Loving me:

I’ve never considered myself as beautiful. I’m not a confident person when it comes to my looks and body. See I have been molested and physically abused. So to me, my self-worth was low. I’ve had to battle forgiving myself for what happened to me years ago. But something happened on my birthday that I can’t explain. I felt confident and beautiful in my skin. I’ve never felt sexy before but it’s like all the layers of me fell off that day. It’s like the little girl and woman that I am coming to realize I’m beautiful. Despite what others tried to take from me I have survived.
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you
I love you for your joys and pains
The strength you give
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you
You hide your pain no one can see
The love you give is beyond beauty
You give so much and get nothing in return
So many lessons all have been learned
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you
They may not see your beauty
And what you have to share
Your joy is endless and some are aware
Your love for other’s never goes unnoticed
I love her yes I do
I love her because I am you

It took me a while to look within and understand that no matter what was done they can’t take away my beauty. I’ve always heard that I was beautiful, pretty, etc but I never believed it. Until now my eyes are wide open and no matter what anyone may feel I’m beautiful. I will no longer accept my insecurities any longer.

COVID:

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2020 has been very interesting to say the lease. But right now I feel so confused about people who are making decisions. Am I the only one feeling this way? I live in Texas and COVID is spreading here really bad. So how do we stop the spread? I honestly feel like a stay at home order is needed again. But that won’t happen because I know that people need their jobs. But how do we really get it under control? I’m unemployed and starting July 6th I have to submit that I’m looking for work. But the crazy thing is that a lot of places are not hiring and if they are then they only need you for a month or less and then what? Your back in the same situation you were in before. It’s overwhelming to say the lease. Why does the governor have to make it mandatory to wear a face mask when going out??? Come on people where is your common sense? We should have been doing this anyway. The first wave isn’t even over yet and it’s still bad. My anxiety is all over the place, to be honest. A friend of mine found a job and went to work for one day and come to find out 2 people had COVID. This is truly scary, to be honest. Am I the only one taking this seriously or should I just calm down and think it’s not a big deal? Because to me, this is a big deal.

Forgive me: Poem

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It’s killing me inside that our connection not the same
It’s my fault I know I was to blame
It hurts when I see you you just don’t understand
One selfish moment and it’s not the same man
I felt I was doing what was right for me
Never did I see it from your eyes
I thought I could be free
Free from the pain that I was dealt
Not free from leaving you was the pain I was dealt
If I could go back and do it over again things would be different
The pain would still be there but at least you would know
I will hold you down for life no matter where I go
I always was there just one call away
It wasn’t the same and in time things felt hard in away
I know my choices didn’t make any sense
You were always important and in sense
I will always live with the pain that I put you through
If I could go back in time I would be with you
I should have thought of you not my pain
I know it’s true, I’ve said I’m sorry so many times
I can’t redo the past, but in time I hope you forgive me
for what I’ve done
My love has never wavered not even one time
You all mean so much to me
If I could go back in time I would still be here
The pain would be mine to bear but at least I have you
One day I hope you will forgive as I will try to forgive myself
You matter so much to me I hope you understand

Let’s talk:

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One thing that I have learned about being a parent is that I wish the things that I have done or said to my children would have been done or said to me. I understand that all parents are not the same and we parent very differently. And that’s one thing that I love about how I parent. Some may say it’s like being friends with your children. But I don’t feel like that is the case. My children and I are extremely close. And I’m always there for them no matter what they need. But one of my favorite things with my children is our talks. Talking to my mom was like facing judgment at times. I just needed someone to listen and understand me not to judge me and make me feel bad about myself. I wanted my mom to listen and just hear my heart and try to be understanding. I needed that a lot in my life from her. But it’s different with my children. I listen and give my advice only when I feel like it’s needed. Most of the time they just need you to listen to them so that you will know what they are dealing with at the time. As a mom, I see that they do listen and take my advice. They even come back and say mom you were right. But conversations with your children are so important. They need to know that you care about what they are going through and dealing with. I’m so thankful for the many conversations I have had with my children. It gives me a better sense that I have done a great job raising them.

Father’s what day:

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Yesterday was Father’s Day and it’s always been a strange holiday for me. I don’t have a good relationship with my dad. It’s not like I don’t want one but other things have always been more important to my dad than me. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. My dad would tell me every summer that he was coming to get me and it never happen. I was always watching and waiting and the same excuses year after year was told to me. But a part of me was hurt but more importantly a part of me wanted to be a part of my dad’s life. And as I got older the same story different day was told to me. And I had had enough of broken promises and lies from him. So I don’t talk to him anymore. I have read so many stories of how awesome some dads are and I wish my dad was like that. I always wondered why I wasn’t that important to him. I always wondered why not having me in his life even mattered to him? The older I get the more I have realized people will always be there for those that they want to be there for. As much as it hurts trust me I’m okay with it. I want someone who will show up for me no matter what. Who will love me unconditionally? And I have that in God, so I’m very content. I don’t know when I will talk to my dad again, to be honest. And I’m okay with that. I know what I deserve and need and it’s not someone who will lie to me.

Thank you:

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Thank you so much for the birthday love yesterday. Yesterday was amazing. Words can’t express how much I enjoyed yesterday. My husband and daughter made yesterday so amazing. For the first time yesterday, I felt comfortable in my skin. I loved me, all of me with no excuse. I have always been small or some may call me skinny. But I have never felt comfortable in my skin because people use to tease me when I was younger. And as I got older people use to say girl you need to eat. But the truth is I know I eat more than they do, but what bothered me so much was why people always questioned my weight? I was healthy and that’s what mattered most to me. But yesterday as I was trying on clothes I felt amazing. I finally felt beautiful and it made me think that my size has nothing to do with how I feel about myself. I know my self-worth. I have let my past define me and not anymore. I love me and my size. Yesterday taught me that no matter what I need to speak life and love over myself. Despite what’s going on I had an amazing day yesterday. And to be honest being in my 40’s is amazing. I’ve learned and grown so much. If I could leave you with one thing please don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than. I love how my family and friends showed me so much love yesterday. But more importantly, they show me love all the time. I need that because sometimes I don’t feel like I’m enough. But to be honest I am enough and will always be enough. So thank you so much for the birthday love yesterday.

Book review:

This is one of the best books I have read this year. This book takes you on a journey that is so real that you don’t want the story to end. The book is about three sisters who run away from home after killing their dad. What they go through next is scary and heartbreaking. This book is hard to put down. A must read.

Reflect:

I know that I haven’t written in awhile. Right now I’m just stepping back and reflecting for awhile. I’m not super woman even though I try to be. I’m learning what’s important and that it’s okay to take a break every now and then. Thanks

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