Not content:

Who’s content with their life is the question? I thought that I was but, to be honest, I’m not. There are things that I wish I had, wish I could do and wish I had more of. But if I”m being honest I wish I had a better relationship with God. It’s my fault, not his. He is always there open and ready but I’m not. Why? Because he knows everything about me. He knows my thoughts, fears, and dreams. But to be honest, what does it look like having a relationship with God? I pray, read my devotionals, read my bible, and listen to sermons. But does that mean that I have a relationship with God? Am I being lazy in this area of my life? I would have to say yes. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be open to you. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning when it comes to having a relationship with God. What does he truly expect from me? I pray to connect and have a relationship with him. I pray for others more than I pray for myself. But what am I missing here? I feel like I”m not content because I’m missing this relationship with God. I feel like I”m not content because I”m not truly seeking him as I should. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

Book review:

This book is good for all married people. I didn’t understand what boundaries in a marriage looked like. The tools that you learn from this book will help your marriage grow. Real life tools for real life problems. Divorce is always the easy solution. But having boundaries can help prevent a divorce.

Freedom:

As the celebration of my birthday and my husband’s birthday dies down. I have been having this weight on my shoulders. The weight of life, the weight of me wanting to change some things in my life, the weight of becoming an empty nester, and more. But if you want to change something it starts with you. So I’ve been wanting to cut my hair for 2 years now, and yesterday I finally decided to do it. Yes, I cut my hair, and no I have never cut my hair before. But it felt good, I felt free for some reason. I smiled a smile I haven’t seen in a while. Yes I know it’s only hair but sometimes things can weigh you down and this Texas heat is just crazy. But as the hair fell so did my insecurities about my looks. As my hair fell so did my insecurities about my weight. As my hair fell I felt love for me sweep back in. As my hair fell I felt a freedom like never before. I have been defined by my hair for as long as I could remember. I have always had long hair and cutting it felt like freedom to me. Yes, I have had my hair cut before. But this time I held the scissors and I didn’t have anyone discouraging me about how short to cut my hair. Has anyone else ever felt this type of freedom from doing something?

My struggle:

I struggle to see what I can not find
I struggle to remember that place in time
I struggle to see my self-worth
I struggle to feel I am enough
My struggle is real far from not
My struggle is beauty whether I have it or not
My struggle is love do you love me or not
My struggle is connection is it real or not
My struggle is me from far within
My struggle is real where do I begin
My struggle with friendships are they true or not
My struggle for self-worth do I love me or not
My struggle with fear goes to deep
My struggle with pain is why I can’t sleep
My struggle for trust has a lot to be desired
My struggle is real and not admired

Deeper relationship:

We all have a voice. But how are you using your voice? Have you lost your voice? Has your voice been silent? I’ve always been a haven for others and people have told me stories that I have never repeated to anyone. But I’ve never found that person to tell my secrets, fears, etc with. I tell people things but I never go deep and I want to change that. But how do I change that? I’ve always wanted to let people know how much fear and insecurity that I have. I have always had a love/fear relationship with men and women. I had friends who I had known for years but they did things to lose my trust so I guarded myself. And I have guarded myself for so many years that I don’t know how to break it. People will always hurt me I know that but we are flawed and imperfect people. But I have to understand that not all people mean me to hurt and pain. But I have put up a wall to the point where I don’t know how to tear it down. I’m on a mission to tear down these walls within myself to let people in without fear and pain. I have always wanted a deeper relationship with people. And it’s time for me to start learning how to let go and try. But right now it’s hard. Am I the only one who has gone through this?

Question:

When your writing, whether it’s blogging, writing a book or for a magazine. Do you ever worry about judgement or people being critical?

Help:

As I’m writing one of my many books, a thought acquires to me. Who will I have read and edited this book for me? Will they get or see my vision as I do? Also, should I self-publish or try to go through a publishing company? I have heard that a lot of people publish through Amazon is that a good idea? Do I need to get a scan code for my book? Do I need to copyright my book? So many questions I know. This is why I need help. Thanks in advance everyone.

I don’t get it:

As I’m sitting here sipping on my tea I’m thinking back to a conversation that I had with a friend that is troubling me. I’ve been married for almost ten years now and I feel like flirting and just putting yourself in a situation that you shouldn’t when your married is wrong. So a friend of mine was talking to me about a mutual friend of ours who was in town recently. This mutual friend’s grandmother had passed away and he was here for the funeral. Well, my friend and our mutual friend still stay in touch. But she was telling me that he called her when he got to town and that they went and had lunch. So I stopped the conversation and asked her if she told her husband and she said yes. But I said did you tell him this friend was a male and she got quiet and asked me why should that matter? Well first off I wouldn’t want my husband to have a lunch date with the opposite sex and I not know. Because that just tells me your hiding something that you can’t be trusted. She was like it’s nothing like that they are just friends. But she goes on to let me know that the conversation turns toward them. They were talking about what it would have been like to date and what might be now if they did. Am I wrong for feeling that this is crossing the line? Why even let your mind wander about something like this? What difference does it make your married and he’s married. And second of all where was his wife in all this? Is this what people do in marriages? I just don’t get it. I’m not judging but I’m judging. Needless to say, she said that nothing happened it was only lunch. It scares me to think that people can’t be trusted. There are too many red flags in this situation. Maybe I’m just old fashion. What are your thoughts?

Friendship:

I love learning new lessons, but I don’t love them when I first go through them. Some lessons hurt like hell and you just don’t know what to expect afterward. But this lesson has taught me to stop giving people too much of me. I have/had a really good friend that I have known for years and all through COVID I have been checking on her and making sure she is okay. But one thing that I have noticed is that she never calls or texts to check on me. So during a text that I sent her, I asked her why she never checks on me. She told me why should she, especially since she knows that I will check up on her anyway. She told me that this was my job? Whoa, so this is my job as a friend Ohh okay. I told her that friendship goes both ways and don’t expect someone to do something for you and never get anything in return. I have poured into her and have been a great friend but what I have noticed about her is that she is lazy and doesn’t want to do for someone else. She is a taker and never a giver unless it benefits her. I told her that I can’t have a friendship like this anymore. I’m not going to go out of my way for friendship when you can’t do the same. It hurt because we have been friends for years. She wasn’t always like this. She changed once I got married. I refuse to put all my time and energy into something that isn’t producing anything. I won’t be that person who gives and gives anymore. My friendship tank for her is empty. I can’t anymore. I would rather lose this friendship than lose myself. I’m worth more than what I’m given.

Marriage:

As COVID continues to rear its ugly head, I must admit being at home with my husband isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Who wants to be at home with someone 24/7? I mean I miss going places with my friends or just hanging by myself. But this COVID hit a little different for me. While I have read so many stories of couples divorcing or how they don’t like spending so much time together. Well, it has the opposite effect for me. When my husband and I were dating we sent a lot of time together. We truly loved being in each other’s company. Just laughing and enjoying ourselves. And then when we got married it was more about work and this and that. Yes, we spent time together but it seemed so hurried because you only have so much time to get things done. But it’s been nice spending a lazy Saturday just talking, watching movies or just listening to music. I had taken our relationship for granted. We spend more time at work then we do at home, but now it’s all changed. He works from home and I’m unemployed. But the time that we have together is bringing me closer to him. I just feel like we are young and in love all over again. Yes, it may sound silly but what brought us together is keeping us together. I wish more couples took the time to enjoy each other’s company right now. Because to be honest you may not get this chance again. I’m glad for the reconnection and new spark of love that is going on within me. Keep your marriage fresh and remember the simple things that you loved about each other.