How has your week been? Any plans for the weekend? Well my week is bittersweet. I gave my two weeks notice for my job yesterday. This place has the best management and coworkers I have worked with in a long time. So you’re probably wondering why am I leaving… Well it’s our system and I feel like I have given so much of myself to this job. I haven’t worked in the healthcare field in a long time. And quite honestly I’m drained. I’m hoping to find something that will bring me joy. My weekend well hopefully relax and catch up on my TV shows. Have a great weekend everyone.
As we go through life we have to understand that change is important. Change on the inside is just as important as change on the outside. Without change we stay the same.
Before the pandemic started I felt so confident and outgoing. I felt like the world was turning in the right direction for me. But when the pandemic hit my reality was hit as well. I’m the type of person who will check on someone and help anyone. I’m going to show up for things big and small. But one thing that I noticed is I was doing all the work. Most of the relationship’s that I had with people I was doing all the heavy lifting and they were reaping all the benefits. Why did it take a pandemic for me to truly see this? Also, something that I realized is that I was a person who was a free spirit and now I feel like my spirit is broken.
I’m having to rebuild myself in this uncertain world. I’m having to figure out what I do want and don’t want in my life. I’m having to figure out if some friendships are really worth it. I’m having to figure out a whole new me. I feel like life before the pandemic was all about others. Now, this life has to be about me and what I want. No more back down when it comes to thoughts and opinions. No more giving away more of myself to people who are not doing the same in return. What do I want the new Colleen 2022 to look like? Well, I’m working myself and that is the question that I always have in the back of my mind. Working on myself has been one of the hardest things for me to do. But it’s going to be so worth it in the end.
We all make our own choices in life. Some of the choices that we make are either good or bad. But life is full of choices and decisions that have to be made. I have made more decisions in my life that were based on other people than on myself. And I had to look myself in the eye and say is this how you want to continue your life? You want to make decisions that will make everyone else happy or you happy? I had to have a tough conversation with myself this year. And let me tell you it wasn’t pretty but I was honest with myself about what I wanted and what I wasn’t about to tolerate in my life anymore. I have always based my life around other people and their happiness and comfort level. Well, let me tell you I’m done with that. I’m in my 40’s and your comfort level doesn’t have anything to do with mines. I’m done entertaining negativity because it’s draining and I don’t have time for that in my life. I want to live a content life. I don’t have everything that I want in my life but I want to be content with whatever season that I’m going through. I have had enough of making sure everyone else was good before I made sure I was good. 2020 was a shitty year and I’m not about to have 2021 be the same. I can’t control the pandemic and I can’t control other people but I can control myself. I have had some ups and downs this year that has caused me to step back and review some things in my life. And as I was reviewing I seen some things that needed to change. Nothing wrong with change but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and it’s going to benefit you. Life is a journey and you just have to be ready for the adventure.
I had to learn what I was willing to change for myself to move forward. It wasn’t about what I was willing to change for someone else but for myself. What do I want and how am I going to make that happen. One lesson that I learned was that I needed to make up my mind and just do it. Each morning when I wake up I need to be intentional with what I was willing to change and do for myself. One thing that I started saying to myself is that I love you and will always believe in you. I never really considered talking to myself like this because I didn’t understand what the point was. But now I do. Staying positive things to myself and setting boundaries within myself have been so helpful. I have been reading blogs about people not loving themselves and how they want to change. Well, I don’t have all the answers but I do know that one step at a time is all that it takes to make a change in your life. Change for yourself not other people.
As a nation how do we heal? Where do we begin to start the process? After seeing the Capitol riots and yesterday’s peaceful inauguration where do we begin? For some it may seem like healing will never come and that how things are will continue to be. And then some are hopeful for change. I still poise this question that I have posted before in my blogs why the hate? Why do we hate a political party? Why do we hate change? Why do we hate the color of someone’s skin? Why do we hate each other? Why is hate even taught in the home? It doesn’t matter who you voted for trust me if you don’t like this person it will change in four years. But what hasn’t changed is the hate in this country. I pray for healing, I pray for love and I pray that people can learn to have honest conversations with one another and truly get to know each other. At some point, I wonder do people even stop to think why they hate something? To me hate is such a strong word. I pray that we can learn to truly change our hate to love. But first, our hearts need to change about the situation. We can heal as a nation we just have to want to.
One of the things that I wanted to change about myself is the words that I use. I wanted to change how I spoke to my husband. I know that words have value and there are times when he makes me mad our just irritates me that I don’t always use the best words. And to be honest it hurt me because why would I want to hurt him with words when I can uplift him with words. I have noticed that since I have been fasting that I have more patience with him and that I take the time to understand where he is coming from. My words are more loving and they show that I care. I make sure to uplift him and affirm him. But it hasn’t always been easy in doing this, but I had to decide to truly change how I speak to him. And I’m also showing him how the words that he speaks to himself are not true and kind. I may have days when I slip and say some mean things to him, but I’m not aware of how I talk to him and the words that I use with him.
I believe that if you want to change then change will come. Well as some of you know I’m on a fast. And I have been on fast’s before but this one is different. There are so many changes that I want to make within myself, some things that I want to do better at, and some things that I wanted to get rid of in my life. When I tell you how relaxed and happy I am. No, listen I’m truly happy, I’m taking the time to listen to my needs and wants. Taking the time to work on me, really work on me. Taking the time to get rid of some bad habits. My change is from the inside out. Before you can change anything about the outside you first need to make changes from the inside. And man let me tell you this process has not been easy but it has been so worth it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m a changed woman because I’m not. I’m still working on myself. But I am more relaxed, my response to people is a lot better and my anxiety is real low. I’m not sure why this time it’s more of a change within myself, but I feel like this time I’m more willing to focus on me and my issues instead of other’s and their issues.
I want somethings to change in 2021. The first being how I dress. I’m sweats and tee-shirt and tennis shoe type of girl. I dress up for work but that’s different. I’ve never felt confident in anything that I wear. Okay, let me take that back. My sweats and tee-shirts give me comfort and I have a few items that I feel and look amazing in. But I have never stopped to find my style. It’s always been about what other people wanted to see me in. I’m a very laid back person and I go along with the flow, but it’s time to get to know me and my fashion style. Am I the only one who struggles with their style?
I’m the type of person who can get along with anyone. But for some reason, my relationship with my in-laws has always been a difficult one. As much as I tried to get to know them and have conversations with them, the more it seemed like they wanted to have nothing to do with me. The more I tried the more I realized that I’m not the one who needs to change. But I have noticed that my husband’s relationship with them has changed also. It hurts him that they don’t want a relationship with me and when they did come over it was always an issue. For some reason, his mom would love to make me feel less than. She always had something negative to say to me or about me. And I took it personal when in fact she does the same thing to her husband and son. I asked my husband why do they put up with this. He doesn’t but his dad does. I can never understand how you could dislike someone you don’t even know. This is one relationship that I had to learn will never be what it’s supposed to be. And it hurts because these are my husband’s parents. But sometimes you have to let go and see if anything changes. It has been almost three years now since I have seen them and well nothing has changed. Maybe one day we can come together and have a conversation but it’s up to them now not me.