Growth:

Photo by Jennifer Murray on Pexels.com

This is a new season and I feel myself changing. Besides my allergies acting up I have seen some growth in me. And others have mentioned how much I have changed (in a good way). And to be honest I didn’t know what they were talking about until a conversation popped up and my husband mentioned to me that I don’t become angry when talking about his parents anymore. If you don’t know the story well let’s just say his parents and I don’t get along. Well, it’s mostly his mom that I don’t get along with. She has done somethings and said somethings to try to ruin my marriage. She has always been a thorn in my side, but I didn’t even realize that when he was mentioning them. It just felt like a normal conversation about other people. I’m so proud of myself because we could never just have a conversation about them without me blowing up. But I’m at peace where we are so this is a huge milestone for me. And also when talking about my kid’s dad I don’t get angry and blow up anymore. I have moved on and I’m truly at peace with where our relationships are ( which means we don’t have one). I felt like I would always have to deal with my anger when it came to these two. But now hearing their names or even talking about them in conversations doesn’t bother me anymore. The growth I have come a long way. I’m proud of myself for maturing into the woman that I want to be. Trust me this process was not easy and it didn’t happen overnight. As I always say life is a journey.

Struggling to understand:

Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas on Pexels.com

I’m struggling to put into words how I’m feeling about all that is going on right now. When are we going to stop hating each other? When will skin color not matter anymore? When will someone being different not matter anymore? What has happened to love and being excepting of others? Stop Asian hate. How about we stop the hate period! And then there was the mass shooting in Colorado. I’m not understanding at all how you can have that much energy to do evil and not good? What is truly going on with people? It’s more than a mental health issue. I believe we need to start caring more for people and showing it. The words we speak have consequences and we need to take a moment to think about what we are putting out. So many people have died for no reason at all. Just because someone got up that morning and decided that they were not that important to live anymore. This hurts so much. When will this madness end? I’m tired of seeing people (period) dying. It doesn’t matter your skin color. When will common sense kick in? This is troubling, to say the least, and I don’t know how to make things better. Trust if I did I would. We can all agree to disagree without killing one another.

My struggle:

Photo by Keenan Constance on Pexels.com

We all deal with struggles, but some struggles can affect our lives. One of my struggles is I’m a product of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. They say that divorce is hard for the parents, but it’s also hard for the kids. My mom was hurt and very bitter regarding her divorce. I heard about her dislike for my dad often and it made me never want to get married. While my dad just went on with his life and got married again. But what I didn’t realize is how much it affected me. As I got older I dealt with men who cheated on me and it triggered something in me from my past. My dad cheated on my mom and got another woman pregnant and it crushed my mom. And I felt like I was going down the same path that my mom had gone down but I wasn’t married. But I had to realize that I wasn’t my mom and that I had to move on. When I got married I was so excited but in the back of my mind, I always felt like what if I get divorced? This question has always been a pain on my side. My husband hasn’t cheated on me and he told me that he wasn’t going anywhere. I’m either going to trust him or I will always be plagued with this annoying question. But one thing that I do realize being married for 10 years is that you have to have two people who are committed to one another. If one person is half in and the other is all in then it just might not work. Another thing is that you can’t compare your life with someone else’s life. This has been my struggle for many years, but I have learned to let it go. I can’t keep dwelling on this question. They say that love conquers all but I believe two people who truly want this to work conquers all.

See your worth:

I’m sitting here trying to type with dirty glasses. How can we see anything if we never clean our vision? I was walking and noticed this gorgeous tree, but the beauty of it wasn’t at all what I was seeing. I had to take off my glasses to fully see just how beautiful it was. When you don’t take the time to see things as they really are you don’t fully understand just how beautiful something can be. Ladies when you look in the mirror do you see everything that is wrong with you or do you see everything right with you? Why do we focus so much on the negative and hardly the positive? It’s time that we cleaned our glasses and see the beauty all around us. It’s so disappointing when we as women have to make ourselves something that we are not to attract a man. Listen I’m a sweat, t-shirt, and tennis shoe type of chick. It’s what’s more comfortable for me but I do dress up and get cute. But I do it for me more than for my husband. I have always not felt comfortable in my skin. I was that female who dressed to impress her man but what made him find me attractive didn’t make me feel attractive. And I was more important than him because I knew my self-worth was more important. Listen I’m not saying for you not to dress up and look good, but make sure you feel good in whatever you have on. Make sure you can look in the mirror and see all your positives and not the negatives. Ladies, you are beautiful, and never forget that. Your light shines even when you don’t think it does. Lift up your heads and know your worth. Trust me this is something that I need also. I don’t always see the positives when I look in the mirror. But I’m working on telling myself each day what I like about myself.

Thankful:

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

As I’m sitting here listening to the rain and drinking my coffee. I have to admit how thankful I am. So many times I take things and people for granted. No matter what goes on in my day I want people to know that I appreciate them. Last weekend is no different. My husband took off Friday and we hung out all day. He could have done the things that he needed to do but he made the day about us-me. It felt nice to be able to do some of the things that I enjoy. But I do admit I don’t always say thank you enough. I don’t always say sorry enough. And most important I don’t always listen to hear what he has to say. I hear but if it’s something that I don’t like my attitude kicks back in. But I’m working on that. We all need to hear how we can do better and be better without getting our feelings hurt. He doesn’t say things to hurt me but I take it that way. I’m a firm believer in it’s not what you say but how you say it. But when it’s done in love I should receive it in love. I’m working on being more thankful to those around me and those who are not. So let me just say I’m thankful to have you reading my blog and going on this journey called life with me. You all are amazing and make what I do more meaningful. Thank you for just being you. Have a great day.

Book review:

This book was heavy. It was a lot to take in. To know what was taking place and how much all we wanted was to be equal. That’s a lot to take in. You want the right to vote, sit at a lunch counter, and be served. Knowing that people didn’t see us as humans, well that hurt. This book was deep and heavy for me.

Book review:

This is my first time reading a book by this author. At first, I’m not gonna lie I didn’t want to read about the typical black kid who gets locked up and that’s the end of the story for him. But the story doesn’t go as I thought that it would and I’m glad about it. Check out my review.

What happens when your dad get’s arrested and you feel like you have no one on your side? Your mom’s boyfriend doesn’t want you around because your not his son. And the only friend that you have goes off to private school? You make another family with people you think care about you. But then a cop get’s shot and you take the blame for something you didn’t do. Who cares about you now?

I gave this book 5 stars because the lessons and the level of care that this author had for her characters was amazing. You should check this book out.

Changes:

Photo by Scott Webb on Pexels.com

Spring forward. Well, I’m glad to have more sunlight in the evenings now. The time change has got me thinking, when do things change in our lives? I know that I have made some changes that I feel have benefited me, but why does it take so long to make the necessary changes? Season’s change and time change but do we change? Change is hard to come by. But I noticed that the more that I change the better my life gets. But why does it take so long? I’m stubborn and I don’t want to change all the time. Sometimes I feel like I don’t need to change and other people should. But when I think about it the more I change the more people around me either change or show their true colors. Change is necessary for growth. But just like the seasons and time we need to change as well.

What is normal anymore?:

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So what is normal anymore? Will we ever go back to the way things used to be? I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee and thinking about how things used to be. I remember there was a time I could call up some friends and say let’s do lunch. Hang out with the hubby all day just out and about. I remember having a girl’s day with my daughter. So what is the new normal? I have more anxiety now than back when normal was normal. But now that things are opened up what does normal look like? Most date nights are at home, but should we venture out and have a date night? Is it worth going to the mall? What about hanging out with friends? How is the normal going to work? What if you haven’t gotten the shot and some have? Can you get together then? What about going to church is that even safe? Where do we even begin to navigate a new normal? I know so many companies that still have their employees working from home. Could this be the new normal? Could business that closed return again? What happens when the mutations of the virus are worse? Then what? You see I have so many questions but no answers. What is the new normal? Will we even have a new normal? Maybe the new normal is what you create.

Anxiety-let’s talk:

Photo by Burak K on Pexels.com

I’m not going to lie last year was hard. How do you go from seeing people and working to nothing? I miss hugging people because I’m a big hugger. I miss having lunch with my friends. I miss going to work. I haven’t worked since last year. I miss just hanging out with my husband at our normal hangouts. But now that Texas has opened up it doesn’t feel right anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me I just feel okay not hanging out with my friends. I want to but I have so much anxiety about it. I have anxiety just going into a grocery store. My anxiety has gotten the best of me I’m not going to lie. But how do I calm my nerves? Even though we have a vaccine out my anxiety is still on 1000%. So am I the only one with this feeling? Let me know your thoughts.