You loved me: Poem

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I don’t know why it took so long
To get my act together, you could have been long gone
You loved me through the good and the bad
And all I did was make you sad
I can’t believe I treated you this way
All my past hurts I took out on you
And that’s not okay
All you did was love despite, I didn’t except it with all my might
Why would you love me when I was broken and mean
I had to let go of the past to know what it means
To release the pain, the hurt, and the grief
It took me to long to understand that what I needed was a relief
Your love rescued me from the pit of my despair
I needed your love to help me make it through my pain
You loved me regardless and never had any shame
We all hurt yes that’s true
But how many can love you through what you been through

Let love in: Poem

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I have finally learned to love completely
To see within to reach within me
No more closed hearts
No more hurt and pain
I’ve put love aside with nothing to gain
My heart was closed refused to be loved
But you reached within and showed true love
I’ve never made it easy
Because the pain that I bare
You never stopped loving me, I’m no longer aware of the pain I once had
Love conquers all no need to be sad
My heart is open to love once more
So much joy no pain that I should explore
My heart is open I’m letting love in
My heart is open it’s time to begin again

My two cents:

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I’ve noticed that so many people are so interested in places opening back up more than they are about growing. Are you different since the coronavirus happened or are you the same? Some people are still the same, they don’t care about anything but going to the bars, clubs and other places just because. If you can’t put anything on social media to make it look like your living your best life, then people will assume that your not. I’m living my best life growing. This is the time that we shouldn’t take anything or anyone for granted. We need to be prayed up and make sure we are bettering ourselves. Too many people are okay with staying the same no matter what. But why? At some point you have got to know that what you are doing isn’t making you any better. When do we take a look in the mirror and reflect on ourselves? I had to go out to the store today and I’m noticing people buying things that are not necessary. I can’t make people notice that you only have one life and living it the best you can is more important than buying beer and cigarettes. We have to do better to be better. This is just my two cents take it for what it is.

Book review: The couple next door:

Wow-what can I say. This book had me on my toes because from the beginning there are twists and turns. This book is about a kidnapping and one of the parents is involved in it for money. But trust me it’s more to it then what you think. This book I thought I had figured out, well I was wrong about it. This book was hard to put down because you wanted to know the truth about what happened to baby Cora. If you read this book please let me know.

Thinking out loud:

Yesterday was harder than I imagined that it would be. She just returned books, laptops, and picked up a cap and gown. Just imagine what next Saturday is going to be like. But it got me to thinking what do I do now? All three of my children are grown. So now it’s hubby and me. But what do I do with myself? I’m used to running around with my daughter to events and stuff like that. Now I will have time on my hands. I’m like you will have more time to work on your book, you will have more time to relax. But is this all that I am? Is this what I’m meant to do after all the kids are gone? Do I have nothing left to give or offer? This next season of life is truly stressing me out. I know that I shouldn’t be that concerned about it but I am. I know there will be more time with the hubby and travel and stuff like that but I feel like I was created for more to do more. Just thinking out loud. Maybe I am thinking too much into it.

Happiness:

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Today’s a little tough for me because even though we are going through this coronavirus life is still happening. My daughter has to turn in all her stuff at school and pick up her cap and gown today. I’m an emotional wreck, to say the least. Next Saturday she get’s to walk for her graduation and then just like that I’m an empty nester. Where has the time gone? I’m overwhelmed with joy and sadness. I’m so proud of her so far she has gotten two scholarships and she’s getting two cords for graduation. I feel like I’m dizzy with happiness. And then it’s on to college or more like online college for the time being. But I’m so proud of her. She is in a new season of life and so am I. I have all types of emotions going through me but I know that she will do fine in the world and me well I have to find what I want in this second season of life. Anyone an empty nester? Any advice for me?

How is your self-talk:

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What does your self-talk sound like? I mean really? What do you say to yourself? I’m ugly, I’m not good enough, why does anyone want to be my friend? Well I hope not. My self-talk use to be horrible. I mean the things that I would say to myself is embarrassing and just not okay. My self-talk use to go something like this: your not good enough for him. Your not all that pretty and guys don’t like women who know more about sports then them. That’s pretty mild from what I use to say. Now my self-talk is more uplifting and positive now. Words have the power to make or break us. And more than anything our words to ourselves are more harmful then anyone else’s. We have got to uplift and speak life to ourselves. Yes things can be tough but your words can change the situation. Your words can encourage yourself as well as others. So please stop the negative self-talk and start speaking life over yourself.

The comparison game:

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Have you ever played the comparison game? Oh, I know that I have played it many times. I use to compare my marriage to my friend’s marriage. She was doing everything so perfectly. I mean they had laughter, love, they would talk things out, it just seemed so perfect. When I use to come to her about problems I was having in my marriage it was like she snubbed me. Like I wasn’t good enough to be in her married friend’s circle. So as time went on I just stopped talking to her which was fine with me. But then one day she called and all the cracks in her marriage began to become exposed. See she was trying to make it seem like they had it all together when they didn’t. She looked down on me because I was asking for advice and come to find out she was needing advice but didn’t want to ask. I told her that I looked up to her and her marriage, but the truth is instead of me looking at her and her marriage I should have been paying attention to my own. See this is my first marriage and I have grown up in a divorced household. I have heard my mom bash my dad and I was scared of marriage, to be honest. When you don’t hear anything positive about it from your mom it just made me feel numb, to be honest. I didn’t know what to do but I tried my best. Like I’ve always said I’m not the best communicator and that is where our problems lied. But when I took my eyes off of her and her marriage my marriage began to turn around. Instead of seeking her advice I prayed more, got into the bible more, talked to other women who were just like me, and read books to help me with my marriage. I stopped trying to compare myself with others or feel like I have to meet their expectations. To be honest, even if our marriages are good we are secretly dealing with something. I don’t mind when other married women come to me asking for advice. I’m here for you and want you to know you don’t have to be like anyone else. Start being like you and pray about it. Change comes when you make some changes about yourself. Let’s stop trying to have the perfect marriage like the next person when you don’t know the next person’s problems. How about you fix your marriage. Water your grass and see how green it can be. I had to make my marriage the best for us, not anyone else.

Reflect:

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I must say that this time during lockdown has been truly good. The reason why I say this is because I feel like spending time, communication and love that has been shown. Yesterday was a rainy day so my husband and I decided to make our daughter a senior breakfast since she won’t be able to have one. She was so shocked and surprised. It made it so worth it. I’m realizing that we are appreciating one another and the things that we do for each other. I got to talk to my sons and I learned that one of my son’s has a surprise on the way for me ( and no it’s not a kid). I love surprises even though I don’t get them often. I just reflected on the time that we were so busy doing this and doing that, that we just didn’t realize how busy we were. I mean yes we made time to do things but everyone has there own lives and things that they want to do more that it’s hard to spend time together. I’m blessed to be able to laugh, spend time and just listen to how everyone is feeling at this time. I feel like God is wanting us to appreciate those around us, to understand that life isn’t always about busyness and just to get us to rest. I know that this virus is very serious but have you ever stopped to think that what you have been praying for he is giving you? You want more time with family and now you have it. You hated your job and now you don’t have one, but you are realizing a new dream and passion. You wanted to work on your marriage more now you have time. We can be quick to point out the negative in this time, but lets stop to point out the positive as well. This is my daughter senior year. She had so much going on that we were going to be busy all the month of May. I’m honored to have this time to work on relationships, to go deeper with people, to be able to spend more time with my family and also to work on myself. I hope you all are seeing the positive in this time.

It has to stop:

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I’m sitting here today thinking about my life. My relationships have gotten so much better. Except for one. I haven’t talked to my dad since March and to be honest, I don’t feel bad about it. I stopped talking to my dad because I was tired of him lying to me. All my life that is all my dad did to me was lie. And I had, had enough. At some point, this has got to stop. You can’t continue to lie to me and let me down all the time.
But it bothers me that he doesn’t get it. It’s just another day to him. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset. It doesn’t matter how many times I have told him this already. He just seems to be clueless. I’m the only child that he makes promises to and doesn’t come through on. So I’m tired and done. When I feel like talking to him then I will but right now I need time to heal. Your parents are supposed to set an example for you. Not lie to you and think that it’s okay. My dad has never been there for me in any way in my life. Just trying to figure out what I did so bad to be treated like this.