Friendships:

Friendships are so important to me. As I’m going through my journey I spoke with a good friend of mines about my situation. I told her that I’m struggling with being a wife. She was silent for a minute and then she asked me if I ever struggled with being a friend to my husband? I said no. Then she asked me if I struggled with being his girlfriend? I said no. And then she said so why is it so hard being his wife? I told her it’s the word wife, it holds so much power and I’m not sure if I can live up to that word. She told me it’s just a word, it doesn’t make or break you. Being yourself and doing what you are supposed to do is what matters. We put some much power in that word and we try to live up to it. I had to ponder that for a while because she was right. I’m trying to live up to the word and not being who my husband fell in love with.
I put to much time trying to be something that I have seen in others when I should have just been myself. I’m learning that me being me is being a wife. I’m following the bible and I’m submitting and doing all of that. But I took my eyes off of my marriage and was trying to live my marriage as I have seen in other marriages. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only one who is and has struggled in this area. I’m glad to be able to have these types of conversations with other women. I’m learning to understand that being me and making sure my marriage is the best was up to me. I’m very thankful for the friendships that I have because I have strong friendships with women who haven’t turned there back on me when times have gotten hard. I’m blessed to be able to lean on them and gleam from there wisdom. Rich friendships are hard to find. I’m learning to walk on my own path instead of someone else’s path. I’m on a journey to bettering myself.

Writing:

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One thing about writing is that I get to bare my soul on paper. The one thing about writing for me is that I’m able to be completely honest about my feelings. I’m very proud of myself for taking the time out to work on my book and let my emotions flow. Writing is not as easy as it seems, well not for me anyway because I write from the soul. I’m learning that honesty within my self is the best. I’m learning that being honest with others is helpful also. Writing takes me to a whole nother level within myself. I’m having to face things that I otherwise would not want to face. So during my journey of working on me, I’m telling my story through my book. I’m a work in progress.

Heart issue:

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Last year ended not very good for me. I felt like I wanted to end my marriage. I felt like separation was the best option. But something was tugging at my heart about why I wanted to leave my husband. I didn’t want to face the truth about my feelings so I placed the blame all on him when all of it wasn’t his fault. I felt like being away from him would make things better, but it wouldn’t because I hadn’t dealt with what I’m going through. Why was I so quick to throw in the towel of my marriage? My marriage wasn’t horrible, it was nice. Do we argue yes, but who doesn’t? My anger and feelings of rejection I took out on him. What others had done to me I took out on him. I left the pain that others had caused me to want to end my marriage. How stupid is that?????? Very if you ask me. I was mad at the wrong person and wanted to leave the wrong person because people had left me. How was that fair? I said some mean and horrible things to my husband in anger because of how others treated me. I’m very thankful to have a patient husband that doesn’t give up on me. I was ready to end 9 years of marriage because of what other people had done to me. I’m learning. I’m not perfect in marriage but I’m trying. I realize that would have been the worse decision that I could have ever made if I had gone through with it. The moral of this post is married couples please look deeper at what the real issue could be. Let’s stop divorcing over things that won’t matter two days from now. You’re not going to agree on everything, you’re not gonna like something the other person loves. But dig deeper into your heart and see what your true issue might be. I have a heart issue that I’m dealing with because I have let so many cause me pain. Don’t let your heart issue cost you your marriage.

How I’m doing:

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I know some of you are wondering how I’m doing, well, to be honest, I’m doing great. I know that this year has just started and you know that I have been dealing with a lot. But the key to me doing great is that I’m taking it one day at a time. One step at a time. I’m not trying to rush anything. One thing that I realized about myself is that past issues have caused me a lot of pain that I wasn’t willing to deal with, but now I am. The fact that I don’t have a job right now has allowed me to take time to work on me and heal wounds. But I’m looking for a job because doesn’t grow on trees. I’m learning to have patience with myself as well as others. I feel like my tiny steps are helping me grow and do things a lot better. I’m a work in progress and I will get there.

I’m smiling:

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I woke up smiling this morning from ear to ear. It’s been a while since I truly smiled. I’m a physical touch type of person. And last night was the first night in a while where I wanted to snuggle and get close to my husband. And it was like all my sadness just melted. My heart was truly unthawing toward whatever I felt about him. Upon closer examination, I understand that all of what I’ve been dealing with isn’t about my marriage but about me. It felt so good to be close to him again. I’m a work in progress, one step at a time.

Life:

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I’ve been meditating for about a couple of weeks now. And one thing that I have noticed is how less stressed I am after I have mediated. It’s the best feeling in the world, but how do you make that feeling last all day? I know one step at a time young grasshopper. I want to cram so much into 2020 and it’s only started. But I need to learn patience and to go with the flow. My life still a work in progress. It’s like peeling back layers of an onion. I will get their one day but for right now one step at a time.

Get out of this funk:

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I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling down. I don’t understand why it’s hard for people to let others grow. When people find so many issues with others and they don’t stop and think about anyone but themselves it makes it hard. But as always I’m going to push forward because like it or not I’m getting me back. When you are there to help others and don’t take the time to better you well that’s when problems happen. Love you, respect you and give yourself the time you need to grow and be the best version of you. It’s time to get out of my funk and spend some time with me.

Thank You:

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I would like to thank everyone for holding me down this year. Thank you for the encouragement and love you have shown me. I don’t know what I would do without my writing community. Words can’t express how much I love you all. 2020 writing community we are going to do some great things. Happy New Year’s Eve.

What I need to work on:

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Well as 2019 is coming to an end I have so much to work on in 2020. I’m a very honest and open person………….whoa wait a minute did I just say open. No, I’m not open I hide my feelings a lot. Yes, I need to work on this by 1000%. This weekend has taught me that I’m not happy and my life well is not as good as it seems. While I feel like there are problems some may not because well my communication skills suck. Yes, I said it sucks. Here is a list of things that I really need to work on in 2020.

  1. My marriage-my communication sucks in this area and not being able to really let someone know how I feel. Well, this weekend was the worse because I told my husband that I feel like I’m living in hell. Yes, I said hell. Not good I know right?
  2. My books-I need to be more dedicated to my writing. I don’t write as much as I want to because I get discouraged at times. But no more excuses. I’m finishing at least one book in 2020. 
  3. Communication-Yes I need to work on this because I hold everything inside. I have always been the type to keep my feelings inside. I’m a surface talker. I have never really wanted to go deep or even talk about my feelings. 

So these are the three main things that I’m going to be working on in the New Year. Yes, I’m working on myself because I’m always a work in progress. I will keep you updated on how I’m doing in the coming New Year. 

Rebirth of me:

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It’s time to bring me back. 2020 is going to be the rebirth of me. No more hiding my feelings, no more giving my all to people. I’m taking me back with a vengeance. I have always been there to help others succeed, dream and listen to. I have given and given and the disappointments are exhausting. Welp, no more I’m coming back. My light has been dimed but no more. No more being hurt by words, no more helping others just for them to not help me. No more sacrificing my time and energy for them. Hello Me I’m BACK. And I’m not going anywhere ever again. Hello me good to have you back I have missed you like crazy. 2020 is about to be a great year for me I don’t know about other’s but I’m back.