Since sharing about my depression some days seem harder than others. And today is one of those days. But I will keep my head up and keep pushing through. We all have days like this. And I know that this is just one more obstacle in my way. Just know that sometimes we have to come up for air. Meaning don’t take everything personal, sometimes things just happen and they don’t have anything to do with you. Im definitely coming up for air today. I hope you all are having a great day.
Where should I begin… I guess at the beginning. I have never been depressed before. I have known many people who have and as I look back I made judgments. Well, one reason was that what they were experiencing and projecting on the outside I wasn’t dealing with it that way. I wasn’t sleeping all day or moody. I wasn’t locked in my room or didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was the same old me, but different. I didn’t know know what it was at first. I was sad all the time, but I kept up this face like everything was okay.
I said to myself whatever I’m dealing with or going through I will handle it on my own. Well, let me go back and explain how all this started. Last year I lost my job in September and it took me many months just to get one. I felt like a failure in so many ways. But I masked how I felt with a smile and made sure that everyone else was okay. Our bank account kept getting low and my husband and I were going through it. But I kept believing that I would be okay. I kept feeling like whatever I was dealing with I would be fine.
At this time I was in counseling but I never talked to my counselor about what I was dealing with inside. We talked about other things during my session. I felt like I could deal with whatever I was going through on my own. Well, it got so bad that I would cry myself to sleep. I didn’t know how to talk about everything that I was going through. My focus was on finding a job so that we don’t have to worry about having one income anymore.
I felt hopeless but I was waking up every morning and going about my day like I was perfectly fine until I wasn’t. My husband voiced his concern to me regarding what I could do more to help out. And well I just lost it. All the sadness, hopelessness and just plain old I can’t fix me anymore just came out. As you can imagine my husband had no clue that I was going through this. I can make this look great when inside I’m dying. With all this out the weight of my depression felt somewhat light. But I still had a long way to go. I stopped going to counseling because the money was low.
So I started to do some research and I came across some great articles that changed my life. I was going to be okay. I have depression but not so bad that I need medicine. I have found some great tips to help me deal with it. I’m really taking the time out to work on myself. I know that a lot of people on my blog have reached out because I wasn’t blogging like I use to and to be honest I didn’t want anyone to know what I was struggling with. But right now I’m ready to talk. I might not be blogging as much as I use to but know that I’m working on myself to be a better me. I’m getting better but I feel that there are some areas that I need to concentrate more on.
It helps that I have a job that I really like and that I have people who care. Knowing that I have a community of fellow bloggers who have my back and care about me means the world to me. I might be struggling with some things right now, but just know it’s not going to last forever. This pandemic has been a struggle for everyone. Everyone has been going through it whether they tell you or not. Just know that you and I will get through this together. It takes one day at a time and one step at a time. If you have any tips or suggestions I’m open to hearing them. So smile I’m going to be okay.
This morning as I was making breakfast a thought hit me. Do I know how to spot someone with depression? What an odd question because the answer would be yes. My mom has depression and I have known others who have it as well. I’ve had mild depression off and on but I have always been able to get out of it. I’ve seen people depressed and act out in ways that are signaling that they need help. I don’t know Tamar Braxton personally but watching her on tv at first I just thought that she was seeking attention. But then the more that I became to see her I was like something is wrong with her. Just because celebrities have money and fame doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems. We all have problems and always will. But the thing that I don’t like is when we talk down about people who are dealing with things that we may not have experienced or know anyone dealing with this. Look I don’t have all the answers but trying to kill yourself is not the answer. Please if you’re dealing with depression and it’s getting hard. Please find someone to talk to our go see someone. Life is real and the problems that we deal with are real also. Death is not the answer. I don’t know what she was going through our dealing with that made this the only option but I do pray that she will get a support system around her who will love and encourage her.
I was so excited for 2020 because I was so excited about getting me together this year. And now I feel lost this week. I’ve been down this week because I feel like I’m letting my husband and myself down. I feel like I’m not living up to my potential. I haven’t written for my book in two weeks, I have not meditated this week and I haven’t felt like getting out of bed this week. I’m in a funk and I don’t know how to get out of it. Maybe I do. Maybe I need to start speaking life into my life. Yes, I don’t have a job but my husband still loves me. No, I haven’t written for my book but that doesn’t mean I’m worthless. I know that I will and can break out of this funk. I need to really get back to me. I know that I will in time. Prayers are needed. Thank you.
He leads an okay life. He has a wife and kids that love him and enjoy spending time with him. But what he really desires is friendships. He won’t always text or call you because he’s not that type of person. It’s not that he doesn’t want to do these things it’s just when he does do them nothing happens. When you want interaction whether it’s at work or other places ( besides home) and you don’t get it, that can lead to questioning yourself and your worth. Why don’t people reach out to him? Why isn’t he invited to places? Why don’t people try to get to know him?