On my journey, I’ve had to make some hard decisions. But these decisions are what is best for me. 1. I can’t be everything that people need me to be. 2. If you ask for my advice and don’t take it, I’m okay. I can’t make you take my advice but whatever decision you make it’s on you. 3. If you think you know more than me okay. If your younger than me and feel like you have lived a life that you know more then I guess you do. 4. I’m not holding back. I’m going to say exactly how I feel for now on. You can tell me how you feel but I don’t think that I won’t anymore. 5. I’m not okay with not being enough. For now on I see myself as enough. Always and forever. 6. My happiness doesn’t depend on you. My happiness depends on me. See I’m learning to let people do them because I’m going to do me. I can’t baby my kids anymore. I can’t be a friend to people who don’t want to be a friend to me. I can’t be a good communicator to my husband if he doesn’t listen. My chest was very heavy but not anymore. I cried and prayed too long for this pain to be removed. And it finally happened. I’m not going back to the pain and heaviness anymore. I refuse to be anything and anyone less than myself. My self-talk is different. My love for myself is different. I’m different. I’m on this journey to do better and be better every day.
I’m learning what I enjoy and what brings me peace. I had to take the time to talk to myself and let me know to stop doing it all and trying to be all. I need to take care of myself and love me more. I read that you have to make your home a place of peace for yourself. I had always looked at my home as something that I had to always clean and people can come to visit. But I never thought of my home as a place of peace. I have truly let some hard things go in my life. And the weight that was keeping me down isn’t keeping me down anymore. Learning what brings me joy and incorporating that in my life daily is what I’m doing. It’s weird I love flowers but couldn’t take care of plants. I would always over water or to much sun. But I’ve become a plant mom now. I got another plant yesterday and something about taking care of something has brought me joy. My kids are grown and now I have my plants. I’m learning about the types of plants that I have and how to take care of them. So far so good. I’m learning what brings me peace. So far it’s walking, reading, writing, spending time with people, my plants, and God. I told my husband that this way my last plant for awhile. He doesn’t mind I think he’s just happy seeing me smile.
I’m on this new journey of learning how to breathe, forgive and let things go. I’m not very good at forgiveness but this is much needed in my life. To many things are weighing me down. Life is to short to do the same things and get the same results. After last Sunday I need to find my joy and happiness. I have to move on in order to heal and let love truly in. One step at a time. One day at a time.
I’ve been going through it and I haven’t let anyone in. I’ve been hiding my feelings from everyone. Some of it has to do with my medicine that I’m taking for endometriosis and the some of it just from me. I’m not going lie I have been moody and not wanting to be bothered by anyone. Not like me at all, but it is one of the side effects from the medicine that I was on. I just felt so alone like all the things that were bothering me was just trapped inside of me and I wasn’t sure how to let anyone in. To be honest I didn’t know if I wanted to let anyone in. Then Sunday came and I was lying in bed listening to gospel music and the flood gates of my tears just opened. I can’t explain it, it was like all the pain that I had trapped in me just released. It felt so good, my chest stopped hurting and the crying felt so good. I felt like I had released so much pain. After I had my cry I feel asleep and when I woke up that morning it felt like I was free. Like I understood what I needed to do. I can’t keep holding stuff in and I can’t keep allowing people to hurt me. I can’t be okay with these things anymore. I’m important and I understand my worth. I wrote an email to my husband and other’s expressing how I was feeling and why. I know that some of you are like why didn’t you talk to them. I’m better at expressing myself on paper then I am at talking. And with talking people interrupt you. I needed to get some things off my chest without any interruptions. I needed to say what I had to say. I’m glad that I did it because it brought about better understanding and it brought about a much needed conversation. I’m not perfect but one thing about me that I truly lack is communication when it comes to my marriage and friendships. I HATE telling people how I truly feel because people don’t always understand or care. Well I can’t let that bother me anymore. I have to be me and tell my truth. It’s not to offend anyone because it will be said in love. I have so much to learn and so much to let go of and I’m trying. All I can do is take one day at a time and one step at a time.
I’m the type of person who can make friends easily. But have you ever no matter how many friends you have felt lonely? Have you felt like no matter how much interaction you have with people you still feel alone?
I found this quote from a book I’m currently reading. To be honest, this weekend has been the worse. I’m not feeling good. My chest hurts, headache and stomach hurt. Luckily today the only thing that hurts still is my stomach. I’m tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of holding the pain in. I’m tired of people not listening. I’m tired of doing it all. I’m tired of not being appreciated. I’m tired of hurting and holding it all in. No, I can’t go back and change the beginning, but I need to change how things are going to end. There are relationships that I’m just tired of putting my time and effort into. I’m at a point where I don’t care if they last or not. I’m tired. I know I’m not the only one who has gotten to this point.
I had read this book years ago but decided to read it again. This book had my emotions all over the place. This book was powerful and touching. This book held a friendship like no other. But in the end one person felt the friendship wasn’t worth it. They lost a true friend and in the end they learned that life is to short not to do right. Going back home one last time would bring back memories and enemies once forgotten.
I’m just trying to have a conversation with you But you don’t hear me and you say it’s not true Stop trying to fix me and listen to my heart I have so much to say but where do I start You interrupt me like you know what I’m about to say You can’t understand why you push me away I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs Are you finish are you done You don’t know what it means to be friends How do I start and where do I begin You don’t see the pain deep in my heart You use to always listen to me from the start What has changed and what has gone wrong I just need you to be my friend, so what went wrong Stop trying to fix what’s not broken My heart is on the verge of about to be broken I don’t know how much more I can take I use to love how you listen and supported me But that’s all gone and there is no more of me
Have you ever read something that was dealing with a situation you are currently dealing with? Man let me tell you I was reading my daily devotionals and it was talking about our words. Are the words that you use kind, compassionate? When someone makes you mad or says something that you don’t like is your words mean and unloving? I’ve noticed that every time my husband say’s something to me that I don’t like I get upset. Sometimes the things that he says are for my benefit but I don’t feel like it’s out of love. And other times I feel like he is just picking on me. But what if someone says the same thing that he did, well I don’t get as upset. But what I told him is that some people use compassion and grace where I feel like he is being harsh. I need to understand that I’m putting my feelings into what he is saying because I feel like he should say it in a better way. Just because it’s not how I like doesn’t mean that I have to be harsh in return. You should always treat others how you want and like to be treated. I don’t always do this with those who are closest to me. I really should because if I don’t want my feelings hurt then I shouldn’t hurt someone else’s feelings as well. Life is all about lessons and I’m trying to learn to do better.