I’m smiling:

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I woke up smiling this morning from ear to ear. It’s been a while since I truly smiled. I’m a physical touch type of person. And last night was the first night in a while where I wanted to snuggle and get close to my husband. And it was like all my sadness just melted. My heart was truly unthawing toward whatever I felt about him. Upon closer examination, I understand that all of what I’ve been dealing with isn’t about my marriage but about me. It felt so good to be close to him again. I’m a work in progress, one step at a time.

Life:

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I’ve been meditating for about a couple of weeks now. And one thing that I have noticed is how less stressed I am after I have mediated. It’s the best feeling in the world, but how do you make that feeling last all day? I know one step at a time young grasshopper. I want to cram so much into 2020 and it’s only started. But I need to learn patience and to go with the flow. My life still a work in progress. It’s like peeling back layers of an onion. I will get their one day but for right now one step at a time.

Get out of this funk:

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I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling down. I don’t understand why it’s hard for people to let others grow. When people find so many issues with others and they don’t stop and think about anyone but themselves it makes it hard. But as always I’m going to push forward because like it or not I’m getting me back. When you are there to help others and don’t take the time to better you well that’s when problems happen. Love you, respect you and give yourself the time you need to grow and be the best version of you. It’s time to get out of my funk and spend some time with me.

Thank You:

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I would like to thank everyone for holding me down this year. Thank you for the encouragement and love you have shown me. I don’t know what I would do without my writing community. Words can’t express how much I love you all. 2020 writing community we are going to do some great things. Happy New Year’s Eve.

What I need to work on:

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Well as 2019 is coming to an end I have so much to work on in 2020. I’m a very honest and open person………….whoa wait a minute did I just say open. No, I’m not open I hide my feelings a lot. Yes, I need to work on this by 1000%. This weekend has taught me that I’m not happy and my life well is not as good as it seems. While I feel like there are problems some may not because well my communication skills suck. Yes, I said it sucks. Here is a list of things that I really need to work on in 2020.

  1. My marriage-my communication sucks in this area and not being able to really let someone know how I feel. Well, this weekend was the worse because I told my husband that I feel like I’m living in hell. Yes, I said hell. Not good I know right?
  2. My books-I need to be more dedicated to my writing. I don’t write as much as I want to because I get discouraged at times. But no more excuses. I’m finishing at least one book in 2020. 
  3. Communication-Yes I need to work on this because I hold everything inside. I have always been the type to keep my feelings inside. I’m a surface talker. I have never really wanted to go deep or even talk about my feelings. 

So these are the three main things that I’m going to be working on in the New Year. Yes, I’m working on myself because I’m always a work in progress. I will keep you updated on how I’m doing in the coming New Year. 

Rebirth of me:

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It’s time to bring me back. 2020 is going to be the rebirth of me. No more hiding my feelings, no more giving my all to people. I’m taking me back with a vengeance. I have always been there to help others succeed, dream and listen to. I have given and given and the disappointments are exhausting. Welp, no more I’m coming back. My light has been dimed but no more. No more being hurt by words, no more helping others just for them to not help me. No more sacrificing my time and energy for them. Hello Me I’m BACK. And I’m not going anywhere ever again. Hello me good to have you back I have missed you like crazy. 2020 is about to be a great year for me I don’t know about other’s but I’m back.

Risk Taker:

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I’ve learned that my risk-taking days are over, well so I thought. Why don’t I take the risk anymore? What am I really afraid of? When I was younger I would take a risk in a heartbeat but now I’m more cautious. I want to take my time and think about it before I do it. But to be honest, when I took a risk I made fewer mistakes and I felt more alive and happy. The more that I ponder on the situation the more it stressed me out. I’ve heard people say that the ones who take risks don’t know what they want to do in life. But I don’t believe that. For one if I didn’t take a risk with this blog I wouldn’t have the confidence to write my books. There is nothing wrong with weighing your options, but there is nothing wrong with taking a risk either. Yes, I have taken a risk that didn’t pan out and that was okay because it was a learning lesson. So starting now I’m going to get back to taking a risk. Are you a risk-taker?

Looking back:

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I’m looking back at 2019 knowing that in 2020 I’m going to do things so much differently. 2019 brought a lot of unnecessary pain and sadness. 2019 I should have left some things and people behind. But I didn’t because I was afraid. But I’m learning to protect myself and my peace so much. But in 2019 I wasn’t so sure about myself and how I was going to make it, but one thing that I forgot is that God will always be here for me. 2019 I had to release some pain and try to learn how to manage that pain. My outlook on life is so different now. 2019 isn’t over yet but me not being happy and enjoying the people that I’m with is. Life is way to short to tolerate people who don’t want to change.

Learning me:

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This time off has taught me a lot about myself. I’m learning to communicate better. Sadly, it has taken so long to understand my communication pattern. It’s never too late to learn something new about yourself. My journey is not done yet. I’m a surface communicator and I don’t always let people know how I’m feeling. But I need to learn how to communicate better when I’m angry and this weekend was a good learning lesson. Having much-needed conversations with my husband about how I’m feeling and how I need to find a better outlet to let my feelings known. I’m glad that I have such an understanding spouse. Trust me it’s not easy being married a lot of times, but when you have someone so supportive it makes it so much easier.

My peace:

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For me when I’m stressed or just want to be alone writing is my outlet. But now I have a new outlet and it’s called meditation. When I tell you the peace it brings me. I wish I had started this so much sooner. Sometimes it feels like my life is spiraling out of control but mediation gets me back to a place of peace that I love. I’m learning that I’m going to really have to let somethings and people go that are destroying my peace. That’s one thing in 2020 that people will not get anymore. Mediation is working wonders. Have a great Sunday.