All I really want:

Photo by mohamed Abdelgaffar on Pexels.com

I went to church today feeling different. I didn’t want to worship, I half-listened to the sermon. I felt out of place. I feel angry, hurt, sad and just tired. What am I doing wrong? I’m tired of people asking me how I feel when to be honest I don’t know. I’m tired of having a smile that’s not genuine. I’m tired of people thinking I’m acting weird when I don’t know why I feel this way or why I’m going through what I’m going through. I get people care, but stop. I feel like I want to be alone with no one around me. I feel like God left me months ago and my prayers are not being heard and will never be answered. I feel like I’m drowning in my own misery. I try not to think about it and go on like I’m fine but I’m not. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. I really do. I hate not really being able to communicate how I truly feel. I don’t need pity or sympathy. I need someone to care if I don’t know the right words. I need someone to care if they see tears running down my face. I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE. After church, I went up to a lady that I know giving her an update and she asked me why I didn’t go down for prayer. I told her without hesitation that whatever the outcome is I’m okay with it and I have made peace. She wasn’t buying that and took me down for prayer. Something came alive in me again as this lady prayed for me, but it felt like as soon as the prayer was over my heart harden again, because God hasn’t been answering my prayers so far why would he start now? It’s hard and I’m not okay. My tears and pain are real. I’m tired of the test I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I just want a job. I just want this sadness to go away. I just want people to really care about me. That’s all that I want.

I care to much:

Sometimes I feel like a broken record to people. I give my advice, attention, and suggestions. Only to feel like people only care about you when it’s convenient for them. No matter if you say I love you, it’s words. No matter if you show them you love them it’s not good enough. I try to be there for people as much as I can, but lately, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. I’m tired physically and mentally. I have a lot going on between my health and looking for a job. I feel like people take me for granted. I don’t genuinely feel appreciated. My problem I think I care too much about people and how they are feeling. I care about what they think. I need to stop. This is my flaw my thorn and I need to stop.

Health update:

I just wanted to update you on my health. Yesterday I went to see the cardiologist and I have to wear a heart monitor for two weeks. I also have to have a stress test and sonogram done on my heart next week. The doctor thinks I have inflammation and I may have fluid around my heart. I have to call my insurance company today to see how much this is going to cost me. I may have to cancel my appointment if it is too much. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks

The marriage article:

I read an article that rubbed me the wrong way. It stated that people don’t care about marriage anymore they just like to attend the wedding. That people put more time and effort into the wedding then they do there marriage. Well, let me just say yes I agree with some parts but not all the article. Then the article goes on to say that after the honeymoon couples find themselves not really sure if they want to stay married? WHAT. Okay, I’m old fashion when I said I do I knew that my marriage wasn’t going to be all fun times. I know that we were going to have some rough moments but I was committed to my husband. We all marry someone flawed but if you put more time and effort into that one day then you’re missing the whole point of marriage and being one. So many people go into debt over that one day. It took me years to get married. I didn’t want to just marry anyone I wanted to marry the one. I was 33 when I got married and I’m glad that I waited because just marrying to get married wasn’t my goal. I see so many of my friends get married early and now are divorced and on there second and third marriage. I wish that the younger generation could truly understand the meaning of marriage and how it works. Yes, there are some marriages that people do need to get out of for different reasons and safety. I’m not talking about those marriages I’m talking about waking up one morning and saying you don’t love this person or maybe you made a mistake. Instead of blaming your spouse how about you look in the mirror and do some work on yourself. We are all flawed people. Marriage is not just for this one big day, marriage is for life. And we have to find ways to keep the spark, love, romance and the reason why we fell in love in the first place alive. It’s not about the things that make a marriage, it’s about commitment.

Where is my faith?:

I’ve been down on myself lately and the negative talk that I’m giving myself is not helping. I don’t know why I don’t trust God in my situation. I don’t know why I force myself to make things happen. I want what I want now and if it’s not in God’s will for it to happen now then it won’t. No matter how much I feel like I should be here instead of there. Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Why does it seem like in the hard times I doubt and don’t have the faith that I should? Why is it when things are going right I fully trust the Lord? I don’t always like waiting but there are times when I do need to wait. Because when I take it upon myself to make things happen it just gets worse. I know that I need to make some changes in my life and take this opportunity to pray and trust that God will deliver me from this. Life isn’t always going to be easy but I need to be content in any state that I’m in.

Just Stop:

As a woman, I have been independent longer than I have been married. And I’m realizing that I don’t have to do it all on my own anymore. Why is it so hard for me to let others help me? I’m always fussing at my husband and daughter, but I don’t give them the chance to do the things that I fuss about because I’m so busy doing it myself. I get it my way. I don’t allow people to help because I feel like I can do it all on my own and when I can’t I get mad. But why? I’m the problem not them. So many times I do this to myself and I had to stop and say your the problem. Either you fix yourself or you stop complaining about what others are not doing. I don’t give them time to do anything, to be honest. And it’s not like I’m controlling the situation I’m just a doer and I like to have and get things done. I’m working on me and learning not to fuss at them for not doing things.

Pride:

As I reflect on this weekend I have learned that I have a heart issue. My heart issue is pride. I didn’t want my husband to stay with me when he drove me to the hospital, but he did. And I was happy about it. I’m the type of person who takes care of others and I don’t want others to take care of me. It’s the pride I know but more importantly, I’m missing out on a blessing. It’s a blessing to have someone want to stay with you to help you. I get home and my husband and daughter didn’t want me to do anything. It felt weird but I was too exhausted to even argue with them. They took really good care of me. I need to work on letting others take care of me. I thought that I had my pride in check but I don’t. I know what it means to want to help someone and I should let others do that for me. I’m a work in progress and I’m learning.

Yesterday:

Yesterday was probably the scariest day in some years for me. I went to the ER with chest pains and was immediately taken back to a room where an EKG was done. Then blood work, chest x-ray, and CT scan. It was all so fast it made my head spin. The doctor and staff were truly amazing. They talked to me about what was happening and the next steps. It was a comfort to feel truly cared about. The good news is I didn’t have a heart attack, no blood clot or anything serious like that. The bad news is that I have to see a cardiologist on Monday. They think it could be inflammation or something going on with my heart. I have a family history of heart issues on my mom’s side. But I’ve never had anything wrong with my heart. So please keep me lifted in prayer. Yesterday was rough for me and I’m resting today.

Happy Birthday:

Today should be a happy day for me but it’s not. Today would have been my grandpa’s birthday. I miss him so much that words can’t explain. I would have loved to hear him cheer for the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday and talk football. That was our thing football and the love of the game. But today I would love to call him and say happy birthday and hear him laugh and say it’s my birthday. I’m doing better about you not being here but it’s still hard. You were like a dad to me grandpa. Happy Birthday. I miss you so much.

Who's on your team?:

I’m a huge football fan so today I’m excited about the SuperBowl. I use to love the 49ers until I was in middle school then the Steelers became my team. But none the less I’m excited about today. But today has taught me somethings. You need a team in life. You need people who are going to support you, cheer you on, encourage you and also take some hits with you. But building that team is never easy. You go through ups and downs with people until you find that right team. Some you have to get rid of, some are injured and some well they should have never been on your team, to begin with. But the important lesson is on any team your never alone, your never doing life alone. Get you a team that will always cheer you on. We all need a team to make it through life.