When I tell you that my 40’s have my eyes WIDE open. Chile you can’t tell me anything. When I tell you that I’m sticking to my boundaries and I’m creating a space for me to thrive. Well, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Honey, I don’t know why it took me so long to get here. Hold up yes I do, because I’m kind, caring and always put others’ needs before my own. Well not no more, well within limits I should say. I’m not that heartless and cold. Who is this new woman? I love me some her. I have been through storms and valleys, and when I tell you that I see the rainbow. I see the rainbow and I’m going to be alright. It’s been hard and I shed so many tears. But why keep crying about things that I can change? Happiness hello it’s me and I’m here to stay. Joy girl where have you been, I’m here to stay. Patience chile it’s been a long time and I’m here to stay. Confidence well we ain’t never been friends, but you’re my new BFF. This journey is just being and I have tons left to do to be where I want to be. I’m not giving up and I definitely won’t be looking back.
My problem has always been that I’m trying to not redo my past. But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is I keep looking back to my past. The past is the past for a reason. Why do I keep looking back to it? It is because of the people in my past? Is it because I’m not over my past? I believe it’s a combination of both. I can’t fully see my future if I’m always looking back. I can’t truly let go of things if I’m looking in the rearview mirror. So much of me has been consumed by my past and the things that I need to let go of. How can I truly heal and lead a life that I want if I’m consistently looking back? I have great memories from my past but I also have great hurts. And instead of focusing on the great memories, I linger on the hurt. The hurt does nothing to project me forward in my future. I should have been so much further ahead by now. But I’m not because I can’t look at two places at once. Either I’m going to concentrate on my future or I’m going to dwell on my past. It seems like an easy choice but so many times we make the wrong decision. But I’m not going down that path anymore. I have given too much time and energy to my past. So goodbye past it’s not me it’s you. Hello, future I’m so sorry I didn’t concentrate on you sooner. I promise to give you my undivided attention from now on. Future I’m ready to keep an open heart and mind about you. Let’s begin this journey.
I have made a conscious decision to redo my boundaries list. That list has got to go because it wasn’t working or maybe the person who made the list just didn’t stick to it. Either way, I’m throwing it out and I’m recreating a new list. I made so serious changes yesterday and let my household know of those changes. I’m really going to have to stick to my guns on this because if I don’t change won’t happen. I’m having to let go of how much I’m available to my friends. My mental health is super important and I need to start making myself a priority.
It’s time for me to regroup and refocus on myself. I’m still trying to figure out where did I lose myself at? I was setting boundaries and doing great. I feel like I took 20 steps forward just to take 100 steps backward. I can no longer forget about myself and my worth. I’m so convenient to people all the time and I neglect myself for the sake of others. I don’t understand why I do that, wait yes I do. I have always been the one that people can rely on and be there for. But how many people have shown up for me? Not many I can tell you that. It’s time to do something different and get serious about taking care of myself. NO MORE NEGLECT OF MYSELF. I’m so serious this time. It’s time to create healthy boundaries and if people can’t follow those boundaries then I don’t need them in my life.
I have been told by many that I’m a rare friend. I will check on you to make sure that your good and I will remember your birthday. I’m that friend who checks on you weekly and celebrates all the highs in your life. And I’m that friend who will be there during the lows as well. No matter how long it has been since we have seen each other I always check on you. I keep your secrets and encourage you. I’m there for them through storms and trails. I’m that friend who will be on the phone with you for 3 hours while you cry your eyes out and vent. I will send you cards to let you know that I’m thinking about you or a funny card to make you laugh. I’m that friend whom you can call or text and I will always respond. That’s the type of friend that I am. But when it comes to me well people fall very short. No one texts or calls me first. There is no encouragement or cards. It’s a heavy burden that I carry because I care for people deeply. I have been told that I’m a rare friend, but shouldn’t you care and check up on people that you say are your friend? Maybe I’m putting too much importance on the word friend. Maybe people are being who they are. But if you say someone is a friend why wouldn’t you check on them? Am I missing something?
I have been struggling with protecting my peace. I have felt like everyone’s go-to person. Whether I’m busy or need time to myself people feel like I’m convenient for them whenever they need me. Despite what I may be doing or have to do. I’m drained mentally and I have told myself that I was going to create boundaries but I never stuck to them. This is more my fault than anyone else’s fault. I feel like I pour so much into others and that drains me. Especially when people don’t pour into me. You can’t make a withdrawal if there is no money in the bank. And right now there is no money in the bank for people to take from. Yesterday I spent the day trying to refresh myself and get some of that energy back. But I’m exhausted honestly. There is so much going on at times I need my space and peace. I just wish other’s understood that. I wish others wouldn’t take and not give at times. It’s an overwhelming burden that I deal with all the time. I just need to really stick to my plan of having boundaries. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of dealing with everyone’s issues and problems. I need to refresh myself so that I can be the best version of myself. I need a time-out. I need a reset in my life.
I got this book from my mom for my birthday. She knows how much I love Bridgerton. This is the first Bridgerton book that I have read. But let me tell you it’s as real as the Netflix series is. This book was so well written and it takes you on a journey you were not prepared for. This book gave me all the highs and the lows that you could want. So of course I enjoyed this book. And yes it’s a must read.
I love a good book that is completely transparent. I love the honestly with a mix of humility. This book made me see a different side of Lenny. Just because you grow up with a famous parent doesn’t mean you get everything you want. I love how he talks about both sides of his family. His mistake’s and how he trusted his gut in situations that were important to him. This book is awesome and I hope he comes out with another one soon. If you read this book please tell me your thoughts.
Happy August. It’s a new month and this is going to be a new me. Last month was pretty rocky and it shatter me in so many ways. But I can’t let my attitude about what happened to control the joy that I have. I know that there will be seasons in my life where I’m up and seasons where I’m down. But the most important lesson should be that I find joy in whatever season that I’m in. Trouble doesn’t last always. It had been a while since I had journaled and yesterday I took the time to write down my thoughts and feelings. And I was amazed at how much I miss journaling. I’m going to get back to the things that made me happy and brought me joy. I have one area in my life that I can’t seem to get together but I shouldn’t let that area bring me down. Happy August everyone.
As you all know I was super excited to start a new job. I liked the work that I was doing and my boss and co-workers were amazing. During training, my boss got sick and ended up being admitted to the hospital. She comes back to work and gets blindsided by her boss. But that’s not the worst part, they are changing things in the department and they fired her that afternoon because they felt she didn’t fit with the new vision. That shocked me to my core, that made me see the CFO in a whole new light. I didn’t know the man just seen him in passing and he was new like me. But wait there is more, he puts someone who doesn’t know anything about accounting as our new manager. And to top that off me and someone else is a temp and the CFO pretty much let us know that he didn’t want temps. It wasn’t his decision to hire us and as far as we are concerned he doesn’t know how we are going to work out. I hit the ground running with this new company, this isn’t my first time doing accounts payable but I wasn’t used to their software. But I caught on fast and hit the ground running. But he thought less of me. What he was saying was he wanted to bring his team in and we weren’t what he wanted. So yesterday was my last day with that company. It hurts because some of the people that worked there were awesome, but when you are treated like my boss and I well it says a lot about the heart of the company. I have to start all over now with the job hunting process again. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong in this job search. I thought this would be a long-time career but now it’s back to the drawing board again. Even though this feels like a defeat it’s not. I have to keep a positive mindset.