I’m about to do the hardest thing I ever had to do. I’m closing the chapter on someone who I love my dad. I have forgiven him for all the hurt and disappointments, but it’s time to close this chapter in my life. I don’t think my heart can take it anymore. As much as I love my dad and want a relationship with him I think it’s better to close this chapter of my life. At some point, you have to acknowledge that the other person matters to you and you want them in your life. I don’t get that at all. At some point, you have to care about yourself enough to close the chapter and move on. Maybe one day that person will change and show you that you are important and that they care, but until then the chapter needs to end. So today I’m ending that chapter. With tears in my eyes I know it’s the right thing to do. Life is to short not to care about myself. Have you ever closed a chapter in your life?
I believe that my daddy issues also had something to do with the relationships that I got into with men. I didn’t always pick the best men to date. I wanted the bad boy, someone reckless but that wasn’t as exciting as I thought. That ended up being my first experience with physical abuse. All my relationships were extremely different from each other. I guess I was looking for my type our someone that I thought was like my dad’s style. But then I was just looking for someone to love me and let me tell you, you can’t have anyone love you until you love yourself. That was a very hard and long lesson to learn. I married someone totally opposite of my dad. Someone who has stuck with me through some pretty hard and emotional times. I always wanted someone true and genuine who would love all my flaws and imperfections. And I have found him. Do I still have daddy issues yes, but I’m not looking for something that’s not reachable and mutual?
I woke up early this morning because there was a lot on my mind. My relationship with God is not where I want it to be. It’s not because of God but because of me. I use to have a great relationship with God and somewhere along the way, I stopped. I mean I pray but sometimes my prayers are just prayers out of obligation. Something that I’m supposed to do. I only really pray when I’m going through something. I use to read my bible daily I don’t anymore. I read devotionals on my bible app. I feel like I’m a million miles away from God. I don’t know why I stopped trusting in him. I don’t know why I have distanced myself from him. But I feel this longing to be close to God again. I feel this longing to rest in his arms again. I’m not a perfect person and I never claim to be. But this is something that I’m truly longing for. I can’t blame anyone for my relationship with God but myself. I’m trying to get me together and grow my relationship with God. I long for the father and I know that he has never left me but I who has left him.
It amazes me how much people love Valentine’s Day. They call this the day of love. But to be honest, the day of love should be every day and not just one day. We should love our spouse daily. We need to show love and appreciation daily. Spending tons of money and buying gifts shouldn’t be a one-day occurrence. What about when she is sad? You can give her the gift of a hug. What about date night? Don’t let February 14th be the only day that you show love to your spouse. We need to be more attentive to one another.
Yesterday was hard for me. I was down yesterday. I have to get more medicine for my cyst and I still don’t have a job. But it’s the little things that make me smile. My husband didn’t know that I was feeling down yesterday. But somehow he knew, he came home and said that I had a sack on the table. I didn’t think much of it and he was like your not going to see what’s in your sack on the table? So I got up and to go see what was in this sack on the table that he keeps talking about. My husband got me the most beautiful card and my favorite cranberry orange muffins. He knows that I love the little things and yesterday he made me feel special, loved and appreciated. I’m not saying that he never makes me feel this way, but yesterday I needed to feel it again. I’m truly blessed that my husband loves me enough to do anything to put a smile on my face.
As 2020 is in full effect what I can’t understand is why we still have hate for one another. We hate someone’s color, we hate people’s hairstyles and we hate other people’s sexual orientation. So much hate in this world. We can cure hate with love. Have you ever stopped to talk to someone who is a different color than you? Have you ever talked with someone who is in a same sex marriage? Have you ever thought why do I hate this person? Why do I hate that they are not like me? Is hate taught? Are we all not lovable? It hurts my heart that people are hated for things like not being social, to thin, too fat, too tall, not light enough, don’t have enough money and other dumb things. I may not like certain things about people but what I won’t do is talk down about them and make them feel less than. We are all in this world trying to figure out life. We need to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why do I hate people? Is it them or is something else going on within me? I pray that one day we will get over ourselves and start loving ourselves and love other people. So please stop the hate and start to love. Love over hate.
So something has been bothering me. I want to do better as a person and when it comes to my marriage. But one thing that I’ve noticed is that when we talk or are watching movies we both or I am on my phone. I don’t like that one bit, because I feel like I’m not giving my husband 100% of my time and attention. Well, that is about to change because as of today when we are spending time together the phone will be down and he will have my undivided attention. I miss the days were our phones weren’t a factor and spending uninterrupted time with people was so important. Well, I’m bringing that back. I’ll let you know how it goes. Who else put’s down the phone and have one on one conversations?
I don’t know how to say this
So I’m just going to speak from the heart
I know that you were the man for me right from the start
Your love and support I took for granted from the start
I’ve been hurt so many times I couldn’t see the real from the fake
You’ve proven yourself to me, and I made the mistake of hurting your feelings and heart
You stayed by my side no matter how I tried to push you away
Your love is true and authenticates what more can I say
Can a man truly love a woman with so many flaws
You provide the answer is yes, and now I understand
What it feels like to be truly loved by a man
I want to say thank you for all the times you stuck by me
I’m lucky to have a man like you, who loves me through and through
No matter what happens in my life I know you will have my back
I’m glad God picked you to be just for me, no more blinders on my eyes can see
I finally know what true love looks like, I’m like a bird on a branch and I’m ready to take flight
So thank you again for being by my side no more doubts and fears when it comes to your love for me
I’m thankful for the changes that I’m going through. Right now I’m hurt regarding what has been done to me. I could lash out and be mean and rude. But I choose not to. I know things that I shouldn’t and it hurts when you think that people genuinely cared about you and it turns out that they could care less. To have people lie and not be honest. But I’m healing and releasing my pain in healthy ways. There was a time where I would lash out in unhealthy ways. I learn to pray for people who do me wrong . I’m thankful for these lessons and how I’m growing as a person. I’m thankful for the hard and easy lessons. Thank you.
So many people have asked me what I want for my birthday. And to be honest I have actually sat down and came up with something that will be a benefit to me and everyone around me. I want something that is going to develop me, help me grow and be a better person. This is my year of personal development, growth, healing and love. For all who know me, you know that I love to journal, read and I’m all about growth. So if you still don’t have a clue as to what I may want, a journal, books, essential oils and whatever else could help my new me that I’m trying to become.