This picture of me looks beautiful, but pictures can truly lie. Pictures never tell the true story of what’s going on in one’s life. At the time this picture was taken I hadn’t been married a year, but was struggling to understand marriage. I was a very prideful person back then. I was way to INDEPENDENT for my own good. I was miserable, but I was cute. You see I hadn’t learn the true definition of submission, I was to busy with the label marriage, but not the mindset. My wedding day was amazing, I felt like I was beautiful for the first time in a long time. But my attitude was anything but beautiful. It was stank, nasty and just downright mean. I hadn’t healed from my past relationship’s but I’m getting married. I felt like my past was just that my past, but I was so wrong. You can’t move forward from baggage from your past relationship’s if you don’t take the time to heal and deal with it. I brought so much baggage into my marriage that I felt like I lived in the landfill where the garage was placed. I held on to all the hurt, name calling and abuse from my past, so I place this wall up. I was never going to allow someone to hurt me ever again so I became defensive, had a smart mouth and would go off on you quick fast and in a hurry. I was determined not to be a weak women anymore. But I was going about all of this so wrong, but honey I was cute doing it right? Wrong!!!!!!!!!! I may have appeared to be beautiful on the outside, but I was not on the inside. I was stank ugly you hear me. I was so ugly that I didn’t even want to deal with myself. My husband would want to talk or have me open up about what’s wrong and I would set it off on him. What was wrong with me? Why was I so nasty and ugly toward someone who only wanted to help me? What in the world was I doing married and acting like this? Why would someone want to stay married to me with all of my foolishness?
There was so many questions going through my mind all at once. It took me years to realize that I was my own worst enemy. My husband wasn’t my enemy, but the person staring back at me was my worst enemy. It took me 3 years to understand what I needed to do to work on me. I didn’t have the tools to understand what I needed to do to better me. It took individual counseling and couples counseling for me to truly understand and deal with self first. See people always feel like it’s the other person, but actually it might be you. Have you dealt, I mean really dealt with your past? Have you taken the time out to understand what the problem is and really work on it? Do you have alone time to pray and get yourself together? It took time for me to be a better me, because my past had me looked down. I was hurting and didn’t understand how to heal properly. My husband did his best to help me with this process, but you can’t accept help until you wantt it. And at the time I didn’t want the help because I didn’t believe that I was the problem. I’m learning to stop pointing fingers at others and examine myself first. I’m a very honest person and maybe some people can’t handle that type of honesty, but I need it. Here are some ways that I learned to become a better me.
1. If your married and a woman you are not the head of your household. I don’t care how INDEPENDENT you are have several seats because you are not in order and your house isn’t in order either.
2. You have to let your husband lead. It doesn’t work well when you as a woman try to lead your husband. Again you are out of order.
3. Ladies learn to submit, submission is not that hard. Plus the men have to submit as well.
4. Your are his helpmeet, not his hinderance. All your husband needs is support and help. He is not asking you to save the world, just be there for him.
5. Learn to be vulnerable around your spouse. This was a huge lesson for me because I didn’t not want to seem weak to my husband. That’s not it at all, it’s okay to cry and need a shoulder to lean on. That is what he is there for.
6. Communication, yes we all know that this was super hard for me. Communicate how you feel to your spouse, trust me they want to hear what you have to say.
7. Be respectful to your spouse. They only want to fix whatever is wrong. If you have an attitude then let them know that it’s not a good time to talk right now.
8. Take time to work on yourself. Your no good to anyone if your attitude is ugly. If you need alone time set it up. If you need counseling set it up. Whatever you need to be a better you, please do it.
Marriage is something you have to work on daily. Make time to clean up the inside because the inside is just as important as the outside. If you can maintain the outside then you should do the same for the inside. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I use to be either. I have come along way and I can honestly say that I’m happy with myself and my marriage. I wouldn’t start with huge changes first, take baby steps to where you want to be. Yes your beautiful on the outside, but how does your inside look?