Yesterday was hard for me. I was down yesterday. I have to get more medicine for my cyst and I still don’t have a job. But it’s the little things that make me smile. My husband didn’t know that I was feeling down yesterday. But somehow he knew, he came home and said that I had a sack on the table. I didn’t think much of it and he was like your not going to see what’s in your sack on the table? So I got up and to go see what was in this sack on the table that he keeps talking about. My husband got me the most beautiful card and my favorite cranberry orange muffins. He knows that I love the little things and yesterday he made me feel special, loved and appreciated. I’m not saying that he never makes me feel this way, but yesterday I needed to feel it again. I’m truly blessed that my husband loves me enough to do anything to put a smile on my face.
Today I took my daughter to get her permit and signed her up for driving class. And one thing that I realize is that I don’t think my daughter is ready to be completely independent on her own. I still have to tell her to clean her room, have you applied for this school and stuff like that. I don’t think she realizes that she is going to have to learn to do things without my help. Yes I’m mom and I will do anything for my kids but I have to let her grow up and learn to be independent on her own. I see now that this part might take some time and I’m okay with that because it’s nice to be needed. But I do have to let her go so she can grow into the women I know that she can be.
I’m trying to think of the right words to say
To let you know that I’m okay
I’ve had doubts, fear, and pain
I know that my life is not the same
I’m changing and growing to be so much more
To recapture my joy and love once more
When I look in the mirror I don’t see the old me anymore
My life is so much more important then I thought before
Look out world my change is from within
I will regain my smile once again
So to the old me girl, you have got to go
I don’t need you in my life no more
I love my freedom and joy that I’m about to receive
I won’t need to see your face again
So hello new me, I’m glad to meet you
I just want you to know I will do the best that I can for you
No more sad nights it’s going to be a joy for you
So hello new me I’m so glad you’re here it’s going to be joy no more fear
I read some different blogs today that talked about tribes and friendships. And I felt like I had to reexamine who and what I consider a friend and tribe members. I was talking to my husband about this earlier and he asked me how do I pick my tribe and friends. And the answer was so simple to me. My tribe is someone loyal and consistent in my life. And friends are people who I have causal conversations and someone that I don’t tell all my business to. Some friends are fun to be around but when it comes to anything complex they don’t get it or have good advice. I’m picky when it comes to my tribe and not everyone is allowed. Friendships are different because they provide laughs and surface conversations. Friends are light and airy to me, but my tribe is complex and won’t let me have a pity party. They tell it like it is whether I like it or not. I value my tribe and my friendships. Do you have a tribe? What’s the difference between your tribe and friendships?
As I woke up this morning, my mind turned to the rain. I love the sound of the rain it’s so calming. But today the rain isn’t so calming because I have to have a mammogram and sonogram on my breast today. Usually, I wouldn’t be worried because I’ve had a mammogram for two years now. But this is different because I’ve been having some pain and my doctor and I have felt something in my breast that needs to be checked out ASAP. So while it’s pouring down raining I have to leave and drive in it with my mind troubled. I know that this to shall pass, but I’m worried. If your reading this please keep me in prayer. Thank you.
Friendships are so important to me. As I’m going through my journey I spoke with a good friend of mines about my situation. I told her that I’m struggling with being a wife. She was silent for a minute and then she asked me if I ever struggled with being a friend to my husband? I said no. Then she asked me if I struggled with being his girlfriend? I said no. And then she said so why is it so hard being his wife? I told her it’s the word wife, it holds so much power and I’m not sure if I can live up to that word. She told me it’s just a word, it doesn’t make or break you. Being yourself and doing what you are supposed to do is what matters. We put some much power in that word and we try to live up to it. I had to ponder that for a while because she was right. I’m trying to live up to the word and not being who my husband fell in love with.
I put to much time trying to be something that I have seen in others when I should have just been myself. I’m learning that me being me is being a wife. I’m following the bible and I’m submitting and doing all of that. But I took my eyes off of my marriage and was trying to live my marriage as I have seen in other marriages. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only one who is and has struggled in this area. I’m glad to be able to have these types of conversations with other women. I’m learning to understand that being me and making sure my marriage is the best was up to me. I’m very thankful for the friendships that I have because I have strong friendships with women who haven’t turned there back on me when times have gotten hard. I’m blessed to be able to lean on them and gleam from there wisdom. Rich friendships are hard to find. I’m learning to walk on my own path instead of someone else’s path. I’m on a journey to bettering myself.
One thing about writing is that I get to bare my soul on paper. The one thing about writing for me is that I’m able to be completely honest about my feelings. I’m very proud of myself for taking the time out to work on my book and let my emotions flow. Writing is not as easy as it seems, well not for me anyway because I write from the soul. I’m learning that honesty within my self is the best. I’m learning that being honest with others is helpful also. Writing takes me to a whole nother level within myself. I’m having to face things that I otherwise would not want to face. So during my journey of working on me, I’m telling my story through my book. I’m a work in progress.
Last year ended not very good for me. I felt like I wanted to end my marriage. I felt like separation was the best option. But something was tugging at my heart about why I wanted to leave my husband. I didn’t want to face the truth about my feelings so I placed the blame all on him when all of it wasn’t his fault. I felt like being away from him would make things better, but it wouldn’t because I hadn’t dealt with what I’m going through. Why was I so quick to throw in the towel of my marriage? My marriage wasn’t horrible, it was nice. Do we argue yes, but who doesn’t? My anger and feelings of rejection I took out on him. What others had done to me I took out on him. I left the pain that others had caused me to want to end my marriage. How stupid is that?????? Very if you ask me. I was mad at the wrong person and wanted to leave the wrong person because people had left me. How was that fair? I said some mean and horrible things to my husband in anger because of how others treated me. I’m very thankful to have a patient husband that doesn’t give up on me. I was ready to end 9 years of marriage because of what other people had done to me. I’m learning. I’m not perfect in marriage but I’m trying. I realize that would have been the worse decision that I could have ever made if I had gone through with it. The moral of this post is married couples please look deeper at what the real issue could be. Let’s stop divorcing over things that won’t matter two days from now. You’re not going to agree on everything, you’re not gonna like something the other person loves. But dig deeper into your heart and see what your true issue might be. I have a heart issue that I’m dealing with because I have let so many cause me pain. Don’t let your heart issue cost you your marriage.
I know some of you are wondering how I’m doing, well, to be honest, I’m doing great. I know that this year has just started and you know that I have been dealing with a lot. But the key to me doing great is that I’m taking it one day at a time. One step at a time. I’m not trying to rush anything. One thing that I realized about myself is that past issues have caused me a lot of pain that I wasn’t willing to deal with, but now I am. The fact that I don’t have a job right now has allowed me to take time to work on me and heal wounds. But I’m looking for a job because doesn’t grow on trees. I’m learning to have patience with myself as well as others. I feel like my tiny steps are helping me grow and do things a lot better. I’m a work in progress and I will get there.
I woke up smiling this morning from ear to ear. It’s been a while since I truly smiled. I’m a physical touch type of person. And last night was the first night in a while where I wanted to snuggle and get close to my husband. And it was like all my sadness just melted. My heart was truly unthawing toward whatever I felt about him. Upon closer examination, I understand that all of what I’ve been dealing with isn’t about my marriage but about me. It felt so good to be close to him again. I’m a work in progress, one step at a time.