Stronger:

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You never know how strong you are until you have to be. I felt like everything within me was giving up. It was the worse pain that I have ever felt, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I didn’t want to deal with it. Maybe, I thought it would go away on its own if I didn’t acknowledge the pain within me. But I had to, I’ve dealt with this storm to many times from too many people. And yet when the same storm from a different person, came I couldn’t handle it. It hurt too much to handle, it. Why does this keep happening to me? Why do I not feel good enough? But God whispered something so powerful to me. He said you are enough. I had forgiven this person but the pain was way more than I knew how to bare. What do you do next? I prayed and cried and prayed and cried. And then it hit me that the person that caused me the pain was in pain also. I had to look at the situation and understand that the enemy will try to knock you down at all costs. I was going to be alright I just had to understand that how I see the situation isn’t how the situation is. I had to learn true forgiveness at that moment and also that people deal with things that we just don’t know about. When you going through situations it might be easy for the person who has never struggled or dealt with it to give you all kinds of suggestions. But if you have never been in that situation, it’s also easy to condemn that person as well. We all deal with things, whether it’s in secret or not. I had to put myself in that person’s shoes and ask myself what, would I want someone to do for me? Sometimes you have to love someone through their issues. Giving up is always easy but staying is hard.

Understanding:

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There is something about reading a good blog that does something for me. But then there is something about blogs that are so negative and disrespectful that make me think are they okay? I’m being truly serious right now. If you feel like something that I am writing about on my blog is disrespectful then please call me out about it. I know that people are allowed to write whatever they want on their blogs but people please use some common sense. You can hide behind your writing but trust me your true intentions are known. I have been coming across some nasty blogs and I’m wondering are they okay? Like what has happened to you for you to be so nasty on your blog? I write about my life and what I’m dealing with. And I admit I’m learning but people please stop and think about the words that you write before you write them. If your words are hurtful and insulting then maybe you shouldn’t write them. I understand we can express ourselves however we want to. But at the end of the day, our words have life and death. And some of the blogs that I read even though my views are different made me feel some type of way. I believe in grace. You may dislike a group of people or whatever but words hurt. And the moral of this post is that if your okay writing those words and there is no conviction in you then something is truly wrong with you. It’s your blog and you have the right to write what you want but please try to be understanding and sensitive to other people.

Question:

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So I have a question for all my writers and authors out there. So here is the question: When you have a rough draft who do you let read it? Do you find beta readers, friends or do you pay someone to read your rough draft? I’m in the process of wanting to have someone read my rough draft. But I’m at the point that I’m not sure if someone will read it to give me the feedback that I need or if someone is reading it to steal my story. So this is the question that I’m asking.

Change is coming:

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I’m learning that there are areas in my life where I need to change. But change is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. Trust me I don’t like giving up control so to speak. But there are areas in my life where I need to be vulnerable and how to really trust others. More importantly, I need to not be afraid to give my all in things and people. I noticed that my mood and behavior changes to fit the environment or the people around me. And I need to understand that I control my mood and how I feel not anyone else. This is something that I really need to work on. I see my faults and shortcomings and I have to understand that there are changes that I need to make. I’m committed to improving me.

Letter to my 20 year old self:

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When I was in my 20’s I couldn’t have imagined where my life would lead me. But now that I’m in my 40’s life has been a true adventure. Listen I know your struggling with love and understanding love. You have had your heart broken so many times just by being yourself. And trust me there is nothing wrong with being yourself, your going to find that special someone that God has just for you. Trust me I know, I’m in the future. You’re doing a great job with your kids, keep it up. Trust me they hear you and understand the wisdom that you are giving them. You’re a dreamer and it’s okay to dream but you must get your head out of the clouds. You have always been a risker taker and you will continue to be one. Do me a favor and work on you and loving you, because now that you’re in your 40’s you’re doing this. Understand that everything doesn’t need to lead to a misunderstanding. Hear the person out and listen to there heart. It’s okay to have time to yourself we all need it. Please learn to say no before you hit 40, it’s really important. Remember who you are and whose you are. God created a wonderful woman even though you don’t always feel this way. Don’t be so hard on yourself we all go through things, but the important thing is to learn and grow. People will come and go out of your life and it’s okay don’t take it personally. You’re going to meet some truly amazing people along the way. Your doing great don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Trust me your 40’s will be different.

Coming to an end:

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I’m realizing that I’m holding on to things that need to come to an end. Some relationships have run there course, and instead of becoming better, I ended up worse. Looking back not quite sure why I have stayed around for people. I always end up getting hurt in the end. Some days you feel like okay I’m making progress and other days you feel like why even try. I’m at the way even try anymore stage right now. I’m learning that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever.

What if:

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So many people are sitting at home bored out of there minds. What happened to those long lost dreams that you had? You have time to write that book, paint that picture, clean the closet, etc. You have time on your hands to realize your dreams and see what you can make of it. What about the conversation that you need to have with your spouse? What about the journal that you wanted to start? It’s time to make the impossible, possible again. Dreams don’t die, they just linger in our lives. What would happen if you could find your passion? What would happen if you worked on your marriage? Your relationship with God? This is a blessing that some may not see as a blessing. What are you doing with your time?

How are you doing?:

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How is everyone doing? I know with everything going on we forget about ourselves. Please take care of yourself and do self-health care. I’m doing great. I have 2 phone interviews this week. I’m super excited about this since most companies are not doing any hiring at this time. With my daughter being out of school and my husband working from home, it’s been fun. I love the fact that we can do what we need to do without getting on one another’s nerves. It’s nice but still stressful not knowing what each day will bring. I know that my anxiety has been bad but I have to understand that we are all sacred and uncertain. Everyone, please take care of yourselves and your love ones.

What if there is no graduation:

I want everyone to be safe and to not hoard all the supplies. But I’m going to say this and yes I feel selfish but my daughter graduates from high school in May. And to be honest it’s going to hurt if she doesn’t get to walk to get her diploma. My last child and I may not get to see her graduate. It hurts but I know the importance of staying safe. I’m being honest about how I feel. She has to do online schooling right now because her school is closed this week. But this is just how I feel. Safety is so important right now and if I can’t see her graduate then I have to be okay with this.

My marriage:

I’ve been married for 9 years, and I wish I would have had some advice about marriage before I got married. If I could go back in time and tell my newly engaged self anything it would be this. 

  1. It’s okay not to know what your doing everyone feels this way.
  2. It’s okay to be vulnerable with your husband he has your back
  3. Not everything is worthy of getting an attitude about
  4. Know that you are going to have rough times but the true test of your marriage is working it out.
  5. Just because his parents don’t like you doesn’t mean you need to take it out on him.
  6. You don’t have to be right about everything, winning is not always important.

As I have become more seasoned in my marriage I’m realizing that doing life with my husband is so much fun. I don’t need to win every argument. I don’t need to tell him what he is doing wrong all the time. I need to love and support him. I need him to know that when he comes home from work I am his comfort. I don’t always do things right in my marriage but I’m working at it. I felt like love would get me through my marriage, but now I understand it’s commitment. I’m committed to not giving up when it gets hard. I’m committed to doing my best daily. I’m still learning and growing, but I appreciate my marriage more today than ever.