What stinks?:

There are many things that stink, our garbage, your teenager and at times our attitude. I’m learning that my attitude so far this year hasn’t been the best. I had the whoa is me attitude, but there are so many people who are dealing with worse who’s attitude is so much better. I needed to step back in get out of my pity party and understand that what I’m going through is to make me better and stronger. This is a learning lesson that I have failed. Everything in life is a learning lesson but it’s how you treat the lesson. You can either have your pity party and keep going through the same thing or you can learn the lesson. I’m learning that it’s not about me and what I want on my time. It’s about God timing and how I need to learn to be patient in the process. Yes life can stink and my attitude was very funky but not anymore. I’m learning to be content in any season that I’m in. I’m a work in progress and I’m learning daily.

Love language:

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I’m the type of person who loves the little things. And my husband did just that. I hate all things that have to do with fixing anything. So my truck needed new brakes and my tire patched. So on my husband’s day off he did this for me, plus going grocery shopping with me. It’s the little things that really touch my heart. It’s my love language. And when you speak my love language well it warms my heart. So I’m learning to never take for granted the little things because they matter so much.

New Journey:

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A new month and a new journey. I’m still trying to figure out what God is preparing me for. I’m still out of work and my health well……. I went to the doctor and I’m waiting to be scheduled for a CT scan because I’m still having issues. My breastbone is very tender along with chest pain not sure what’s going on. So as I wait I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing? To be honest I feel bored. I pray, read devotionals, cook, clean, read, write and look for jobs but I feel like this is my daily cycle. But I feel like I’m in a waiting season. But what am I waiting for? I’m trusting God to help prepare me for my purpose. Or maybe he is preparing me but I’m missing the point. Either way, I’m okay, because I would rather deal with my health issues now than when I start working. What does your journey look like?

I want to win:

There will always be winners and losers in life. I felt like a loser last month. So much has happened to me in one month. I felt defeated and miserable. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of this funk. But nothing comes to those who don’t fight. You can’t fight your way out of depression if you don’t take a step. You can’t fight your way to a better marriage if you don’t take a step. I knew that I didn’t want to lose myself, marriage and life being down. I wanted to win this war that was in my life. I never knew what it meant to be low until last month. I felt like I could sleep and never wake up. Yeah, I felt that way. You don’t win anything not trying. I wanted to fight this dark cloud that was hanging over my head. And I have been. See I’m not going to be a loser. I want to win this war over my life. I don’t take my life for granted or people. So either you’re going to get up and do something or your going to stay defeated. I use to be very competitive in sports and I always wanted to win because losing wasn’t an option for me. I worked too hard training and winning was the only way for me. I’m keeping that mentality right now. Whatever is going on in my life I want to win. How about you? Do you want to win?

Restart button:

Okay, it’s time to hit the reset button on my life. This year I made a vision board about words. Speaking life and speaking good things. So far that hasn’t been what I’ve done. I have done the opposite of this. So it’s time to hit the reset button and do things over again. Just because I have been down doesn’t mean that I’m out. Just because things haven’t gone as planned doesn’t mean greatness isn’t coming. See I look at what’s happening now and not what God is preparing me for. I think that nothing is going to change but it won’t if I keep thinking negatively. So here’s the hitting the restart button in my life. What do you need to hit the restart button on?

Thinking:

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Why does tragedy make us take time to think about life? Why does it take someone passing or sick to think about our lives and the ones that we love? It’s sad to say that I’ve been processing my life since the passing of Kobe Bryant and others. I’m on a journey of doing better and being better, but this took the wind out of me. Life is short and we take people for granted. We think that our loved ones will always be here, but sadly they won’t. I’ve had to step back and examine myself and how I go about things. I don’t take time and people for granted. I say I love you more and make more of an effort to be all there for them. My heart is truly different now and I don’t look at life the same anymore.

I’m searching:

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I’m searching for something, but what could it be
I’m searching for joy inside of me
They say that trouble don’t last always
And yes I know this to be true
Love is more powerful than being sad and blue
I’m searching for something, but what could it be
Those eyes seem familiar that is staring back at me
I’m searching for joy inside of me
They say that trouble don’t last always
I’m searching for something, but what could it be
Why am I searching it’s already inside of me

Life and death:

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Today everyone has heard the news regarding Kobe Bryant, his daughter, and the other passengers. Death is always painful and sad. But this could have been anyone’s dad and daughter. Husband and daughter. Son and granddaughter. The passing of these people that I have never met in my life put a lot of things into perspective. Life is short. Kobe is a year younger than me, and death doesn’t have an age limit. I want to hug my husband longer and tighter, I don’t want to argue about things that don’t matter. I want to hug my daughter tighter and tell her I love her more. I want my sons to know that I will always have there back. People life is way to short to not take your life and the life of others in perspective. Love people like you won’t see them tomorrow. Tell people what you want to tell them while you still have time. Give people their flowers while they are still alive. As I reflect on my time off this weekend I wish I could have said nicer things to my husband. Just because I didn’t feel good doesn’t mean I need to have an attitude. I’m learning and going to do better.

Love is patient:

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Love is patient love is kind. I’m trying to strive for this in my life. I’m learning that the older that I get the less patience that I have. I feel like I’m kind but I could be kinder. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t use age as an excuse for my impatience because I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. I don’t like being late, I don’t like waiting on other people and if you don’t get it done I will do it for you. WOW okay, I have issues. So this morning my daughter was saying that she needed to wash clothes because she was low. So I took it upon myself to wash some clothes for her this morning. And as I go into her room I decided to start cleaning it up. After pulling clothes that were on her floor in her closet I completely lost it. First of all, I should be taking care of myself, but I never do. Second of all, I have helped her clean her room so many times I can’t even count. And now I’m pissed because I feel like I’m being taken for granted. The only thing that I ask of my daughter is to keep her grades up ( which she does), clean her room and bathroom and help around the house. I don’t ask for much really, but she is grown now. Some may not think 18 is grown but to me your old enough where someone shouldn’t have to keep telling you the same thing over and over again. So I’m done. No more nice mom or as she calls me momma bear. Nice gloves are coming off and we are going to have a nice talk tonight. At some point, you have got to want to do better for yourself. I will help my children and any way possible but you have to help yourself first. I don’t know if it’s because she’s a girl or the last child but I give her to much slack. Not anymore. It’s time to grow up and do better. Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this???

Past friendships:

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about relationships. There have been some relationships that I had lost in 2019 and I’m wondering if I should mend those relationships. But if truth be told some of those relationships should have ended a long time ago. Not everyone is supposed to be with you always. But there is one relationship that I have really been thinking about. This person was my best friend and now we no longer talk. I’m not sure what happened but somewhere along the line we just drifted apart. I know that there is a season in life, but this one is a hard pill to swallow. I’m a very loyal person when it comes to friendships and coming into contact with you. I’m learning that as I get older there are some relationships that are worth holding on to and some relationships that I need to let go of. This is something that I really need to pray about.