overwhelming. I know that things will be different for a while and maybe this is the new normal.
Well, I had my doctor’s appointment yesterday. It wasn’t good news but it wasn’t bad news either. We have a plan and hopefully, it will help. I also had to do an Ambry Genetics test to see if I have any genetics for cancer. I’ve been having so much going on in my life. With my marriage, health and just trying to have a positive mindset about what’s going on in the world. My marriage is very important I’m bad at it, to be honest, but I’m trying to work it out for the best. I’m doing things to improve me so that I can be a better wife and person. My health or lack of knowing what’s going on is stressing me out. But I will be fine no matter what the results are. I hope people understand that life is short and not doing things to help you stay safe and others around you. We have to be patient. With the coronavirus and now these killer bees. A lot is going on and now the class of 2020 is having virtual graduations, which is better than not having graduation at all. We all need to have patience and be kind to one another. We are all going to be better one person at a time.