I was asked a question that I couldn’t answer at the time. I was asked how do I rate my life? Like on a scale of 1 to 10 or what? And she said yes. I couldn’t answer that because it’s different each day. And she said to sum it up not in days but in months. So I would have to say a 5. My life is just in the middle or okay. But it got me to thinking my life has just been okay for years now. Why is that? Is it me or the people that I have around me? It’s both. When I was single it didn’t matter how often I traveled or how long I was gone or where I went. When I was single I explored more, I was curious more and often times I found myself asking some tough questions with myself. And now that I’m married, raising kids and having a husband you don’t always feel as adventurous. You don’t always have time to explore or be curious. And you definitely don’t have time for the tough questions. But what is my excuse now? My children are grown and right now we are in a pandemic. I have started asking myself the hard questions. I haven’t explored much. But one thing that has been on my mind is where do I want to see myself in the next 5 years? Do I still want the same friendships? Do I want to explore more? How can I find myself while doing life with someone else? I’m the type that likes to go with no destination in mind. Let’s just get in the car and drive. I don’t want my life to be a 5 all my life. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to be a 7 or 8 in the next 5 years. I understand that no one is holding me back but me. So how do you rate your life?

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to live someone else’s life? I have. I’ve always wanted to feel confident as a person and a writer. I would love to be able to talk to some of my favorite authors and pick their brains. But to live there life no way. I don’t want to go from one imperfect life to another. I would love to understand how they got started and who believed in them. I would like to know how many times they got rejected. Was it easy with each book they wrote? I would love to be a New Times best selling author one day. But I would never want to live someone else’s life. It’s too hard living my own life as it is.

While on my journey to better me. I have enjoyed walking. I’ve been walking with my husband for the past two months or more. But I have started walking up and down my stairs of our apartment. And something about that pain and pleasure. Sounds weird right. But the more it burns walking up and down those stairs the more that I know how much I can take. I didn’t realize how strong I was until walking those stairs. No matter what I have been through or what I’m going through I will be okay because I’m stronger than I truly realize. What a crazy revelation walking some stairs. It’s the little things that are bringing me so much joy. I walk my stairs in the morning and then in the evening walk with my husband. Even though life isn’t what it use to be doesn’t mean that I have to be what I use to be either. Change is hard but it’s so necessary to. If you never do anything that brings you pain then you never know how strong you can be.

I did something yesterday that I thought I wouldn’t do for a long time. I called my dad. I felt like there were somethings that I needed to get off my chest. But I wasn’t able to because he had company. It was a weird conversation and I wish I was able to say what I needed to say. I forgave him but I don’t know how much I want to talk to him. People always make time for who they want to make time for. And it doesn’t seem like I’m on that list of making time for. Like I said on a journey to do better and be better. I’m wanting my life to be about people who care about me. I’m not saying that he doesn’t care about me but action speaks louder than words. I took my step and I’m okay with whatever comes next.