Grief:

I still haven’t completely healed from my grandpa passing away. And now my great uncle who was like a second dad to me has passed away. His death hit me so hard that I didn’t have any more tears left that day. I know that everyone has lost someone that they truly care about, but how to heal from the grief is hard. I have lost people in my family that this grief didn’t hit as hard, but when you are close to someone it makes it that much harder. This pain that I’m feeling is a different kind of pain that I felt with my grandpa. I felt like I was getting to a point where I was okay and now this has happened. I feel like maybe I don’t know how to deal with grief. Maybe I just stuff my emotions down and deal with them when I’m ready. I know that going to his funeral is going to be hard. I have cried and screamed but the pain of losing someone hurts like crazy. I know that he isn’t in any pain anymore and it would have been selfish of me to want him to stay around a little longer. But I know going back home and not being able to see him is going to hurt. Going to his house is going to probably bring me to my knees. It’s been a year since I have been back home and that’s the last time that I saw my great uncle. I’m thankful that we talked all the time and he knew how much I cared about him. I pray that I will find a healthy way to deal with my grief. Keeping busy doesn’t always work but it does take my mind off of it for a while. It’s always hard saying goodbye to the people that you love the most.

Book review: The Ex

I love author Alafair Burke her books always keep me on the edge of my seat. This book was no exception, to be honest, I thought that I had this book figured out. But boy was I wrong, I didn’t realize who did it until the very end. So let me get you a brief review of this book. The book the Ex is about Olivia Randall used to date a guy back in college who was just too nice. And then ended up getting engaged but she didn’t want to be married to him. So she decided to cheat on him and not with just anyone but his brother. When he found the watch in their bed he know exactly whose watch it was. That night Jack Harris left Olivia and never looked back. But years later Jack gets arrested and his daughter calls Olivia to help her dad get out of jail. How did nice Jack Harris end up in jail? And why did his daughter call Olivia to help him? Oh, the many twists and turns that this book has will keep you on your feet.

Faith not fear:

There have been so many things in my life that have held me back. Those things are called fear, and today I have decided to deal with fear. So many things that I want to accomplish and do I feel fearful about doing. When it comes to going places and just enjoying myself I feel fearful about doing them. When it comes to succeeding I feel fearful about that. Fear has held me back most of my life. I was fearful of what people may think or say. I was fearful of people finding out that I may not be as confident as I let on. But right now today I’m going to tackle fear one problem at a time. I’m tired of being held back and held up by fear. So here’s to fighting past my fear and leaning more on my faith to get me through these situations. I can’t control anything but myself. My fear will not dictate my destination, my faith will lead me to my destination. Time to kick fear out and start letting faith lead the way.

What’s really important:

As I have been working on myself I have noticed that something has been missing. Well, nothing missing but me not giving much of my attention. I have a routine every morning, I wake up pray, read my devotional, and get ready for my day. But I have been giving God a few minutes of my day because I have other things to take care of. But I’m feeling empty and like things are just going round and round in my life. Why does it feel like I haven’t accomplished anything? God is not a routine he’s not someone I should just give a few minutes to and go about my day. I should be deliberated about my time with God. Why do I feel so stuck? Well, how can you rush God but not rush things that can wait? How can you rush God but get mad when your prayers are not answered? I started being more intentional about my time with God and I stopped making other things that I deem important, important. I have been spending time with God not only in prayer and devotional but also by reading. God is so much bigger than the little time that I was giving him. I took for granted my relationship with him and made other things a priority. I had to realize that what you give your time to can help or hurt you. My time with God is the most important time of the day for me. Since I have been doing this I have been more relaxed and also not worried about what I deem more important. I don’t know if you feel like God is important to you, but if he is make sure your time with him is intentional.

Book review: The meaning of Mariah Carey

I’m not a huge Mariah Carey fan but I do like some of her songs. I got her book for my birthday and couldn’t wait to dive into it. I loved how she talked so much about her family life and how she didn’t feel like she belonged. How she began singing and the many times they moved that made it hard to make friends. How her mother’s life was difficult because she married a black man. How her older siblings were toxic and not a great sibling to her. How singing made her feel and how much she wanted to make this dream come true. She has dealt with toxic and jealous family members. And then to marry a toxic executive who tried to crush her. But all and all Mariah has remained true to herself and people around her. She’s stronger than I gave her credit for. Her love of family wasn’t destroyed because she wanted better than toxic love. In the end I found a deep appreciation for her and all that she went through.

Marriage:

For me to be the best me possible I noticed that one area in my life was lacking. That area is my marriage, and what I mean by that is that I don’t try to understand my husband. I don’t try to listen to understand him. Usually, when my husband comes to me I get an attitude that I don’t want to hear what he has to say. That’s mean I know and I hate that I do that to him. But the crazy part is that he told me so many people come to you and you listen to their problems or what they have going on. But when it comes to him I get an attitude and I don’t want to listen because I have been hearing people’s problems all day. That cut me deep because he was right and I didn’t treat them rudely. I had to learn what was more important and I’m trying to be more intentional when it comes to my husband and our time together. I thought that I was doing a great job in my marriage but I’m not. I had to understand that I was neglecting someone who always makes time for me. I was taking this person for granted for people who took me for granted. Working on myself also means being a better wife to my husband. I need to understand that his time and attention are very important. In my quest to be a better me I have to understand that I can’t neglect the people who care and make my life easier and better. I can’t be okay with not giving my husband my full attention. Marriage is not easy but I need to put more effort into making sure that I have time for my husband.

Safe space:

We all have that person or persons who we feel are our safe space. But I realize that I don’t, my safe space is my journal. I thought that I had a few people that I could trust to be my safe space but I don’t. It’s hard being other’s safe space but they can’t be that to you. Either because they worry about themselves so much or you feel like they wouldn’t genuinely listen to what you’re sharing. It gets lonely when you have to be strong for yourself and encourage yourself. But writing has helped me express myself in ways that I didn’t realize were possible. Even though I love writing it’s always nice to have someone with which you can share your heart with. It’s not always easy being a strong person all the time. Even strong people need other people. Maybe I’m not alone in this situation. How many people truly have someone that you can talk to about anything and they listen and care 100%? Maybe it’s just me, we all need someone who can be our safe space.

1 year goals:

I know that at the beginning of the year so many people make goals. Well, I’m about to make a goal in the middle of the year. I’m about to make a one-year goal. People make long-term and short-term goals all the time. And I feel like for me long-term goals work the best. So I have written some things that I want to accomplish this time next year. I have set realistic expectations for my goals. I want to push and stretch myself further than I ever have. I want to be more disciplined in my life when it comes to myself and the things that I want to accomplish. It’s time for me to grow in areas that I have let sit and areas that I have let die in my life. Time to get out of my comfort zone and stretch myself in ways that scare me. Let’s see how much I can accomplish in one year.

Book review: Beautiful Bad

I don’t even know where to start with this book review. Okay, let me start by saying that this is the first time that I have read a book by this author. I found this book at the dollar tree one day that I was in there. So let’s get into this book review. Let me first start by saying when I started reading this book I thought that I had this book figured out. Oh how wrong I was, I had no clue that what I thought was all the way wrong until almost the end of the book. Maddie was overseas with her best friend Joanna. Joanna and Maddie went to this party and came across these charming and handsome guys. One guy, in particular, caught the attention of both friends. When Maddie had to return to her teaching job in another country. Joanna takes the opportunity to befriend Ian and things seem to escalate pretty quickly. But every time that Maddie visits Joanna her friend seems to be getting further and further away from her. Maddie finds out that Ian has a girlfriend and this breaks her heart. Let’s fast forward now almost two decades later Maddie and Ian are married with a beautiful son. But things seem not to be what you think they are. Ian has PSTD from being in the British army but what’s going on with Maddie? Is this marriage really what it seems or is there a crack in it? One night Maddie calls 911 and the whole story isn’t what it seems anymore. Was this a true crime or was this a mind game? When I tell you that this book had me all over the place. I really like this book.