Grief:

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I still haven’t completely healed from my grandpa passing away. And now my great uncle who was like a second dad to me has passed away. His death hit me so hard that I didn’t have any more tears left that day. I know that everyone has lost someone that they truly care about, but how to heal from the grief is hard. I have lost people in my family that this grief didn’t hit as hard, but when you are close to someone it makes it that much harder. This pain that I’m feeling is a different kind of pain that I felt with my grandpa. I felt like I was getting to a point where I was okay and now this has happened. I feel like maybe I don’t know how to deal with grief. Maybe I just stuff my emotions down and deal with them when I’m ready. I know that going to his funeral is going to be hard. I have cried and screamed but the pain of losing someone hurts like crazy. I know that he isn’t in any pain anymore and it would have been selfish of me to want him to stay around a little longer. But I know going back home and not being able to see him is going to hurt. Going to his house is going to probably bring me to my knees. It’s been a year since I have been back home and that’s the last time that I saw my great uncle. I’m thankful that we talked all the time and he knew how much I cared about him. I pray that I will find a healthy way to deal with my grief. Keeping busy doesn’t always work but it does take my mind off of it for a while. It’s always hard saying goodbye to the people that you love the most.

Good morning:

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Happy Monday everyone. I hope everyone’s weekend was amazing. As I’m sitting here listening to the rain, I’m starting to realize how much I needed boundaries in my life. I’m thankful for all that I have learned up until now and I won’t be going back to the old me. I laugh more, I’m more intentional with my time and I make sure that I check in on myself daily. No longer are the days that I felt like everyone else should come before me. I’m more relaxed and I wake up with such joy more now. I have let go of some things and slowly working on letting go of other things in my life. I like who I’m becoming and how I’m able to say no or I just don’t want to without guilt. I have found myself wanting to write more. I have found myself just enjoying this space that I’m in. This isn’t an overnight process and I have tons of work to do, but I’m not going to stop this time. I have made so many necessary steps to my happiness. No turning back now.

Tough conversation:

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I want to have a tough conversation if you will. Why is there still racism? I truly don’t understand why there is so much hate for someone’s skin color. If you paint, draw, or design you just color right? So do you dislike a crayon color? How can you dislike the color of someone’s skin? I’m not my skin color. I’m so much deeper than you can possibly imagine right now. When do we begin to love and stop hating a color? You can dislike an individual be we are not all the same but let we are labeled all the same. Can we have this conversation?

Open doors, closed doors:

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Sometimes you think you have found the one. Whether it be a job, relationship, house, or whatever. And then something happens that the door closes to that opportunity. Well, that is what happened to me with the job that I had. I now know that even though you think something is right for you it may not be. Always go with your gut instinct because it may be right. I’m happy for closed doors but happier for open doors. I have interviews this week and I know that I will get the right job for me. I feel like so many people are hiring and they are not ready for the new people who come in which is okay. But if the higher-ups have an attitude with you about it well that’s not your fault. Things should be handled and taken care of before the new people get there. Just because it seems like a good fit doesn’t mean it always is. There is something out there for everyone. Whatever you’re looking for whether it’s a job, house, relationship, or whether I hope the right door opens up for you this week. And everything that you are not meant to have because it’s not good for you closes as well.

Question:

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So I have a question for you. Do you believe that when you are in a relationship with someone that one person loves or does more than the other person? I would say that’s true. I have been that person past and present and I wonder why. I don’t know if it’s what I have seen growing up or just in me period. I’ve always been a giver and I always want to make sure that people know that I care. Maybe in some ways, that’s a good thing, but I have seen it where people do take advantage of you because you are nice and kind. But does it matter who much or how little you do for someone?

Oh happy day:

This year has had its fair share of ups and downs. But this month things are certainly looking up. I have been out of work for a year and 3 months. I would apply for jobs just for them to tell me I’m overqualified or they were not hiring at the time. It got very discouraging and I would often hear people stating that people on unemployment are lazy and not looking for work. Well, I will say this, I was not one of them. I don’t like sitting at home with anything to do. I have goals and things that I want to do and that takes money. I’m happy to say that I got a job this week and I start on Monday. I had to learn in this time that I asked God to give me a job that I can grow at. A job that cares about its employees and something close to home. God gave me that and more. I just had to be patient when all the doors around me were closing. Not every door is meant to go through and I was blessed that God never let us go without. If you know anything about living off of one income it can be tough. I’m truly grateful for my husband and him being the main provider during this time. I haven’t been on unemployment in like 15 years and I was only on it for a month. It can be a lot and people don’t understand that because they are not on the other side of the situation. All I have to say is that I’m glad that God answered my prayers. We have never been in a pandemic like this before and before people start judging one another please take a walk in someone else’s shoes.

Don’t stop dreaming:

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It’s been a while since I allowed myself to just dream. I have dreams but I have placed them on hold. I use to daydream all the time and I guess I have let myself stop dreaming. I’m not sure why I have allowed myself to do that. But it’s okay to dream again. It’s okay to want to do things that may seem impossible. We all have dreams but it is up to us whether or not they come true. Your dream may be small or big, but the point is to never stop dreaming. I know since this pandemic there have been people who had dreams and made them come true. I on the other hand had put my dream to the side for a while. No matter where you are in life right now, never let your dream die. Dream again because you never know where that dream will take you.