Doubt:

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I always seem to doubt myself when things happen. Well, last Thursday was the last day of work for me. I felt hurt, but at the same time, I knew I needed to move on. This job was great but very overwhelming and not only that there were miscommunication issues. So instead of having a conversation with me, they decided to let me go. So now I’m back to square one. I feel defeated when things like this happen to me. It seems like when things don’t work out how I thought they would I would doubt myself and feel like things are my fault. But having a conversation with the staffing company put so much in perspective for me. Because up until that day they sang my praises, was so happy that I was there but as soon as I have a problem they were ready to let me go. I need to stop doubting myself and just understand that sometimes things that don’t work out are more of a blessing than a burden. I have to change my thinking on these things. Do you doubt when things go wrong or something happens? How do you handle it?

How are you really?

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How are you feeling? I mean seriously how are you feeling? 2021 has been a year full of ups and downs. People are dying and recovering from COVID. People are losing and getting jobs. Some people feel like we should and shouldn’t wear face mask. We have so much going on in the world at once that it can become very overwhelming. I’m not gonna lie I’m the type who looks at the news in the morning and when I get off of work and it consumes me. I have to let it go. I’m going to have to limit how much of the news that I watch. I also have to understand that people are going to do what they feel is best for them, but I’m going to continue to wear my mask even though I am fully vaccinated. I have had moments where I was overwhelmed with everything going on to the point where I didn’t know how to feel. My emotions were all over the place. But I needed to step back and look at why I was feeling the way I was. To much information from to many people all at once. I can’t make COVID go away I wish I could. But I can do my part to stay protected. 2020 and 2021 has been full of a lot of ups and downs. But I have to remember we live in a world where things are going to happen. So who and what are you going to put your trust in? My trust will always remain in God. I can only control what I can control. So back to my original question. How are you doing?

Changes:

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Spring forward. Well, I’m glad to have more sunlight in the evenings now. The time change has got me thinking, when do things change in our lives? I know that I have made some changes that I feel have benefited me, but why does it take so long to make the necessary changes? Season’s change and time change but do we change? Change is hard to come by. But I noticed that the more that I change the better my life gets. But why does it take so long? I’m stubborn and I don’t want to change all the time. Sometimes I feel like I don’t need to change and other people should. But when I think about it the more I change the more people around me either change or show their true colors. Change is necessary for growth. But just like the seasons and time we need to change as well.

Change in 2021:

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The other thing that I want to change is my eating and exercise habits need to change. Yes, I’m a little in size but I need better eating habits. I walk and do some workouts but I want it to be daily and have some type of routine. I want to lead a better lifestyle. Less stress and worry. Do you struggle with eating right and exercise?

Inside out: Part 2

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My prayer for God to work on me from the inside out was because I wanted to be the best me possible. I have always let my past hold me, hostage because I felt like I was repeating the same type of people. But my problem was that I was trying to compare my past with my future. I had to stop and heal from my past and understand some things about myself. I wanted to be the best version of me possible and I felt like I wasn’t giving my all to any relationship because my guard was too high up. I wanted to get out of my way and out of my feelings and see what my life could look like. And to be honest, since praying that prayer my life has been changing for the better. No, it didn’t happen all at once but it did happen. I’m not done growing and changing but I’m a better person because of this prayer. I have learned a lot about myself and what I felt about me. But more importantly, I have changed how I look and treat my relationships. I’m more invested and have a real sense of joy. Trust me I’m still a work in progress my change is what I needed to move forward with my life. There is nothing wrong with change but change for the right reasons. Change to make you better not to stay or keep someone. My change has made me a lot closer to the people I care the most about.

Inside out Part 1:

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As the seasons are changing I’m changing also. I have prayed this prayer probably since the beginning of this year that God would change me from the inside out. It’s so easy to change who you are from the outside, but changing who you are from the inside is something completely different. Let me explain why I prayed this prayer. I’m a feeling person and I go off of my feelings a lot. Especially when I’m mad or just don’t want to be bothered. And we all know that going off of your feelings isn’t 100% accurate. I might have felt one way about what someone said or did to me and could be completely wrong about their intentions. But I wouldn’t change my mind based on my feelings. Now don’t get me wrong my feelings have been right a lot of times, but I don’t always want to allow my feelings to guide me. I want to be guided by more than just feelings. I want to love and not have to base it on whether or not you hurt me. I want unconditional love always. I want to be able to know that you mean what you say and not base it off on what I think you should be doing. I’m very selfish when it comes to my feelings because I don’t always give people the benefit of the doubt. I accuse without wanting the full story. I think I know so there for my feelings are correct. But they are not. My prayer is for God to work on me from the inside because I know that I’m more than just my feelings. I know that I want to love, respect, and trust people. I know that there is no perfect person and I shouldn’t act like I’m a judge and juror when it comes to people and their mistakes. I wanted to be able to understand things without my feelings being involved why things are the why they are. I’m growing in ways you just can’t imagine. I will have more on this topic tomorrow.

Time to do better:

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This three day weekend was definitely what I needed. I did some self-care. I made time for me and made sure that I took care of myself. But there were things that I saw in myself that I need to work on. I have tried to work on me and I have noticed that there are some things in my life where I need to speak to someone about my issues. I know that I can’t do everything on my own no matter how much I try. We all need help in some area of our lives. I have trusted friends to talk to and God but sometimes we need to speak to someone who can dig deeper within us. This is where I am right now. I’m going to seek out counseling. I don’t have all the answers and I know that God placed people on this earth to help us. I’m trying to have a better me daily and so my journey starts.

Change is coming:

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I’m learning that there are areas in my life where I need to change. But change is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. Trust me I don’t like giving up control so to speak. But there are areas in my life where I need to be vulnerable and how to really trust others. More importantly, I need to not be afraid to give my all in things and people. I noticed that my mood and behavior changes to fit the environment or the people around me. And I need to understand that I control my mood and how I feel not anyone else. This is something that I really need to work on. I see my faults and shortcomings and I have to understand that there are changes that I need to make. I’m committed to improving me.

Changes:

Yesterday was amazing. I’m blessed to see another day. But now that that’s over with, it’s time to really work on me. Hello, new me, hello new love, new life, and new joy. I’m going to love getting older making wiser decisions and loving life. It’s never too late to change. Hello joy, hello love and goodbye pain. Life can be amazing when you let go of things that are holding you back.