I’m currently reading a book by Sheila Walsh titled it’s okay not to be okay. I needed to take some time out to get me together. I haven’t quite got me to were I want to be but I’m getting better. It helps to have people around you that care. Tomorrow is my stress test and sonogram and I’m nervous but I know that I will be okay. I know that I don’t have to fake when I’m not okay and that it’s alright not to have all the answers at once. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and just need time to yourself. I want to comfort and be there for people when in reality I need to comfort and be there for myself sometimes. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself in a time out and figuring out your situation. There is nothing wrong with needing time alone to get you together. Love on yourself and spend time with yourself, you’re worth it. And I’m taking my own advice.
Am I dreaming:
Broken dreams broken heart
I feel like my whole world is falling apart
My heart is hurting no release to be found
I’m a loveless child with no parent around
My head is spinning who really cares
I’m afraid to lie down my thoughts all alone
Am I dreaming is this real
This is a hard pill to swallow my dreams are crumbling like no tomorrow
It hurts but I’m afraid to let people in
I’m not perfect my life is full of sin
I care to much and hurt to deep
It’s often hard for me to fall asleep
No joy just pain all sorrow no gain
I shift my life back to the pain
I try to clear my head but the pain hurts to deep
I guess I will try to see if I can find some sleep
I need to rest I need to breathe
I need to have a dream to believe
All I really want:
I went to church today feeling different. I didn’t want to worship, I half-listened to the sermon. I felt out of place. I feel angry, hurt, sad and just tired. What am I doing wrong? I’m tired of people asking me how I feel when to be honest I don’t know. I’m tired of having a smile that’s not genuine. I’m tired of people thinking I’m acting weird when I don’t know why I feel this way or why I’m going through what I’m going through. I get people care, but stop. I feel like I want to be alone with no one around me. I feel like God left me months ago and my prayers are not being heard and will never be answered. I feel like I’m drowning in my own misery. I try not to think about it and go on like I’m fine but I’m not. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. I really do. I hate not really being able to communicate how I truly feel. I don’t need pity or sympathy. I need someone to care if I don’t know the right words. I need someone to care if they see tears running down my face. I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE. After church, I went up to a lady that I know giving her an update and she asked me why I didn’t go down for prayer. I told her without hesitation that whatever the outcome is I’m okay with it and I have made peace. She wasn’t buying that and took me down for prayer. Something came alive in me again as this lady prayed for me, but it felt like as soon as the prayer was over my heart harden again, because God hasn’t been answering my prayers so far why would he start now? It’s hard and I’m not okay. My tears and pain are real. I’m tired of the test I just want to know what’s wrong with me. I just want a job. I just want this sadness to go away. I just want people to really care about me. That’s all that I want.
I care to much:
Sometimes I feel like a broken record to people. I give my advice, attention, and suggestions. Only to feel like people only care about you when it’s convenient for them. No matter if you say I love you, it’s words. No matter if you show them you love them it’s not good enough. I try to be there for people as much as I can, but lately, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. I’m tired physically and mentally. I have a lot going on between my health and looking for a job. I feel like people take me for granted. I don’t genuinely feel appreciated. My problem I think I care too much about people and how they are feeling. I care about what they think. I need to stop. This is my flaw my thorn and I need to stop.
Love:
It amazes me how much people love Valentine’s Day. They call this the day of love. But to be honest, the day of love should be every day and not just one day. We should love our spouse daily. We need to show love and appreciation daily. Spending tons of money and buying gifts shouldn’t be a one-day occurrence. What about when she is sad? You can give her the gift of a hug. What about date night? Don’t let February 14th be the only day that you show love to your spouse. We need to be more attentive to one another.
Health update:
I just wanted to update you on my health. Yesterday I went to see the cardiologist and I have to wear a heart monitor for two weeks. I also have to have a stress test and sonogram done on my heart next week. The doctor thinks I have inflammation and I may have fluid around my heart. I have to call my insurance company today to see how much this is going to cost me. I may have to cancel my appointment if it is too much. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks
The marriage article:
I read an article that rubbed me the wrong way. It stated that people don’t care about marriage anymore they just like to attend the wedding. That people put more time and effort into the wedding then they do there marriage. Well, let me just say yes I agree with some parts but not all the article. Then the article goes on to say that after the honeymoon couples find themselves not really sure if they want to stay married? WHAT. Okay, I’m old fashion when I said I do I knew that my marriage wasn’t going to be all fun times. I know that we were going to have some rough moments but I was committed to my husband. We all marry someone flawed but if you put more time and effort into that one day then you’re missing the whole point of marriage and being one. So many people go into debt over that one day. It took me years to get married. I didn’t want to just marry anyone I wanted to marry the one. I was 33 when I got married and I’m glad that I waited because just marrying to get married wasn’t my goal. I see so many of my friends get married early and now are divorced and on there second and third marriage. I wish that the younger generation could truly understand the meaning of marriage and how it works. Yes, there are some marriages that people do need to get out of for different reasons and safety. I’m not talking about those marriages I’m talking about waking up one morning and saying you don’t love this person or maybe you made a mistake. Instead of blaming your spouse how about you look in the mirror and do some work on yourself. We are all flawed people. Marriage is not just for this one big day, marriage is for life. And we have to find ways to keep the spark, love, romance and the reason why we fell in love in the first place alive. It’s not about the things that make a marriage, it’s about commitment.
Where is my faith?:
I’ve been down on myself lately and the negative talk that I’m giving myself is not helping. I don’t know why I don’t trust God in my situation. I don’t know why I force myself to make things happen. I want what I want now and if it’s not in God’s will for it to happen now then it won’t. No matter how much I feel like I should be here instead of there. Where is my faith? Where is my trust? Why does it seem like in the hard times I doubt and don’t have the faith that I should? Why is it when things are going right I fully trust the Lord? I don’t always like waiting but there are times when I do need to wait. Because when I take it upon myself to make things happen it just gets worse. I know that I need to make some changes in my life and take this opportunity to pray and trust that God will deliver me from this. Life isn’t always going to be easy but I need to be content in any state that I’m in.
Just Stop:
As a woman, I have been independent longer than I have been married. And I’m realizing that I don’t have to do it all on my own anymore. Why is it so hard for me to let others help me? I’m always fussing at my husband and daughter, but I don’t give them the chance to do the things that I fuss about because I’m so busy doing it myself. I get it my way. I don’t allow people to help because I feel like I can do it all on my own and when I can’t I get mad. But why? I’m the problem not them. So many times I do this to myself and I had to stop and say your the problem. Either you fix yourself or you stop complaining about what others are not doing. I don’t give them time to do anything, to be honest. And it’s not like I’m controlling the situation I’m just a doer and I like to have and get things done. I’m working on me and learning not to fuss at them for not doing things.
Pride:
As I reflect on this weekend I have learned that I have a heart issue. My heart issue is pride. I didn’t want my husband to stay with me when he drove me to the hospital, but he did. And I was happy about it. I’m the type of person who takes care of others and I don’t want others to take care of me. It’s the pride I know but more importantly, I’m missing out on a blessing. It’s a blessing to have someone want to stay with you to help you. I get home and my husband and daughter didn’t want me to do anything. It felt weird but I was too exhausted to even argue with them. They took really good care of me. I need to work on letting others take care of me. I thought that I had my pride in check but I don’t. I know what it means to want to help someone and I should let others do that for me. I’m a work in progress and I’m learning.
