This is a very hard post for me to write, but I feel like right now people are hurting. It’s okay to tell your truth when you have healed from it to help others out. 20 odd years ago I had an abortion. No, I’m not happy about it at all. It was honestly one of the darkest moments in my life. A part of myself died that day, it’s something that will stay with me until I die. I can’t tell anyone what to do with their bodies, but I feel like people who have had an abortion are looked at as evil. Trust me I’m not an evil person at all. The only person who knew that I had an abortion was my kid’s dad and then I told my husband later. I was ashamed and felt empty. But no one know what was going on with my body but my doctor and myself. I’m not telling anyone that abortion is right or wrong, but understand we all have made hard decision’s in our lives that we are not proud of. I have friends who were raped by family members and people that they didn’t know and had to make the difficult decision to abort a child. Not everyone who has an abortion is irresponsible things have happened to them that made them make this decision. Please before you judge me and other’s her their story. I have read so many stories about how people feel about people who have had an abortion. We are not bad people, just made a decision that’s not right for everyone. Just know that people who have had one deal with this pain daily.
When I tell you that I’m crushed and disappointed that my new job didn’t work out. I believe that people should put their best foot forward. When you come to train please be positive and not talk bad about the other employees. And then don’t have an attitude because people are asking questions. When I say that my experience was horrible, it was just that. I feel like a disappointment to my husband and myself. I felt like this job was the one and I passed on other jobs for this one. I’m hugely disappointed. I’m back to job hunting again. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers because this is getting to me.
I was in the Dollar Tree one day and I found a couple of books that caught my interest. I was excited to get home and read this book. I had heard so many people talk about the books that they had found at the dollar tree and how much they enjoyed them. Well let me tell you, this book did not do it for me. I don’t know what it is about this book, but I couldn’t get into it at all. It was so confusing and it started so slow. I didn’t enjoy this book at all. If you have read this book and you think I should give it another try then please let me know. But this book is a no go for me.
So today I turn another year older and hopefully wiser. For my birthday I ask you all to be kind to yourself. To take time to do something special for yourself.
When things happen that are out of your control. Sometimes you feel like here we go again or you feel your a failure. I ended my job last month. And going back into looking for a job was so depressing. I knew I would find something but when was the problem. I 🙏 that I would have a job by my birthday. And we’ll I got a job before my birthday. Im in a new industry, new title and the highest pay I have ever had. I 🙏 that this job will grow me and stretch me. I 🙏 that this is my last job for years. I don’t want to job hunt anymore. Life is looking up for me.
While I’m working on myself. I have to work on my patience. I’m starting to get down on myself because I haven’t gotten a job yet. Yes, I’m going through staffing companies, but with that, they are trying to send me places that are way too far. Listening if I have to google the name of the city it’s probably too far. I’m trying to have better self-talk when it comes to this situation. No, I haven’t been out of work long, but it’s still getting frustrating. Any advice on how to be patient in this area of my life?
This year I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to make it a priority to work on myself and become a better me. And I’m happy to say that I’m proud of where I am at. It has been a lot of hard work and sacrifice to get to where I am now. It hasn’t been easy but it has been worth it. I took the time to see where I needed to improve in my life and how certain behaviors were affecting others. When you look yourself in the mirror and you don’t like what you see on the inside then it’s time to change some things. It’s not always about others but more about yourself. I have been working hard on myself and I will continue to work on myself because I have seen a change in the people around me for the better. One thing that I have learned is that I won’t give up on myself anymore.
I’m a huge fan of BeBe and CeCe Winans. I got married to one of BeBe Winans songs. So when I saw his book in the store I had to get it. But this book felt a little like I’m not sure how to explain it. But I thought it would be more and when it didn’t go deep like I thought it would well I was disappointed. The book starts off talking about his brother Ronald and going to the hospital to see him before he passed away. Then it goes on to talk about how he started his music career. I felt like I wanted more but it fell flat for me.
Is my past truly behind me? And the answer to that question is no. Interestingly, what I need from my husband is to feel needed, loved, and wanted. Don’t get me wrong he does all that, but I need more of it. I need the verbal aspect of this because when growing up I never got to see my dad. He would make promises to come and see me during the summer and never show up. Then I get into a relationship during my high school years that was verbal, physical, and mentally abusive. There was so much cheating and that followed me through several other relationships. At least I didn’t have to ask the people that I was with how they felt about me because they showed me all the time. Yes, they gave me the verbal as well, but my husband is very different. There is no cheating or abuse but my husband isn’t as verbal as I want him to be with me. And right now I need more validation than I thought that I would need. We all go through different seasons in our marriage and this is my season. And I had to think back to my past and realize that I haven’t let the past relationships go because I have been wondering when my husband was going to do these things to me. And in the 12 years, we have been together and 11 years married he hasn’t done any of this to me. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know how to react and handle that situation. But when someone treats you well and makes sure that you were good, I don’t really know how to handle this in my life. But I have to let my past be my past and understand that we all need someone good in our lives. No, my husband is not perfect but he is perfect for me. He’s not Mr. Touchy feelie but I understand the man he is and what he is to me. I have to move past my past and appreciate who I have and what he brings to my life. It’s time for the past to stay where it is and that’s the past.
Can you believe it. Yesterday was my 4 year blog anniversary. I can’t believe I have been blogging this long. Thank you to everyone who has followed me from day one to now.