I found this quote from a book I’m currently reading. To be honest, this weekend has been the worse. I’m not feeling good. My chest hurts, headache and stomach hurt. Luckily today the only thing that hurts still is my stomach. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of holding the pain in. I’m tired of people not listening. I’m tired of doing it all. I’m tired of not being appreciated. I’m tired of hurting and holding it all in. No, I can’t go back and change the beginning, but I need to change how things are going to end. There are relationships that I’m just tired of putting my time and effort into. I’m at a point where I don’t care if they last or not. I’m tired. I know I’m not the only one who has gotten to this point.
One thing that I’m learning is how to make me and my marriage better. It all starts with me because I’m the only person who can change me. But when I look back at the beginning with my husband the one thing that I miss the most is how close I use to be to him. What changed you might ask me. Change is always a good thing but when you don’t want to be close because you think he will be like the other guys in your relationship then why get married right? Well at the time that never crossed my mind. I had never been so close to a man before in the sense of letting down my guard and just being me. I told him my thoughts, fears, dreams, and all that. I let the wall down for him, why you might ask. Because he was so different from anyone that I had ever dated. He taught me to trust, love, and what true friendship means. So what happened to me is what happen. Every time we get into it I build that wall all over again. My husband hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him, but I’ve dated guys who have made me not trust them and now I’m allowing that to happen in my marriage. So yes I need to change. It was nice to talk to my husband about this, this morning and told him I want to be close with him again. And he asked me what is stopping me and I said me and my past. I need to let things go in my life and understand that not everyone is here to do you wrong. Life is a lesson and I’m slowly learning to do things better in my life.
I’m about to do the hardest thing I ever had to do. I’m closing the chapter on someone who I love my dad. I have forgiven him for all the hurt and disappointments, but it’s time to close this chapter in my life. I don’t think my heart can take it anymore. As much as I love my dad and want a relationship with him I think it’s better to close this chapter of my life. At some point, you have to acknowledge that the other person matters to you and you want them in your life. I don’t get that at all. At some point, you have to care about yourself enough to close the chapter and move on. Maybe one day that person will change and show you that you are important and that they care, but until then the chapter needs to end. So today I’m ending that chapter. With tears in my eyes I know it’s the right thing to do. Life is to short not to care about myself. Have you ever closed a chapter in your life?
Every morning I always drink my tea and read my devotionals. And it was interesting that one of my devotionals touched on the past. If you want to know what your future will be ( if you don’t make any changes) then look at your past. That really struck a cord with me because I have been making it my mission to really change my life. There are so many things that I want to do differently in my life. I don’t want certain things in my life to stay the same. Change is good and very much needed. There have been people who have asked me why am I so determined to change? Well my answer was easy. I want my life to be different. I want to be different. I want my to create a better me. I’m not looking to change anyone but myself. I have been doing the same thing expecting different results. But that never happens. But the small things that I’m doing now has made me so happy and I’m loving this new women that I’m becoming. If I’m smiling and I’m making other’s smile I’m happy. Change looks good on me.
Change, this word has been a hard one for me. We all need to change, but change is hard and has been hard for me. I have always felt like I needed to change for others. But in all honesty, I need to change for myself. This weekend has been one of the best weekends that I’ve had in a while. I love the conversations that my husband and I had this weekend. Yes, we conversate but something about this weekend’s conversation was eye-opening. I loved the fact that I was affirmed when I felt weak. I love that we just laughed and had such a great time. My change has to come because I feel like I can be very judgmental and nonunderstanding. I have felt like people didn’t care about me and what I needed and wanted. Which was not the case at all. See as I keep saying I’m a surface talker and I don’t like to go deep. But deep is where I need to go, because deep is where I’m growing. I had to take a hard look at myself and say either you’re going to change to better yourself or you are going to stay the same and keep going through your storms. I create a lot of my storms because I feel like I don’t want to let people know what’s going on with me. But why? If I’m close to people what am I worried about? Maybe the fact that they don’t want to hear what I have to say. Maybe they will just brush me off. Maybe I’m just scared of honesty. Maybe I’m scared that people will care and be understanding. But one thing is for sure. Change is good. And I’m all about it. I know what I want and I’m going to change my attitude, my outlook on life and the way I conversate with people. I’m changing to grow and let go of this unwanted fear that I have. Are you ready to change? How are you changing?
I’m entering into a new season of change. See part of my season is leaving old things behind and saying hello to new things in my life. Worry, doubts, fears and things like that are no longer welcome in my life. I have been down long enough to know that I don’t want to be the same person anymore. And what I mean by that is I want to live a life that is rich and full. A life of meaning and joy. I’m tired of fear and doubt ruining my life. I’m doing the things that bring me joy, peace, and laughter. Life is way to short to be stressed out over little things and big things as well. This new season is full of change.