We all make our own choices in life. Some of the choices that we make are either good or bad. But life is full of choices and decisions that have to be made. I have made more decisions in my life that were based on other people than on myself. And I had to look myself in the eye and say is this how you want to continue your life? You want to make decisions that will make everyone else happy or you happy? I had to have a tough conversation with myself this year. And let me tell you it wasn’t pretty but I was honest with myself about what I wanted and what I wasn’t about to tolerate in my life anymore. I have always based my life around other people and their happiness and comfort level. Well, let me tell you I’m done with that. I’m in my 40’s and your comfort level doesn’t have anything to do with mines. I’m done entertaining negativity because it’s draining and I don’t have time for that in my life. I want to live a content life. I don’t have everything that I want in my life but I want to be content with whatever season that I’m going through. I have had enough of making sure everyone else was good before I made sure I was good. 2020 was a shitty year and I’m not about to have 2021 be the same. I can’t control the pandemic and I can’t control other people but I can control myself. I have had some ups and downs this year that has caused me to step back and review some things in my life. And as I was reviewing I seen some things that needed to change. Nothing wrong with change but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and it’s going to benefit you. Life is a journey and you just have to be ready for the adventure.
I had to learn what I was willing to change for myself to move forward. It wasn’t about what I was willing to change for someone else but for myself. What do I want and how am I going to make that happen. One lesson that I learned was that I needed to make up my mind and just do it. Each morning when I wake up I need to be intentional with what I was willing to change and do for myself. One thing that I started saying to myself is that I love you and will always believe in you. I never really considered talking to myself like this because I didn’t understand what the point was. But now I do. Staying positive things to myself and setting boundaries within myself have been so helpful. I have been reading blogs about people not loving themselves and how they want to change. Well, I don’t have all the answers but I do know that one step at a time is all that it takes to make a change in your life. Change for yourself not other people.
As a nation how do we heal? Where do we begin to start the process? After seeing the Capitol riots and yesterday’s peaceful inauguration where do we begin? For some it may seem like healing will never come and that how things are will continue to be. And then some are hopeful for change. I still poise this question that I have posted before in my blogs why the hate? Why do we hate a political party? Why do we hate change? Why do we hate the color of someone’s skin? Why do we hate each other? Why is hate even taught in the home? It doesn’t matter who you voted for trust me if you don’t like this person it will change in four years. But what hasn’t changed is the hate in this country. I pray for healing, I pray for love and I pray that people can learn to have honest conversations with one another and truly get to know each other. At some point, I wonder do people even stop to think why they hate something? To me hate is such a strong word. I pray that we can learn to truly change our hate to love. But first, our hearts need to change about the situation. We can heal as a nation we just have to want to.
One of the things that I wanted to change about myself is the words that I use. I wanted to change how I spoke to my husband. I know that words have value and there are times when he makes me mad our just irritates me that I don’t always use the best words. And to be honest it hurt me because why would I want to hurt him with words when I can uplift him with words. I have noticed that since I have been fasting that I have more patience with him and that I take the time to understand where he is coming from. My words are more loving and they show that I care. I make sure to uplift him and affirm him. But it hasn’t always been easy in doing this, but I had to decide to truly change how I speak to him. And I’m also showing him how the words that he speaks to himself are not true and kind. I may have days when I slip and say some mean things to him, but I’m not aware of how I talk to him and the words that I use with him.
I believe that if you want to change then change will come. Well as some of you know I’m on a fast. And I have been on fast’s before but this one is different. There are so many changes that I want to make within myself, some things that I want to do better at, and some things that I wanted to get rid of in my life. When I tell you how relaxed and happy I am. No, listen I’m truly happy, I’m taking the time to listen to my needs and wants. Taking the time to work on me, really work on me. Taking the time to get rid of some bad habits. My change is from the inside out. Before you can change anything about the outside you first need to make changes from the inside. And man let me tell you this process has not been easy but it has been so worth it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m a changed woman because I’m not. I’m still working on myself. But I am more relaxed, my response to people is a lot better and my anxiety is real low. I’m not sure why this time it’s more of a change within myself, but I feel like this time I’m more willing to focus on me and my issues instead of other’s and their issues.
I want somethings to change in 2021. The first being how I dress. I’m sweats and tee-shirt and tennis shoe type of girl. I dress up for work but that’s different. I’ve never felt confident in anything that I wear. Okay, let me take that back. My sweats and tee-shirts give me comfort and I have a few items that I feel and look amazing in. But I have never stopped to find my style. It’s always been about what other people wanted to see me in. I’m a very laid back person and I go along with the flow, but it’s time to get to know me and my fashion style. Am I the only one who struggles with their style?
I’m the type of person who can get along with anyone. But for some reason, my relationship with my in-laws has always been a difficult one. As much as I tried to get to know them and have conversations with them, the more it seemed like they wanted to have nothing to do with me. The more I tried the more I realized that I’m not the one who needs to change. But I have noticed that my husband’s relationship with them has changed also. It hurts him that they don’t want a relationship with me and when they did come over it was always an issue. For some reason, his mom would love to make me feel less than. She always had something negative to say to me or about me. And I took it personal when in fact she does the same thing to her husband and son. I asked my husband why do they put up with this. He doesn’t but his dad does. I can never understand how you could dislike someone you don’t even know. This is one relationship that I had to learn will never be what it’s supposed to be. And it hurts because these are my husband’s parents. But sometimes you have to let go and see if anything changes. It has been almost three years now since I have seen them and well nothing has changed. Maybe one day we can come together and have a conversation but it’s up to them now not me.
I found this quote from a book I’m currently reading. To be honest, this weekend has been the worse. I’m not feeling good. My chest hurts, headache and stomach hurt. Luckily today the only thing that hurts still is my stomach. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of holding the pain in. I’m tired of people not listening. I’m tired of doing it all. I’m tired of not being appreciated. I’m tired of hurting and holding it all in. No, I can’t go back and change the beginning, but I need to change how things are going to end. There are relationships that I’m just tired of putting my time and effort into. I’m at a point where I don’t care if they last or not. I’m tired. I know I’m not the only one who has gotten to this point.
One thing that I’m learning is how to make me and my marriage better. It all starts with me because I’m the only person who can change me. But when I look back at the beginning with my husband the one thing that I miss the most is how close I use to be to him. What changed you might ask me. Change is always a good thing but when you don’t want to be close because you think he will be like the other guys in your relationship then why get married right? Well at the time that never crossed my mind. I had never been so close to a man before in the sense of letting down my guard and just being me. I told him my thoughts, fears, dreams, and all that. I let the wall down for him, why you might ask. Because he was so different from anyone that I had ever dated. He taught me to trust, love, and what true friendship means. So what happened to me is what happen. Every time we get into it I build that wall all over again. My husband hasn’t done anything to make me not trust him, but I’ve dated guys who have made me not trust them and now I’m allowing that to happen in my marriage. So yes I need to change. It was nice to talk to my husband about this, this morning and told him I want to be close with him again. And he asked me what is stopping me and I said me and my past. I need to let things go in my life and understand that not everyone is here to do you wrong. Life is a lesson and I’m slowly learning to do things better in my life.
I’m about to do the hardest thing I ever had to do. I’m closing the chapter on someone who I love my dad. I have forgiven him for all the hurt and disappointments, but it’s time to close this chapter in my life. I don’t think my heart can take it anymore. As much as I love my dad and want a relationship with him I think it’s better to close this chapter of my life. At some point, you have to acknowledge that the other person matters to you and you want them in your life. I don’t get that at all. At some point, you have to care about yourself enough to close the chapter and move on. Maybe one day that person will change and show you that you are important and that they care, but until then the chapter needs to end. So today I’m ending that chapter. With tears in my eyes I know it’s the right thing to do. Life is to short not to care about myself. Have you ever closed a chapter in your life?