How are you doing?:

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How is everyone doing? I know with everything going on we forget about ourselves. Please take care of yourself and do self-health care. I’m doing great. I have 2 phone interviews this week. I’m super excited about this since most companies are not doing any hiring at this time. With my daughter being out of school and my husband working from home, it’s been fun. I love the fact that we can do what we need to do without getting on one another’s nerves. It’s nice but still stressful not knowing what each day will bring. I know that my anxiety has been bad but I have to understand that we are all sacred and uncertain. Everyone, please take care of yourselves and your love ones.

What if there is no graduation:

I want everyone to be safe and to not hoard all the supplies. But I’m going to say this and yes I feel selfish but my daughter graduates from high school in May. And to be honest it’s going to hurt if she doesn’t get to walk to get her diploma. My last child and I may not get to see her graduate. It hurts but I know the importance of staying safe. I’m being honest about how I feel. She has to do online schooling right now because her school is closed this week. But this is just how I feel. Safety is so important right now and if I can’t see her graduate then I have to be okay with this.

Poem:

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God I’m drowning in wanting to have peace
I feel like I place value on trying to please others
God why haven’t I put my trust in you
I was seeking others but didn’t find you
I want to be closer to you Lord and lean on you always
God I need your peace and comfort all around me
God show me your love and let it surround me
God I want to be loved by others but they have faults
You will never leave me nor forsake me
God I need your love and peace
God I need you your the one that I seek

This to shall pass:

I had a really good weekend, but here’s what hurts the most. My dad went to one of my cousin’s wedding this weekend. WHOA. My dad hasn’t shown up for me on anything, but you couldn’t come to see me last weekend. But here you are at my cousin’s wedding. I’m glad that he spent time with my sons but when should I be important in his life? When should I matter? When will you show up for me? Those questions don’t even matter anymore because I have gone on with my life. I still care about him but I don’t talk to him anymore. I don’t want to be around him anymore. But it shows me more and more how less important I am to him.

Am I wrong?:

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Have you ever just wanted to enjoy somethings alone? Have you ever been made to feel guilty because you want to enjoy doing some things alone? I have shows or just want to listen to a podcast alone, but sometimes when I watch my shows my husband always wants to ask me about it or go back, etc. It bothers me a lot. I try to watch my shows when he is not around, but sometimes I can’t do that. Why does it frustrate me so much when I want to watch something in peace and I can’t get that peace. Am I wrong? I don’t mind him watching things with me but I do mind the questions and wanting to always have conversations about it. Maybe it’s me but maybe it’s not. We should all have moments of doing things alone right?

Forgiveness:

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I need to work on my forgiveness. I went to bed mad last night and I was okay with that. But this morning when I got up I apologized to my husband. I’m lucky because God woke me up this morning. But what if I didn’t wake up this morning? Why am I okay going to bed mad and not caring about saying I’m sorry? I’m not okay with it but I do have a hard time apologizing to people. I’m a work in progress I know. But one thing that I have learned is when I do go to bed mad I don’t sleep very well. Last night was a rough sleep as well. But the point is tomorrow is not promised so don’t let your pride get in the way.

What now:

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I can’t believe that starting a new chapter would be so hard. It seems like the devil has been attacking me so hard. I felt like releasing baggage and letting people go would be so easy and simple but it hasn’t been. I got a bomb dropped on me yesterday from someone I’m super close to. I’m hurt and wondering where our relationship will go from here. I don’t understand why so much has been happening to me. I felt like releasing the bad energy and putting positive energy out would be great but it hasn’t been. I know that I will be okay but man when will I start having a much-needed break. I’m truly continuing to work on me and love me despite what is going on around me.

Taken me back:

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I feel lighter than I have in months. I’m letting go of all things that have weighed me down for years. Not only have I let go of not having my dad in my life, but I’m also opening my heart and being more vulnerable about how I feel. I don’t try to hide behind a mask anymore. I’m embracing my truth. I have learned that life is way to short to let others have power over me. I’m working on myself and loving myself to being a better person. My peace doesn’t come from others it comes from the Lord. My joy and happiness is on me and not about others. I’m sure that I will shed other loads from my life soon. This is just beginning to doing better and being better. God is doing great work in my life. I know that holding on to so much baggage has taken a toll on my heart. I’m taking my health back as well. It’s time to get me together.

New chapter:

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It’s hard closing a chapter in your life and starting new. The person you want to share your life with is no longer apart of your life. So this new chapter is going to be interesting. I feel like I wanted his time and attention so much that I didn’t value other people’s time and attention. I’m learning that I didn’t appreciate the people who love me the most. I was so focused on one person that I neglected others. I’m not doing that anymore. I have gotten an outpour of love and I’m going to appreciate these people more in my life. Life is to short to just want and need one relationship. This new chapter is going to be a good one. I’m working on myself and loving those around me.

A change of heart:

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Time to clean up this heart of mines. It’s time to release something that I have been holding on to. It’s time to let go of old baggage and get me right again. I’ve noticed that I haven’t been vulnerable to the people closet to me. I’ve been holding on to a lot of baggage that has weighed me down. I haven’t been talking about the things that I’ve been dealing with because I don’t want to burden people and because I thought that I was strong enough to handle things. But it’s time to cleanse this heart and soul. It’s time to get my heart back right. I’m about to make some serious changes in my life and how I let others treat me. I’m about to get serious about releasing stress, self-care and truly loving me. I’m about to let it all go away. When your tired of all the weight that has been on your heart it’s time to release it. I’m ready for a better me and life. It’s time to take my heart back.